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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Psychological abuse?

25 replies

Whowillwin · 06/06/2022 23:40

I've posted several times here over the last 2, 3 years for support (namechanged). My relationship with H has deteriorated due to his ogling behaviour. I found it disrespectful and put me off going out with him anywhere. We've discussed this over the years, at first denies it, calls me names, gaslights, then partly admits it, but that it wasn't meant to be disrespectful, it's a quirk of his, it's all a bit of a game.

Fast forward a few years, I'm done. I get severe anxiety just at the thought of him being with me and DD out anywhere, I'm wary of bringing anyone home (lost a friendship due to him being a creep) and I realised he's never going to change.

I told him today it's over. I haven't mentioned a reason, just said I don't want this marriage anymore. He went crazy, called me a psychopath, a f..ing bitch, it's all in my head, all this in front of our 4.5 yo DD. Started acusing me of abuse..telling me he should hide all the knives as I might stab him (there has never been any physical abuse between us), telling me I've done absolutely nothing with my life (I came to this country 16 years ago with £50 in my pocket and I studied, got several good jobs, travelled the world and bought a property in London before I met him). I stood there silently realising this is psychological abuse, perhaps his ogling behaviour was also a form of psychological abuse as well as the gaslighting when I called him out on it.

After all this abuse he calms down and wants to hold my hand, tells me he cares about me ..we've been here so many times before and noting ever changes, I'm sick!

I'm broken tonight, I've got a busy week with DD but I can't rest. I've had a free one hour chat with a solicitor a few months ago so broadly I do know my rights. But I see no light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

OP posts:
JerichoGirl · 06/06/2022 23:45

I’m not sure what your question is, or is it that you are asking for moral support while you go through the process of leaving?

There is nothing to discuss wrt the marriage itself, clearly it is highly toxic.

Original poster
Whowillwin · 06/06/2022 23:47

@LookingForSalt Yes, sorry..just having a moan and looking for some support

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 06/06/2022 23:47

I am sorry to read this. Getting it down on paper is the beginning of your realisation that this is truly over. Nobody should have to live with a man who behaves like this and expects his wife to accept what he does. Nobody should have to live with abuse.
Do not weaken. Pick your time to make your next move and do not allow him to beat you down mentally or to frighten you into submission. Abusers rely on their victim to give in. Be strong.

JerichoGirl · 06/06/2022 23:54

Totally understand. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot.

I think the realisation that it’s over can be huge to process. Try to look forward, to imagine yourself living without this crap. You will be free of the drama and will be able to start living a full life again.

ValerieCupcake · 06/06/2022 23:58

What a nutjob you married. Well done on waking up and smelling the coffee.

Original poster
Whowillwin · 07/06/2022 00:02

Another thing he does he pushes all the blame on me. I used to fall for it but I realise now this is actually abuse. Can anyone recommend some good resources to read on this subject?

OP posts:
onedayiwillflyaway1 · 07/06/2022 00:04

Sounds like you've done the hard part and told him truthfully how you feel and that it's over. Prepare for him to ramp up the psychological warfare stay resilient things will get better. Moan here all you want if it helps.

Original poster
Whowillwin · 07/06/2022 00:04

Thank you for your messages. Haven't told anyone in real life yet so any words of advice/support are appreciated

OP posts:
Zpoa · 07/06/2022 00:15

You are doing the right thing for you and your daughter. It's tough going for a while and you need to give yourself some time to heal from it.

Jux · 07/06/2022 01:19

Stop walking on eggshells (or maybe How to stop.....). Can't remember who by, but it'll be on Amazon. Get it on Kindle if you have one, then he won't see what you're reading... It's quite old now, and I'm sure there are lots which have been recommended on Relationships over theyears but this seems to be a good one (my iwn therapist recommended it recently).

Good luck in your journey. It'll be tough, especially with a child involved, but you sound resourceful and determined, so I believe you'll come out the other side singing! Believe in yourself and remind yourself of what you've ahieved by yourself already when times get difficult and you're feeling down.

AdamRyan · 07/06/2022 08:09

Why does he do that? By lundy bancroft.

frozendaisy · 07/06/2022 08:16

You have ripped the plaster off.
Take a deep breath.
So this is the start of the rest of your life going forward.

Stay calm, you don't have to explain yourself but you can keep repeating our marriage is over and shouting I am a psycho bitch really just confirms it more to me. So we go forward as parents to our daughter. That is what we need to sort out.

It will be ok.

Maytodecember · 07/06/2022 08:28

To me as soon as they say the horrible comments are meant as a joke, or just a bit if fun, this shows how cruel they are.
I think you need to see a solicitor, get somewhere safe with your daughter and then divorce him. His reactions sound horrendous and although you’ve said there’s been no physical violence he does not sound stable.
if you own the property you live in you can eject him. Get the locks changed while he’s out and call the police if he harasses you. You can out his stuff outside for him to collect.
please look out for your own safety but get rid as soon as you can.

