I feel like this is going to be massive but lots to cover.
My marriage seems to be in trouble and need to know if it’s me or him or a combination and how to fix it. We have 2 kids under 3. We own our home (with mortgage). I work 3 days a week, he works full time. I do all nursery/childcare drop offs, most house and mental load stuff. Our youngest is still BF so I am up between 5.30 and 6.30 everyday, even on my lie in day. Both our jobs are OK paid, I bring home £1200 a month, he brings home £1700. Our bills including childcare and food come to around £1900 which leaves us with £500 each to cover fun stuff, dinner out etc.
He smokes weed. I have no idea how much, I choose not to know. I’d prefer he didn’t but we’ve had endless arguments about it and I try to pretend it doesn’t happen. After dinner (I cook, he cleans up) he goes outside to smoke, I go upstairs and watch TV in our room. We rarely spend any evening time together as I don’t want to sit waiting for him, nor spend time with someone who stinks of weed. This leads to us having few real conversations and lots of things discussed via text which means tone isn’t always conveyed correctly.
He has recently been moaning about the cost of living and how he feels so scared and anxious about the future and that he has so little money left at the end of the month. I don’t consume much news so am probably living in ignorance but honestly haven’t felt the effects of the cost of living crisis particularly keenly. Yes, food shop and petrol have gone up, but still within an affordable amount. I am usually able to save a few hundred pounds out of my £500 per month.
I am a problem solver, so when he suggested he was struggling my instinct was to find a solution. I don’t know how much he spends on weed, but given we don’t go out much I am guessing it’s the difference between being left with £100-£200 a month and him being left with nothing. I suggested to him that maybe he could cut back and wondered if the chill out it provided was worth the anxiety of having no money. He said I don’t know what I’m talking about, have zero empathy and that he opened up about his fears of the future and told him it was his own fault. Wasn’t my intention at all. I guess he just wanted a grumble/rant rather than a solution, which is fine, sometimes that’s all we need. I got it wrong clearly.
We have quite a lot of away weddings and things to pay for this summer, all of which we’ve known about for over a year. I have savings to cover my share but he doesn’t. This is causing him a lot of stress too.
We’ve been at breaking point before, very recently. I suggested counselling which he agreed to loosely but then once things seemed OK again he suddenly said we don’t need it.
He’s prone to anxiety/depression but insists he doesn’t need any medication. I had mild PND after our second child and found taking ADs pretty transformative. When he gets like this he can lose patience with the kids really quickly and if he’s alone with them while I’m having my “lie in” or doing something elsewhere then I often find him trying to put them down for a nap much earlier than necessary because it’s proving too much for him.
I haven’t even started on the mental load stuff, the sorting out every single bill and house and child related thing, including pretty much a full house renovation without the slightest bit of interest/input from him.
Can anyone help? I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Reassurance that the weed isn’t slowly killing our relationship and that it’s worth fighting for? Help on how to fix it? I don’t know. I’m going to contact a counsellor tonight. Either together or maybe just for me.