Slow erosion.........

[Duckafuk]

Long marriage( 20 years plus), have been the main wage earner for 15 or so years , H retired recently.
I'm losing my job as the company is being wound up.
His reaction was to be furious, mainly with me. Silent treatment, blaming me for random shit, like postman left the porch door open & cat got out, my fault. Car not locked properly ( after he had been out to it last) , my fault as he was distracted by our " impending poverty " 🙄.
Big row, I told him some home truths, he was very apologetic, he worries about money ect.
I do need to work but we are comfortable on his pensions and have sufficient savings. All good. I'm still working for another month or so trying up loose ends.
Fast forward a week and the comments are starting again. I am pretty certain that I will find something else as I'm willing to work anywhere. But this relentless pressure from him is making me miserable and to be honest effecting how I feel about him. I honestly think I would be happier living in a bedsit with only myself to worry about.
Has anyone else left after a long marriage in similar circumstances and did you regret it?
He is not a generous man, no flowers or jewelry for birthdays ect, but a cup of tea in bed every morning, type of man .
No DC to consider.

If he's worried about money, why doesn't he get a part time job?

Is he much older than you? Is there any reason he thinks you should work while he sits at home with his feet up?

I hate small-minded meanness. I could understand completely if you decided you'd be happier on your own.

Yes he is much older and I'm no spring chicken. He has no intention of working at his age,which is reasonable, he does " keep house" and looks after the menagerie.
It's his attitude to money that is getting me down, it's like he cares more about adding to the savings than my real sadness at losing a job that I enjoyed through no fault of my own.

His attitude seems to be you’re there to support him instead of it being a partnership. He should be supporting you over the loss of your job and finding another if that is what you want.
His financial planning for old age seems to have only catered for himself, which is sad.

@Maytodecember that is exactly what it feels like.
I've been working 14hour plus days for nearly 3 weeks without a day off, been asked to work again tomorrow, was going to say no ( I'm absolutely knackered & my arthritis is awful atm ) but he started again with the tutting, sighing, shaking his head so I've agreed to go in as I would have got no rest here just another telling off.
Can a woman in her 50s just pick up and start again? I'd have to leave the animals as I would have to rent, I wouldn't be looking to divorce, just separate.

I have started day dreaming of a little flat of my own, decorating it the way I want, as many cushions and pillows on the bed as I want ect.

Do it. If he's controlling down to how many cushions on the bed, he's controlling more than just the money. You sound hemmed in.

@Duckafuk

Can a woman in her 50s just pick up and start again?
YES!! Can you imagine the absolute peace in your life without this man in your ear all the time? Do try not to reach the age of 60 and still be in this same distressing situation.

Do you have any savings of your own, in your own bank account which he can't access? Do you have any idea about jobs/work once your company has round up? I do suggest you update/write your CV so it helps you focus on what job you want to look at next. Take a look at the recruiting companies online (eg: Indeed Jobs, TotalJobs etc) or check websites if companies you might be interested in. Also try the Civil Service if that's appropriate for you? Also see what benefits you might be entitled to (you not your husband) if you separated (www.entitledto.co.uk).

As far as property is concerned, check the rentals market (eg online at eg: Rightmove, Zoopla) or visit high street estate agents branches. If you are looking to buy, take a look at retirement flats for the over 50's as they can cost less to buy (though your annual service charges might be higher). Check stamp duty implications if you can't sell or aren't planning on selling the existing house.

When/if you get a day off don't tell him. Go to the library and use their computers to do your research for when you are ready. Keep your preparations to yourself for now.

Don't just write yourself off OP. Good luck for your future. 🌹

Thank you @Newestname002 .
Events have taken a turn and I am not staying at home at the moment. He basically told our niece that I was absent from a family event yesterday because I insisted on working instead, Dneice asked me about it via the big family watsapp , I told her the truth, including screenshots of his tantrum like texts on the day the news about the company broke.
So now his whole family (sisters, nieces and nephews) are disgusted with him. I just went straight from work to my sisters last night and I'm ignoring his texts and calls.
My BIL is picking up some things from me.
As for finances, everything is in joint names, including the house that is mortgage free.
Cutoff for my final salary, including a tonne of overtime and holiday pay , is not until the 21st so I'm going to open a new account and get it paid into there.

This was me for years.
I have my own place now and I love it! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Well he really was foolish now, wasn't he? He's shown his true colours to other people than you now.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but glad the timing's right to have your final salary paid into a new account. Do you need to set up a mail redirection (online with the post office) for a short while do you think?

Regarding finances, if you have access to the online accounts it might be useful to print out some of the statements so you have printed proof of what's in the accounts in case needed later as well as account & sort code numbers. Also draw out a "useful" £sum from the savings account to tide you over for later (eg deposit on a flat, car etc) to make your life easier and add that to your new bank account. Or buy premium bonds short term do your money's safe whilst you plan what to do next. Don't forget you've been contributing financially as well as in other ways, so this is half yours.

When your BIL collects stuff for you (can your sister also be there?) do try and see if he can collect your passport too, just in case it goes "missing". It's a very handy ID document plus I think getting replacements for "lost" or otherwise missing passports is taking longer than usual I think. If he can collect your marriage and birth certificates too that would be useful for you in the medium/longer term.

Change all passwords relevant to you, including shopping (eg Amazon) as well as email, etc.

Wishing you the best. 🌹

Sounds like he wants you out of the house

50's is not old! I've had to change jobs a few times in my 50's and it hasn't been a problem at all. You can sell your life experience, common sense, no childcare issues etc, as assets to an employer!
Go for it - good luck

Glad to hear you've escaped from this awful man and do not be drawn back in out of feeling sorry for him when he puts on the sob story act!

Its sounds very much like you were his cash cow/extra pension arrangement rolled into one and of course he will be upset that he has lost this. A normal reaction to redundancy from a partner would be sympathy, not rage. He is more interested in the money than you, as you have worked out.

50s is not old, and I suspect its the fact that he is considerably older than you and acts old for his age that is making you feel older than you really are.

Your update is really positive in a way. I know it is huge, and will feel like your world has been shaken to the core. But he was treating you appallingly, and I'm glad he's shown his true colours to his family. How vile of him to lie to your niece and make out you insisted on working, when it's him pressuring you to make money. On top of all his selfish and uncaring behaviour, he wanted you to look bad in front of his family. Your response, to tell them the truth, was fair and appropriate. He's brought this on himself.

I think this could be the beginning of something much better for you. Keep dreaming about that lovely place. It could happen.

He's shown you that, in times of need, he won't jump to 'how can I best support Duck and help make things better?' but instead he went straight for 'I'm angry that the cash has stopped coming in and I will punish Duck for it, even though none of it is her fault'. Utterly, utterly selfish. And worrying about money is not an excuse for his awful behaviour. Your job loss affected you much more than him (you're the one who lost the job they loved, who has to find another, who feels the pressure to bring in more money) but he managed to make it all about him (whilst not doing anything to help solve the problem).

You'll be so much better off without him.