Trust issues in new relationship

[cushio]

I'm really looking for some advice here......

Was married for 10 years exH cheated while I was pregnant so obviously a massive betrayal. This was now 8 years ago

After a year I dated a bit but wasn't ready so took a few years out to focus on myself, had therapy to deal with the betrayal etc

The last 2-3 years I've dated people here and there. Mostly disasterous but met a few that I dated for a bit longer but never met anyone I was overly fussed about so never got too invested

After years of hating dating life I've met the most amazing guy. We've had the exclusive chat then a few weeks ago he asked me to be his gf

Happiest I've been in ages and no practical reason to doubt him. However, he's now away with work for 3 nights and I'm driving myself insane with the thought of him meeting someone else or cheating.

Last night he called to say he was on his way back to the hotel for dinner but he didn't plan to hang about it after it but he then went quiet til after midnight, then text to say he was talked into and sat in the bar chatting for 4 hours after dinner.
He's then been so quiet today which is out of character for him. He's on a training course but he was yesterday too and still texted when they had a break

I know his behaviour is perfectly normal so I don't need to hear that I'm needy/clingy/psycho (I already know this lol), but I'm more looking for advice on how to deal with it before I sabotage things with the first decent guy I've met

I don't feel I can do any more work on myself or more counselling etc. I've been doing this for years and felt I'd genuinely moved on.....until now. Maybe it's the fact that's it's the first time I've let my guard down and had feelings for someone that's causing me to panic

Last night he called to say he was on his way back to the hotel for dinner but he didn't plan to hang about it after it but he then went quiet til after midnight, then text to say he was talked into and sat in the bar chatting for 4 hours after dinner.
He's then been so quiet today which is out of character for him. He's on a training course but he was yesterday too and still texted when they had a break

Relax.
Just like the Tea/Consent video - frequent texting yesterday is not a guarantee that you will receive frequent texting today!

He was in the bar for 4 hours, so is likely hungover, & is concentrating on his course.

Also - be logical. Frequency of texts does not denote fidelity. He could text you from the changing room of the womens' rugby team in between servicing all 11 of them plus the referee & you wouldn't know, would you? So why would a lack of texts indicate anything other than you respond poorly to not receiving a lot of texts?

I am so sorry about your past experience with your absolutely Grade A shit of a cheater. Of course it's going to leave you with scars - but that was 8 years ago, & your new man is not that man. If you start to become over anxious & needy about text frequency, it will become a chore to him, he will resent the neediness. & he will feel that you are always trying to make him prove something to you.
But HE is not the person who needs to prove anything.
He didn't shag around on you while you were pregnant.
It's just not his fault, & you must not punish him for it.

I'm pretty sure you know all this intellectually! - but it can be hard in practice.
Have you had any therapy to deal with the fallout from 8 years ago?
It seems so unfair that you are still paying the price, & it would be a sad waste if it makes you start to doubt your current b/f now. Insecurity eventually pushes people away because it's exhausting (for both parties) to live with.
So I suggest some therapy to work on your insecurity & find a way of feeling stronger & more valued in your self. Also - the amazing ChumpLady - here's a relevant article to kick off with, but have a good noodle around the site: she is phenomenal on the subject of cheating ... & the bonus is, she's snarky AF with it.
www.chumplady.com/2014/05/how-do-you-trust-again/

Lack of texts only mean he’s not texting you - it doesn’t mean he’s cheating, or that he’s forgotten you, or that he’s disregarding your - it only means he’s not texting you and there are a hundred reasons why that might be. Try to stop reading motive into action, or lack of action - that way madness lies.

Its hard to trust when you’re trust has been broken, but he’s a different person and, after 8 years, you’ll be a different person in many ways too. Trust yourself to set your own boundaries, check out anything that sets your spidey senses tinging but try not to manufacture problems. If he’s on a course it’s reasonable to expect he’ll be socialising with others - you wouldn’t want him sitting in his room alone while his colleagues are at the bar would you?

What would your normal
pattern of contact look like? I’d take that as a base line and then expect a bit less because business trips tend to be busy and training can be a bit all consuming.

Thanks for the replies.

I've not heard of the tea/consent video, I'll def look that up.

