How do you get over someone you didn't want?

[Tiredandfedup22]

I told my dh I couldn't do it anymore last year.
I loved him, but just couldn't do it..
He has since moved on, very quickly, having led me on to believe was still working on our marriage.
How do I move on from this.
I know he was a shitty husband and father, but this new woman, when leading me to believe we were working on things has really thrown me

I mean you said you didn't want him anymore but then get upset when he moves on? Seems like "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you" vibes.

He shouldn't have made you think he wanted to fix the marriage if that isn't the case , but you say he was a shitty husband and dad, and you didn't want it anymore.. so be happy that he has made the break up easy for you. Now you don't have to be tempted to go back

You're free to move on with your life & find someone who is a good husband/partner.

You ended things? Did you expect him to wait around for you to change your mind 🤔

So it bothers you that he's moved on after you dumped him.

Things like this I just don’t get, did you expect him to mope around until you decided if you wanted him back? Taking it you haven’t managed to meet anyone since and just jealous that he has?

He was the love of my life.

I just wanted him to do better.

16 years and 2 kids .

I wanted him to show we deserved more

I’m sorry this happened to you. Sounds like you gave him an ultimatum hoping he would change but instead he just accepted it was over.
Its only natural to miss him and to feel upset he’s with someone else as you were together for a long time and have a family together.
Sorry to say it will take time. Take time to mourn the loss of your relationship and your past. Take a few days to feel down about it, express your emotions and talk tk people. Then try and start each day as a new start. Spend time focussing on you, rest, relax, see friends, do things with your family and try start a new hobby. Over time it will get easier but don’t feel bad about it taking time.

I think in most cases , if someone hasn't been willing to make changes in the relationship despite years of begging and reasoning... they won't ever. I think if someone really values the relationship they will make the changes or at least try to. Him not all these years... Well he just didn't care enough too. And his quickness to move on, just shows that.

I know it's hard, but at least he didn't fake changes and put on a show, you move back, and it goes back to how it was, now you have your answer and can move on with someone who actually gives a shit.

I get it.
Instead of trying, he just moved on.
Well that might be incredibly painful in the short-term but i think it might actually make things easier when you do process this. This is who he is. Shocking in the aftermath of the discovery, but not a man you will end up longing for or missing.
X

But he has shown you that you deserve more. Repeatedly.

He doesn't need to show you that you're worth more. You know that or you wouldn't have ended things.

I get the indignation of him seeming to swan off into happiness when he gave you misery upon misery for over a decade. The very best thing you can do about that is get on with your life and give zero shits about his. Find happiness, grab it with both hands and don't even look for his reaction. There is nothing that these kind of men like more than feeling that someone just can't get over how brilliant they were. It's an ego boost that they can't get enough of. Give him none. Nothing at all. Don't ever show he's upset you.

He was quite abusive to me and I'm sat here broken, whilst he just moved along to the next.

I just wanted him to be a decent husband and father and he just replaced me.

He has lied so much since he moved out, it has made me question our whole marriage.

I've always known deep down that he never really cared. It is the worst pain I have ever felt and I can't seem to let it go.

I can't look at him, how on earth am I supposed to co parent with him.

Maybe I am just what he said I was, shit wife, shit mum 😢

He was abusive so why do you want him back?

@BiscoffSundae I haven't had anything to do with another man. Not so much as a message. I wanted my marriage to work, which my husband knew, so please don't make that assumption.

We were still talking about our marriage and spending time together right up until I found out about the latest woman he has lied through his teeth about.

I think that's why it has thrown me so much.

He has since asked if it is too late for us, but he's done the one thing I can't come back from.

@BiscoffSundae I don't as such, otherwise he would have been back.

I wanted him to change, but he didn't and I'm struggling to let go.

You're not shit. Just because he moved on doesn't make him less shit.

Take it as the evidence that when you called time on his BS ways, instead of stepping up he chose to exit. You could either have been miserable and stayed with this crappy man or left to find your own happiness. And you will - you deserve someone who cares about you, the marriage, kids and wants to make things work. He wasn't that man. Doesn't mean he didn't love you or that the marriage was meaningless - just that you weren't right together.

Focus on you, your future. Let her have him and be grateful he's not your problem anymore. I know it sucks now but honestly it will be ok. Don't focus on what he's doing - you have no idea why he's with her or what he's thinking. So don't waste energy, all you know for sure is he made you miserable and you don't deserve that.

