What can I say to my friend?

[D0lphine]

A friend of mine is 31, and has been in a relationship with her bf for 5 years. He is 42.

Essentially, he won't commit to her - he won't buy a house or discuss kids or marriage. She sadly can't have kids herself, so she would like to adopt. Whilst biological clock isn't necessarily a massive issue, as she has plenty of time to adopt, she does want to get on with life.

Obviously this guy isn't going to commit to her. I've told her he isn't going to commit and she needs to leave.

Just wondering if there is anything else I can say to her? How else can I support her? She talks to me about it pretty often, about once per month. It's the same convo we have. I feel like there is nothing more I can say... I know I can't fix it.

For what it's worth she has a lot to offer. Very kind and generous, smart, attractive, great job, lovely home and good relationships with friends and family.

I'm sure some of you wise Mumsnetters will have been in a similar situation and will have some words of wisdom for me (or her!).

He's 42 and they've been together 5 years, that's more than long enough to wait to progress the relationship, if he wanted to, he would, x,y and z are excuses.

You've been honest enough with her, unfortunately it has to be her decision to leave.

Honestly if you're having the same conversation over and over again and she won't listen, I'd just tell her you're not going to go over it again and change the subject.

You can't save her from this guy, if you've pointed out that he's unkind and uncommitted but is leeching away the best years of her life - what more can you do? So I'd just save your own sanity, tell her "sorry love we've been having this same chat for X years and you know what I think about it" and move on. Sometimes this approach has actually helped a friend realise that they've been stuck for a long time and it's only them that can change it.

I could say "we have had this chat and you know my views" but then is that really unsupportive? Maybe she needs someone to talk to?

I don't know.

Is it supportive to give her a chance to vent, feel better and then continue with the relationship though? I realise I sound unsympathetic but I have friends in these kind of situations and honestly I realise with some of them I may as well save my breath to cool my porridge.

@EnterACloud Glad it's not just my friends. Tricky isn't it?

Something along the lines of - I dont know what else to add to what I have already said but am sorry you feel this way.

I would say 'where do you see your life in 15 years time if you are in the same place as now? Which is likely, do you think you will regret not adopting a child or getting married or be cool with it?'

That way it is supportive but in a very relaxed way, and will allow her to explore her decisions.

If after these kinds of conversations and she still stays, the next time she complains about her situation I would say she has explored her decision thoroughly many times before has anything changed since then? It will be a quick no, or she may actually decide to leave him.

It IS up to her op. You can't guide or push her, she might be happy with him in al other ways and some couples remain happily unmarried and without children for decades. She has time on her side if she doesn't need to worry about her biological clock.

Yes it's shit!

One of them did thankfully dump the timewaster and said afterwards that some of our chats had helped.

One of them continues to make absolutely abominable life choices (married men) and I've given up talking to her about her personal life as honestly I just get angry and have distanced myself.

A few are perennially single for what seem like quite obvious reasons (e.g. don't go out and meet people or date at all) and I'll still talk to them about this if they want because I feel they genuinely need support with their confidence etc and maybe they'll eventually make changes.