Why can’t I be angry

[Ucantkeepmedown]

Going through some very tough times at the minute that are absolutely breaking me. I just need to rant and rave and vent all the emotions I’m feeling.

i have been married for 27 years and could say there has been a fair few problems in my marriage. We were always feisty but always made up. I found out in January 2020 that he had an affair which he claims meant nothing. I thought I could forgive that and we carried in making a go of our marriage as we have a16 year old autistic son. We
started paying more attention to each other, going out for dates, you know the drill it felt amazing to me. I was under no illusion I wasn’t enough as he felt the same.

Social distancing started and then the country went into lockdown in March. That’s when holes started to appear, he started withdrawing and withholding himself emotionally and sexually. At the time I was convinced it was all my fault and felt guilty so tried harder.but it was a cycle of this every three weeks. He would get angry with me always on a short fuse and then apologise and treat me to something big. I was absolutely just treading water daily to function. I had to have two kidney operations back to back in September of that year. Last year at Easter I said if he couldn’t commit to me fully then he should leave.

Fast forward to July 2021 I caught the dreaded COVID and ended up in hospital on life support for 10 days. They woke me up at one point to say goodbye as doctors thought I had around 2 hours to live. He was the one I spoke to I was delirious but remember him fighting the tears. I survived and spent another 9 days in hospital and begged them daily to go home and have my family look after me. My 24 year old son and 18 year old daughter agreed to share the load with my husband.
Our house had to be adapted for down stairs living, oxygen machine, bed in a corner, commode and Zimmer frame and I came home in August unable to walk or breathe on my own. I should have went to rehab for 12 weeks but I was desperate as I thought he would look after me with love. How wrong was I.

I am now in a wheelchair and pretty much 10% of what I was. I have PTSD, lung disease, lost all my hair and still can’t leave the house. And then … March he tells me “I’m leaving you because I don’t want the responsibility of looking after you. I have hopes and things I want to do and it doesn’t involve you”. I now have to claim Universal Credit and rely on benefits for the rest of my life as the likelihood of me ever working is zero. He languishes in his own room at his mams whilst I hold together my family and support my son who is now on suicide watch as he has took it bad. I feel so lost and lonely and actually petrified of my future.

Phew thanks for letting me do that and I’m sorry for the long story 🙏🏼

Why do I still love him ?

Wow you've been through so much, do you still love him? Or do you love the life you once had and the memories? It sounds like things were shutting down and this kind of life event, well it will make or break the strongest relationship. Are you getting some support, counselling?

Wow X that is such a sad story to read, and I absolutely send you all the very best

it sounds as though perhaps, subconsciously, you are protecting yourself from all the hurt your husband has caused you, especially with everything else that is going on in your life.

I'm no expert, and I cannot imagine how you are battling through each day- but if I were you, I'd divorce the fucker, get a good lawyer and get what you are owed, and concentrate on yourself and your family - put you first xx

Best of luck

I think I am in love with the life I once had. I’m a bit tied to the nostalgia and am mad at myself for not hating him. It’s crazy. I’m due to start EMDR therapy for the psychological damage from intensive care x

@anon12345anon
thanks for the advice it’s what I was hoping someone would say. I know he has been a total twat turning this on me. I had to feel as though it was my fault for being Ill every day. It’s funny now he has gone I feel so much better with not carrying that guilt around. I just can’t cut the emotional ties 🤯

Well, the good news is you no longer have to think about him, give him any consideration, or any head space. He's an arsehole, and his kids know it.

@picklemewalnuts thank you for talking some sense, so true. I’m just sorry the kids have to endure him in their lives.

Just to add, your story is shocking in so many ways. I'm very sorry you've had to go through such terrible illness.

I'm sure anger will come at some point. You've had such a lot of trauma, I imagine your body is still exhausted. It takes energy to feel rage. I imagine you feel rather like you are in an adrenaline slump.

What you are going though is very complicated. I have fibromyalgia and manage it very well. However occasionally I remember things I used to do, how I used to live, and am saddened by my current limitations. There is grieving for who I used to be.

You are grieving your marriage and your old self. It will take time.

On a practical front, How are you now? Could you go back for the treatment you didn't have at the time, is there chance of a better recovery?

@picklemewalnuts the trauma was unreal and still is, I relive it almost every day. The strange thing is I had fibromyalgia and ME so it isn’t like we weren’t used to illness, I too managed myself very well it never got in the way of our marriage, just this was a whole new level. In his words “you are only going to get worse so what’s the point”
I feel beat I’m normally such a level headed grounded person and can’t seem to get the fire in my belly if you know what I mean. Ideally I should be angry at myself.

Why should you be angry at yourself? You’ve experienced a huge trauma, your life has changed and the man who was an arse in the good times has fucked off now that you can’t meet his needs. Be angry at the world, be angry at him but you deserve care and compassion.

Give yourself time, the anger will come when you’re able to handle it - just now it’s ok to mourn all the losses and changes you’re going through.

@Jellycatspyjamas youre so right I have to treat it as grief and mourn my loss x