Read up on trauma bonds - it's hugely common for partners to feel a profound loss and grief in the aftermath of a relationship break up when there has been abuse, even if they've initiated it. It's really not as simple as just saying "if he was X, why do you want him back" - it's much more complex unfortunately.

What you feel now is numb - you’ve been so used to a rampage of emotions, the really good times V tip toeing in egg shells, waiting for the next high in the relationship.

From never feeling safe to suddenly feeling alone - well in a few months when you’ve processed this and let him go - because he will try and work his way back, on less favourable terms than before and wear you down some more, and he will because you’ve excepted less - you’ll start to wonder what you were doing with him in the first place.

Be kind to yourself. Be smart. Focus on you and the children and rip the plaster off.

I just feel so stupid for holding out hope for so long.

I'm an idiot and he has made an utter fool of me.

I hate having to communicate with him now. He has hurt me so much.

Those feelings will pass in time, they don't feel like it right now, but this is yet another way he's behaved appallingly toward you and given you hope of change to snatch it away again.

What I did in the wake of my abusive relationship split (instigated by me, but still regretful over it based on the rejection felt) was write down every reason I decided I wanted to leave him, plus all the shitty things that had happened beforehand. Each time I felt the pull of rose tinting the relationship or believing I was to blame, I read those words I'd written to reassure myself.

Communication wise - especially if he's abusive, stick to e-mail. Block on all social media, whatsapp etc. Route him through an email and stick to some very clear boundaries over what type of contact he can have - e.g.; only about the children and arrangements/emergencies regarding them. Look up the "grey rock" technique and implement it - give no emotional responses, even though you're teeming with emotions.

Thanks @PollyDarton1

I'm sorry you have been through this too. It is utterly shit.

I am now keeping communication minimal, but am still obsessing over him, when I really shouldn't be.

I keep imagining him doing all the things I begged for, for her.

The worst part is knowing that my kids are going to have this whole other life that is seperate to me. I never wanted this for them, ever.

I also didn't want them to grow up to have the same low opinion of me that he kept spouting either though I guess.

My head is such a mess. I'm having counselling but I just feel stuck.

I wanted us to have a good co parenting relationship, where we could be around each other, but he's caused so much pain, it's just hurting me and I can't keep up the friendly facade anymore.

It is utterly shit, and I really really feel for you because I am in a very similar boat.

I've asked myself so many times how he can somehow be this changed person with his new girlfriend (of 4 months, who he introduced to our DS after 7 weeks) and yet be so vile to me a lot of the time. He's already blended the families after 2 months, and they do all the things he refused to do with our DS when he was on his own with him/with me. It hurts like hell because all I wanted was him to be happy and kinder to me.

What I've come to peace with is that even if my ex has changed, it still doesn't invalidate or change what I experienced. I clearly wasn't the right person for him or him for me. It takes ages to get to that point of acceptance and I still have a lot of ruminating, obsessive thoughts about him, them together, our relationship etc but my life now (if sometimes lonely) is much easier, more carefree and less stressful for not being in the relationship. Unfortunately my ex has continued to be abusive since we split, but that's on him, not me and I've tried to act appropriately at most junctures.

Even abusers give you glimpses of a better self. You hang on to this and believe that if the other things stopped, it would be perfect. You didn't dump him, you temporarily distanced to induce him to change, and thought that both of you working on your marriage meant your perfect relationship was in reach.
Even if he hadn't moved on, it wouldn't have worked, as he wouldn't have changed. By not even trying, he has actually spared you a cycle of false hope and disappointment. You could have wasted even more years hoping for something that never happened.

@PollyDarton1 how do these people do this? Just move on without a care in the world.

I have no doubt that my dh will be off to play doting partner and step father of the year in no time either, when he put no effort into anything with us.

How long have you been separated?

I'm glad you've found some acceptance. I hope I can get there too.

@5128gap I know you're right. It's just all the lying he's done has really messed with my head.

I always thought he was an honest person. It's made me question our whole marriage, even more than I already was!

I have waited for almost a year to do better. I'm just glad I didn't let him move back home when he wanted to. My gut knew it wouldn't get better and he just kept letting me down.

I can’t offer any advice, OP. But I sympathise. I hope you will find, as so many of us have, that the pain wears off eventually and better people come into your life.

Even after I found out about this woman he was asking if was too late for us.

I have no doubt he is lying to us both.

It's honestly made me ill.