I know logically that texting and fidelity aren't linked but for some reason when I'm feeling like this, I compute lack of texting to be lack of interest. Last night in my head, I'd convinced myself he'd already meet someone on this course and was going to cheat/leave me for her so he was trying to 'phase me out'

The phase then seems to pass and I feel more logical. When he got back to his room and messaged I was already sleeping but he'd messaged about missing me and about how excited he was to see me when he's back

So when i saw the texts this morning I relaxed and was really happy. Then he was quiet all day and my first thought was that he'd only said that cos he felt he had to

As far as I'm aware I've managed to hide how I really feel and I think he actually thinks I'm quite laid back but I can really feel my mental health and moods suffering

I'll look into ChumpLady too - thanks x

It sounds like your ex cheating is still having an effect on you even now, and that's completely understandable. I'm another one who always imagines worst case scenario (ie he's not texting me so he must have lost interest or is cheating).

Did you ever have therapy to work through your issues? CBT can be really good for stuff like this. Also just working on your self esteem in general. Finally - have you considered talking to him about it? Obviously I don't mean accuse him of cheating or anything like that. But if he's as lovely as you say then he should understand. Just explain how stuff from the past means you can sometimes feel insecure and find it hard to trust and that you're working on it but you just wanted him to know. If he's really that lovely then he should understand. Sometimes it's good to open up. All the best

I've had quite a bit of therapy after my divorce covering how I get with the betrayal, how I hadn't deal with at the time (I had a newborn baby to focus on), issues with our co-parenting issues and my exHs desire for control.....

I've not had any therapy specifically in relation towards moving forward in a new relationship. It's not been an issue until now but I think it's a combination of the fact I've not liked anyone since and I've not felt this vulnerable with someone.

I actually think in a long term committed relationship I'm very trusting, when casually dating and there is no expectations of commitment I'm fine. It's this in between stage, where I really like him but don't quite feel secure enough yet

@MyDogLucy's suggestion of CBT is a good one.
It sounds like you are 'catastrophising' & 'black & white' thinking - apologies if you are already au fait with the terminology: if you are not, a quick google will explain.

CBT can help with this, sometimes surpisingly quickly. It's kind of re-training the neural pathways to stop giving you knee-jerk, negative arseache & start latching onto reality. I found it very useful, especially for the insomniac small hours with "intrustive & unwelcome" thoughts about ... experiences leading to c-PTSD.

Give it a whirl OP - you can't be self-sabotaging like this, it's no way to live, & your b/f's last text to you was so sweet - believe him!

I'll definitely look into CBT - I've had therapy but not sure it was this. Sounds like it would really help.

We text a bit earlier before he went for dinner and I felt better but it's started again.....

The thing that's triggering me is that he's been moaning about this course for month and how that when he's had to go away on the past he avoids the social elements as he doesn't enjoy it when it's a group of strangers and says how he has enough friends, colleagues etc to socialise with who are closer to home.

He's now changed his tune, saying the course has been brilliant, people are lovely and he's clearly enjoying socialising with them.

I don't know why my initial thought is that his views must've changed purely because he fancies a female on the course.

I know it's not healthy and making me feel nervous/sick thinking about it. Im actually wondering if I'd just be better off single as this is no way to live!!

Sorry OP I only just spotted your last reply. I mean this kindly but it does sound like you are catastrophising (I do understand, I'm bad for doing this myself) and I really think some therapy or CBT would help you. How are you today?

I don't need to hear that I'm needy/clingy/psycho (I already know this lol

Why is your self esteem so low, OP? You're defending yourself here against being called names without even giving anybody an opportunity to call you them... it's exactly the same pattern as convincing yourself he's up to something hurtful with barely any reason.

He's now changed his tune, saying the course has been brilliant, people are lovely and he's clearly enjoying socialising with them

If you went away on a course and had an affair, surely you'd want your partner at home to spot no difference in your temperament/opinion/mindset? You'd just pretend everything was exactly as predicted, wouldn't you?

Thanks for all the advice ❤️
He's back from the course, seen him last night and he's being his usual lovely self and I'm feeling much more secure

Thankfully he's oblivious to my real thoughts but I know it's not healthy so I'm going to book CBT before I do sabotage it

Might also have a more general chat to him about how I've realised my past is still impacting my emotions and time but that I'm working on it - just so he's awake