MzHz · 07/06/2022 09:14

We know how overwhelmed you are by all this. This thread - or the replies - will be all saying the same thing, it will come at you like a tidal wave, but that’s because there are - sadly - so many of us who have walked in your shoes… and come out the other side, better, stronger and happier

admitting it yourself is one thing, admitting it to us is another great step forward

you will need a friend to confide in IRL, but that is for when you’re ready. We’re here for you and we all want you to be happy and healthy and loving life. That will come, but never as long as you’re in this relationship with him.

you didn’t cause this, you can’t fix this. He is who he is and won’t ever change. The book “Why does he do that?” Will tell you this

billy1966 · 07/06/2022 09:33

He is absolutely abusive and what your daughter witnessed was huge emotional abuse.

Please call Womens aid for a listening ear.

He sounds like a really ugly sleazy man.

Your skin must crawl.

Now is time to get your copies of paperwork together.

Would you look at moving out because of the abuse?

A small studio would be enough, just to get you out until your divorce goes through.

Please stop protecting his sleazy and abusive behaviour.

Tell family and friends the truth.

You will feel huge relief from being honest.

This is not your shame.

This is all on him.

Please call Womens aid for support.

You couldn't possibly stay.
Can you imagine him around your daughters friends?

She will be at school soon and will make friends.

If my child was invited to your to play and your husband was like that, I wouldn't want my child near your home.

I'm being honest.

I wouldn't trust him.

You need to do this for your daughter.

Original poster
Whowillwin · 07/06/2022 10:54

Thank you everyone x

He says it's all in my head, it's all speculation (even though he's admitted to his behaviour a few times). He says no one is going to believe me that he is abusive or that he is a sleaze.

Told me yesterday I'm ruining my DD's life by divorcing him.

We live in his house (no mortgage) so I can't evict him. However, the solicitor said I'm entitled to half the house as this is our matrimonial home and I'm the primary carer for DD.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/06/2022 11:53

Stop talking to him about this.

Move into another bedroom and go through your solicitor.

He is further being abusive telling you that no one will believe you.

Tell your GP th truth and what your daughter witnessed.

You may have to force the sale of the house but you are entitled to half, if not more.

Get any paperwork you can together.

If he is even slighly abusive again, call the police and have him removed from the house.

Do not be intimidated by him.

Ringing 101 and telling them that your husband is abusive, you have told him you want a divorce but you have to remain in the home.

Ask the police to put a marker on your number and address so they can respond quickly should you need their help.

Stop engaging with him.
The marriage is over and you need to move forward with your plans.

Keep posting if it helps.
We are here for you.

Original poster
Whowillwin · 07/06/2022 12:43

@billy1966 Thank you for listening x

I'm not feeling well today but have to keep going. I know things will get better, I've been through shit before and came out the other way happier. It's the added complication of DD otherwise it would be very easy and he knows that.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/06/2022 20:21

Thats why the tough moves are the best.
Moving into your own room.
Telling family and friends.
Telling your GP and the police.
Getting the paperwork together.
Seeing a solicitor.

Being proactive.

If he tries to bully you, you tell him that the police have been made aware of his abuse of you and your daughter.

Having a secret phone, always charged is good.
Make sure your pin codes are good.

You can do this.

Cherrysoup · 07/06/2022 20:28

But tbh, it’ll be far better for your dd to be away from him. He sounds horrible.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/06/2022 20:50

He is a disgrace of a human being. To say all of that in front his 4 yr old daughter.

Well done for starting the process. You need a lawyer and you need money to pay them. You want a clear picture of your joint assets and income. Pensions, savings, investments etc. Document as much as you can. Find a lawyer you like and settle in for a battle, because someone who behaves like that will try to use the legal system to abuse you too. Start to keep a diary of everything, and report any frightening behaviour to the police.

StopStartStop · 07/06/2022 21:04

As far as I can tell from your opening post, you are bloody amazing! Keep breathing, watch out for the safety of you and DD and carry on. You're doing the right thing.

Original poster
Whowillwin · 08/06/2022 14:17

@StopStartStop Thank you x

@AdamRyan I ordered the book, should come in a few days x

@billy1966 thank you, very good practical advice. We sleep in separate rooms as we've had arguments before about the same issues and he decided to sleep in the living room on the sofa for a while, which is great. I have been feeling much better whitout him in my room.

I'm feeling really really tired at the moment. I can't find the energy to do anything. DD has been under the weather lately too which doesn't help as she keeps waking up in the night, further disturbing my sleep.

I haven't seen him much yesterday as we came late and I cooked dinner for DD and then straight to bath and bed. He keeps asking me to come downstairs in the evenings as 'he wants to talk' . I've managed to avoid that so far.

OP posts:
BornBlonde · 16/06/2022 20:46

Stay strong, get you and your DD away from him

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