Husband lying

[KimberleyS91]

Anxious to write this post but I need to offload and hopefully get some advice.

I've been with my husband for six years this year. He has always struggled with managing finances, paperwork, making sure things are done on time, etc. The problem is, he lies about it. At first, I worked through it with him and told him that I can't help if he hides things and it makes it so much worse by lying to me. The problem is, this happens very frequently. We are in some debt which we have a plan for with StepChange, but I even found out recently he had missed three payments for that plan which I didn't know about and they almost closed the plan down.

The biggest issue at the moment is that a few months ago, his mum very generously gave him money to complete his HGV training. I assumed it had been paid, given she had transferred him the money. A letter came recently which said he had only paid the deposit and the rest was outstanding, which the company has now passed to creditors. I was obviously really confused as he told me that he thought it had all been paid. It turns out he paid the deposit but didn't pay the remaining fees. I was so angry, especially as his mum had given him all that money to pay it and we now obviously owe the company putting us in even more debt.

I feel like he maybe feels he can't approach me because of my reaction. I become upset, angry (nothing terrible, just peed off sort of thing) but the problem is that I wouldn't get angry if this didn't keep happening. I don't know how to not be exasperated by the lying and the sheer inability to not take responsibility. I have told him at times when he has put us in a scary position that I can't take anymore, but I always forgive him.

I've now got the details of his bank login (he explicitly gave me permission so I could keep track) and I've found out he also has an OnlyFans account. He's not paid for anything (as far as I can tell?) but when I've just asked him if he had one, he said no not that he knew of. He's now saying that he DID get an account at the start of lockdown when everyone was talking about it (?!) but doesn't use it anymore.

I don't know what to do. We've only been married less than two years. We have a child. I don't know how to respond or help this situation anymore.

I’m not sure what to advise.
I couldn’t live with debt and lies.
Do you want to stay with him?

I would divorce and separate finances from him, immediately. You don't need to break up, but you need to legally and financially separate yourself from him, for your protection.

Leave and separate finances.

but I always forgive him
And there’s your problem. He knows he can get away with it.
Lying about the only fans would anger me more then the debt tbh. I would separate but that’s because I couldn’t live with someone who was constantly lying and making me pick up the pieces.

Do you know what he spends the money on?

Whatever it is, it's not ok. Especially the stealing off his mum and getting you in more debt.

I don't think he's a good husband and you'd be better without him. Debt is awful, so stressful, and it's him that's landing you in this mess.

I'd be really pissed off about the lying, the (basically) stealing from his mother (what did he do with the rest of the money he gave her?) him getting you both in debt and giving you a bad credit rating and I'd be asking a lot more questions about his only fans account too, gross

If you want to stay with him, take control of his banking and all debts.

How you'll respect him is another matter.

As is how he will ever learn.

Where is all this money going?

He’s a pathetic man child who knows he’ll get away with it. He doesn’t bother to grow up as you and mummy will fix it with a little minor scolding. How utterly unattractive you must find him.

However, with the half-arsed lying about OnlyFans and his straight-up lying about finances, I’d be separating everything and leaving him to fester in his own fuck up.

I personally wouldn't be with someone who had an Only Fans account...

I also wouldn't be with a liar.

Does he have any positive attributes?

Because having a wank is unforgiveable compared to stealing money off his family 😂

OP you've got sight of his finances, can you see where the money is going? Does he regularly withdraw cash and go out with friends? If so, I suspect coke use.

He's a compulsive liar and there's no happy ending with someone like that. What's he spending the money on? What happened to the money his mum gave him? His feigning ignorance over any awkward situations is just a defence mechanism - he knows exactly what the score is.

I'm afraid your best option is to leave.

Who said anything about having a wank..?

Anyway, my point was, even before the financial issue (which is arguable more important!) I wouldn't want someone who has an Only Fans account or who lies..

He just doesn't sound like a keeper.

Struggling with managing finances is another way of saying spending more than you have. Some people on low incomes with high necessary expenditure can't help this, but you've said nothing to indicate he's in this situation. If he was, the simplest thing would be to tell you he couldn't afford his expenses rather than take out debt and hide it. Equally if he was an obvious overspender, designer clothes, gadgets etc you would have probably seen it coming. So, odds on, he's getting into debt for spending he doesn't want you to know about. Underneath the surface problems of debt and lies is very possibly another problem, gambling, drugs or drinking.