39, struggling with regret after leaving abusive relationship

[Snowdrops2]

Hello,
I’m new to mumsnet and wasn’t even sure where to post this.
I just turned 39 last week and really struggling at the moment. A year and a half ago I left an abusive relationship. I was with him from age 34 to 37. When I left the relationship I felt such a different mix of feelings - gratitude for finally being free of him, I felt proud of myself for eventually being able to walk away. And although I felt a lot of fear for what he might do to me for leaving, I also felt hopeful that there was a better life out there. When I left the last time, I knew that was it. I was never going back. I had tried to leave him several times before, but always got manipulated into going back. But this time I knew this was it - I was finally free.
Since I left, my ex has never let me be “free”, so to speak. Sometimes he shows up at my house begging me to get back together with him, saying it was all some misunderstanding on my part. Mostly though he trolls me and harasses me online, sending me vile messages and threats and also trying to befriend or be in contact with anyone he knows are in my life. So there is still some level of control there. It has started to get less frequent with time thankfully though.
strangely, I feel more affected by it all now than I did at the time I left. Maybe when I left it was all adrenaline and I felt proud ans somehow hopeful. Now I feel like im still living in fear, a year and a half on. And it feels socially unacceptable if that makes sense. People keep saying to me to enjoy the present. To put it all behind me, leave the past in the past etc. But im finding it so hard to do, no matter how hard i desperately want to be “over it”. I still have nightmares about him - like night terrors where I dream about him getting into my house or strangling me or murdering me or my new partner or my (future) children (I don’t have any children).
what im struggling with the most is regret. I desperately want to have a family, it has always been what I wanted most. I just turned 39 so it seems like that possibility is rapidly dwindling.
i have a new partner now. He is wonderful. The best relationship I’ve had in my life and I love him dearly. I hadn’t expected - when leaving my abusive relationship when I was almost 38, that id get another chance at love. The relationship itself initially made me so hopeful too, as I could see a whole different life ahead of me. We have been together almost a year.
i have really struggled with turning 39. I think I have a lot of anger and regret that I potentially spent my last fertile years with my abusive ex. My feelings about my age and dwindling fertility are all interconnected with the abuse.
before I left my abusive partner, we had actually started to try and have a baby. It seems lunacy to me now and I beat myself up about almost being so stupid as to have a child with an abusive man. It was one of the ways he tried to control me. He knew how desperately I wanted a family, so he really strongly manipulated me into thinking he was my last chance of ever being a mother, and no man would ever want me at my age. I think it was trying for a baby that ultimately caused me to leave. I literally woke up one day thinking I might be pregnant and sobbing my eyes out that - despite desperately wanting to be a mother - I might have brought a child into this abusive household. So I left. My ex threatened to kill himself when I left. Then he threatened to kill me.
Now I’m 39. Rather than enjoying what have been some lovely times with my new partner, I am really struggling with the fertility thing. I got lots of fertility tests before leaving my ex, and they were all generally fine. But I guess in the back of my mind I know that my ex and I tried for about 9 months and nothing happened. The main reason I got the tests were because he had called me “a barren bitch” and infertile, and it started to play on my mind. But the problem equally could have been him - he refused to get any fertility tests saying all his family (brothers) were super fertile and there was no way the problem could be with him. So I have no way of knowing if it was me or him (I am very thankful we never conceived however!)
it feels like it is too early in my new relationship to start trying for a baby. But I don’t know what to do about these deep feelings of regret about fertility. I know I can’t turn back the clock but at the same time I am really beating myself up about what I feel like was a waste of my last fertile years. I think I could get over the abuse and staying with him too long if everything ultimately turned out ok and he hadn’t succeeded in depriving me of the chance of ever being a mother. But until I know whether that’s the case or not, its really hard for me to move past the abuse.
i almost feel bad for complaining (which is part of the reason im posting here rather than talking to family or friends about this). I really did turn my life around. As well as an abusive relationship I also had a toxic work environment so I managed to extract myself from two really unhealthy dynamics in my life and build a really healthy relationship with a wonderful guy, and move jobs to a much more fulfilling career. So on the face of it my life is so much better than it was before. And in some ways im proud I was able to do that. But im still haunted by the feeling that perhaps it was all too late.
practically speaking I don’t know what to do. Should I freeze my eggs or am I too old for that? Should I discuss freezing embryos with my new partner? Or even trying for a baby? I would stress that there’s no doubt in my mind that my partner is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and be the father of my children. But at the same time he is much more level headed and sensible than my ex. I think part of me is scared of ruining things by pushing him to move too fast. My ex was very erratic and impulsive so there’s all sorts of feelings and trauma around that as well. I feel like if my new partner and I had more time, everything would be great. I know we’d eventually get married and have children but I don’t know that we realistically have time for “normal” timescales.
thank you for listening. It has helped just sharing this, I think.

I think you are in a very difficult place. And though your post was rather long, I think it boils down to, I’m 39, I want a family, but I’ve only just met my new partner - should I be trying for a baby now, otherwise will it be too late?

on top of that, you know you should be proud of yourself for ditching your abusive partner, and relieved that it’s (mostly) over. But the trauma from that relationship is still intruding on the present.

