When you told your husband you wanted to split up, did you give detailed reasons?

[TrolleyBusLove]

I am very close to telling my husband our marriage is over, I’m just trying to sort paperwork first (he’s aware I am unhappy)

I don’t want to give him a whole long explanation of why I want to split, because I honestly feel like he’ll pick holes in anything I say to prove I’m wrong for wanting to divorce.

I just want to say “I know this will be very difficult for you to hear, but our marriage is over”. But then I think Maybe I owe him more (we’ve been married 10 years with two children) but the real explanation would be pretty horrible and counterproductive to any possible civil co parenting in future - I don’t love him or respect him, in fact marrying him was the biggest mistake of my life.

The alternative is to give him a list of examples of where he has been a terrible husband and father, but 1. I’ve done that before and he temporarily pulls his socks up and 2. It’s easy to argue against and I don’t want a discussion - I just 100% no longer want to be married to him

Is it completely unreasonable of me to tell him we are separating because it’s what I want, and refuse to be drawn any further?

You need to give a reason imo and not loving him any more is a reason (but be prepared for accusations of another man if you say this)

He knows full well what the reasons are, they have come up time and again.
By picking holes in it all he doing is trying to gaslight you into thinking you are being unreasonable.
Just say I've applied for a divorce - don't give any reasons. If he asks just say you know full well what they are.
My ex husband did exactly the same - it was a waste of breath me talking to him.

Don't pick over the past. It's done and can't be changed. Just tell him you don't see a happy future in your relationship, it's not going anywhere, and you would rather make a clean break before you start arguing in the hope you can remain on good terms. This is what me and my soon-to-be ex chose to do. We no longer talk about past events or who was at fault and when. We're staying friends so that we can still be a family for our grown up kids. After a period of upset it's now working and we are both much happier people, separate but coming together for family events.

Sounds like he knows. My exH certainly did. Don't give him reasons if he will argue with them.

He (and others) will assume there's another man involved because that's pretty much the script in those circumstances, more details might help.

Yes of course you need to give some reason. Even if the reason is I don’t love you anymore, which obviously he will be upset by - you still need to say something. To say nothing at all would frankly be bizzare.

You have two children together, this isn’t some online date you just ghost.

He won't listen to a list of why it's all his fault, who would? Just say as PPs have suggested. You don't live him anymore, you don't see a future together etc.

He knows. You've told him the things you're unhappy about and he has failed to address them long term. Whatever you tell him, he will pick holes and go on the attack so you might as well tell him the truth.

This isnt working, we're both unhappy, i care about you but not in love with you, we would both be happier as coparents instead of partners, we tried and it hasnt worked, i just cant do this anymore, no I wont change my mind, no there is no point trying again, no I dont want to, this is for the best.

On repeat, while you get the practical side sorted. Be ready for him to turn nasty once he realises there is no wheedling out of it.

I’ve done that before

That's why she doesn't. She's told him when it could have made a difference. He doesn't change, argues with her, and does what he likes.

I suppose she could say, "I've spoken to you about the issues in our marriage, that's why" but what's the point? It won't change anything.

Tell him that the only long term improvement will come through separation and divorce. So that's what your choosing to do. The short term improvements just paper over the cracks and that's not how you want to live. He'll probably promise to pull his socks up again, but IMO that only puts off the inevitable. 💐

Thanks for all your responses

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea yes, that’s the sort of script I had in mind (and yes he will definitely turn nasty, he’s quite nasty in day to day life anyway, so I am braced for it although dreading it)

I can see why people not close to me might assume another man, but I’d be surprised if my husband and closest family thought that - i never have a minute to myself, there is zero opportunity!

I have been trying to figure out the same speech. All reasons could be hurtful to him and make him nasty and spiteful so I'm thinking I might just say "I am done. I can no longer live like this, I want a divorce".

If he bothers to ask why I shall repeat that I am not happy, I am done. If he says its my fault I will say "if thats how you feel, okay. All the more reasons to divorce".

Let me know if you do something different and its received calmly please.

I don’t want to give him a whole long explanation of why I want to split, because I honestly feel like he’ll pick holes in anything I say to prove I’m wrong for wanting to divorce.

Oh, the irony! - if he wasn't such a nitpicking minimiser & denier of his own terrible parenting & spousal skills, you wouldn't be wanting to divorce him ...

No of course you don't owe him a long convoluted explanation.
"I'm unhappy, you know I've been unhappy for a long time, nothing has changed, we're done" should cover it.

He is then at perfect liberty to believe you are "wrong" for wanting to divorce, & you are at perfect liberty to ignore him.

You do not need his permission or acceptance to remove yoruself from the marriage. That goes for you too @Pixiedust1234

@KettrickenSmiled

“You do not need his permission or acceptance to remove yourself from the marriage”

THIS. It has taken me so long to get into a headspace where I can acknowledge that my feelings matter. It’s always been what he thinks or feels that has taken priority. I just know he’ll say “but I love you” as if that’s the end of it. (Then once he realises I’m not backing down he’ll get angry and say “I’m not leaving this fucking house” etc)

But if I can just get to that stage, horrendous though I know if will be, I’ll know I’ll be able to see it through to the end.

@Pixiedust1234 best of Luck to you . I shall let you know the outcome

@TrolleyBusLove

Male entitlement at its finest - "but I love you".
ie what I want is paramount, & your feelings don't come into it.

One step at a time, you will get there xx

(Then once he realises I’m not backing down he’ll get angry and say “I’m not leaving this fucking house” etc)

"No need to tell me dear, tell your lawyer to tell my lawyer."
And ... breathe!

He can refuse til he's blue in the face. If you want to sell the house, & you are on the deeds - it will be sold. he's just used to getting his own way, & gobsmacked that you are in fact an autonomous individual.

It doesn't matter whether the OP is on the deeds or not, they are married.

I agree with others, he can't argue with: "I don't love you any more".

I think my exact words were “I’m done, I can’t do this anymore, you need to leave. “ he left. A few days later he came back and I was able to say the word divorce. He knew what the issues were, we’d be living them for years. No need to rehash.

Same as the previous poster. I just said I can't do it anymore. He knew why and was keen not to draw attention to the reasons.

Oops, was posting imagining Op was a partner, not a wife. Dog knows why, she wrote it clear as day!

When I decided I had enough I pitched it as the best option for both of us as we were both unhappy. I didn't get into the reasons for my unhappiness as he knew then. He was also unhappy but having his needs met so would have just kept going forever. Since then we have never gone into the why our marriage failed and it's been conducive to effective co-parenting. We can talk as friends and that is very valuable.

I was in a similar position
Over the years we repeated the same patterns - I said what the issue was and he would accept then do it again
I said I couldn't keep going on like it
It kept on
I told him it was over
He still doesn't really believe the reasons
He says he didn't think I meant them at the time
Every now and then I repeat the same message when he brings it up - he still takes no responsibility
I kind of just roll with it
You need to get to a head space where whatever he says has no impact
You know
He knows
He just may not accept it
But that's ok it's not about his acceptance it's about your decision.

These messages have all been extremely helpful.

I plan to tell him in the next few weeks - I will report back here when there is progress being made towards a separation.

I find myself writing things like “I’ll report back IF there is a separation “ then I stop and remind myself that it’s not IF it’s WHEN because he DOESNT NEED TO AGREE . The responses on here are an invaluable support, thank you