You also ditched a toxic job.

so though you now have a better job and lovely partner, the worry about your fertility, the trauma from your abuser and your supposed “guilt” for allowing this happen at all are stopping you from being happy about the present.

I think the fertility issue is your most pressing. I suggest you look through the fertility/conception boards to get an idea what your options are. Learn about how you can go about freezing eggs etc. Carefully think about whether having a baby is more important to you at this time than letting the relationship develop slowly. Some single women opt to have a baby knowing they will raise it by themselves, and they are ok with that. I had my DD at 38 and a half despite never being pregnant before.

Once you have a more settled idea about that, turn your attention to your recovery from the trauma of your abuse. If you can afford therapy, do it as soon as possible, if not see if you can be put on a waiting list by your GP. Read online, or buy a book on anything that will help you heal. There are many titles I’ve seen recommended by other posters.

Lastly, you are kicking yourself for the “wasted” years. I think if you can get some control over the other two issues, the guilt will gradually fade. Can you perhaps “park” these feelings for the time being until you’ve got some control with the first two.

I saw your post, and that you’d had no replies, so I wanted to help in some way. If you feel that I’ve misunderstood your post, or offered misplaced advice, please don’t feel bad about telling me.

I wish you the very best.

I'm also getting out of an abusive relationship and totally get you on the feeling of regret (though the fact you are now in a healthy relationship gives me hope).

I think the way they get at your self-esteem plays a big part in it, but its not your fault and you have done so well getting out (and with your job as well). You should be really proud of yourself.

I think it might help to talk to your partner about what you want from the future...not in a demanding you have kids now way, but just about how you feel. If he's a good guy (and it sounds like he is) he should be open to that conversation. He knows you're 39 so I don't think this will come out of the blue. You'll feel better for knowing how he sees the future playing out and be better placed to make decisions (e.g. freezing eggs).

I hope that helps a bit. Life is hard sometimes, but you're doing really well!

I stayed too long in a bad relationship. Finally freed myself and moved on, but I’d left it too late to get pregnant when I met my now DH, and I’ve always regretted that.

You still (I hope) have some time. Talk honestly about your hopes with your new DP. I very much hope he wants to seize the chance too, and I hope it all works out well.

The worst option is not to tell him, and not to even try. Good luck xx

Thanks @sleepymum50 , I appreciate my post was rather long and rambly. Probably reflective of my state of mind atm. You summarised it so much better than me!
Thank you for your advice - it means a lot.
I had looked into having a baby on my own before and after leaving my ex. So it is something I have seriously considered. In an ideal world, I’d much prefer to have children with my partner, but that also depends on what he wants. It causes me a lot of anxiety to be so dependent on him in that way, but you are right he is a (very) good guy so I we should absolutely talk more seriously about it. I guess I’ve just been putting it off because of the guilt and trauma. We have talked generally about what we want for the future, and we both want a family. He is so great with kids too. But my inkling is that he’d rather wait longer than me.
We have known each other since 2017. I actually met him shortly before I got together with my abusive ex. So we have a history of friendship even though we’ve only been together a year. I think that’s part of the guilt and regret too - because I liked him the day I met him (and it turns out he liked me too) but then made a stupid decision to get together with my abusive ex who was awful from the start.
I have been getting therapy too - it is generally helping I think, but it’s also a lot to open up those wounds too.
I should really talk to my partner about this soon. I’m sure he will be understanding and hopefully we can find a way forward. I think it’s fear of ruining things that is stopping me.

Thanks @sadsusie for your supportive post. I really appreciate it.
I'm so sorry to hear you are in an abusive relationship too and I wish you all the best getting out of it. It takes so much courage and strength! But you will be so much better off when you are out of it.
Honestly the best thing I've ever done was leaving that vile man. I just struggle with the fact I was ever with him in the first place and regret not trusting my initial instincts about him. I felt so trapped and I'm thankful every day (despite the regret, guilt etc) that I left that horrible man. There is definitely hope! He made me believe I was too old to ever have any other man interested in being with me. And my new partner is my dream guy. Kind (that was the most important thing to me), funny, super smart, respectful, good looking. He's a real catch and the best partner I've ever had by a long shot. It's been dreamy from the start (and not in a toxic love bombing way). And I was 38 when we got together.
You're right I should talk to him. I will. I've just been putting it off through fear.
I wish you so much strength in leaving your abusive partner xx

Dear @ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus I'm so sorry to hear that - it made me so sad to read about your regret.
You're so right that I need to just talk to him. And I hope there is still time for us. He is one year younger than me but maybe he has the same worries too (I always think it's so much easier for men, but I guess sometimes they fee the biological clock too)
Thanks again for sharing your story and for the support xx

How are you doing @Snowdrops2 ? Did you manage to talk to your partner? I know this thread is quite old but I was so in awe of your story and what you've achieved, you've done amazingly.