I don't know what to do

[sunflowerhappiness]

I've been a lurker on here for years and have posted a few times under different usernames but have name changed to be on the safe side.

It feels like my life is imploding at the moment and I don't know what to do. I have been with my DH for over 20 years and we have had so many ups and downs, I don't know where to start. We are both strong willed and quite stubborn characters who like our own way which has lead to clashes over the years. My main gripes are what I read on here daily. I don't feel supported in any way, I carry most of the burden of family life and organisation and DH feels like the term I've read on here a lot recently, a passenger in our lives together. I do most of the work around the house and childcare on top of having a stressful job while he sits and watches me struggle. I've warned him a few times that I need help but other than the odd school run or putting the dishwasher on, he is content to let me get on with it. I'm exhausted.

A few weeks ago we hit crunch point. We had a disagreement that turned nasty and he was physically aggressive. He didn't hit me, he stopped just short but he scared me and he has done this before. This time was different as it was in front of our junior school aged child who went into school and quite rightly told a teacher. I had to speak to a safeguarding teacher and although she was very nice and supportive, it was humiliating. It's not what I want for my child.

I took DC away for a while to get some space and when we returned, within 4 hours there was another confrontation where DH ended up throwing something across the room. I told him to leave and he has gone to his parents. I'm gutted and I don't know where to go from here. He is devastated, doesn't understand what's happening and wants to talk about it. I'm so upset that I can't talk to him at the moment and I fear for our future. I have felt unsupported and undervalued for such a long time that I am full of resentment and I feel like it's poisoning me from the inside.

Is there any way back from this or should I just face up to the fact that my marriage is beyond saving? He says he loves me but there isn't much in what he does that shows me that he loves me. I do love him but I couldn't tell you why at the moment.

Any advice gratefully received

What else does he do that makes you feel he loves you, apart from just saying he loves you? It sounds like he is abusive and if you really give it some thought, I bet there are other examples that have made you unhappy and you've just brushed it under the carpet. He has been violent and threatening to you in front of your child, sadly I don't see any way back from that. I understand, I've been in the same position as you and I'm still in the middle of trying to break free whilst he begs for another chance. I found reading up on trauma bonding helpful and really identified with a lot of it.

He's not devastated that he scared and abused you, he is devastated that it's no longer working to control you and keep you a subservient little maid.

Cut contact with him to the minimum and go and see a solicitor about divorce.

He is a bully. No child should have to witness a man bully their mother. Keep him gone.

This is the beginning of the rest of your life. Away from a cruel man who, if you let him back, may kill you. Yes. Kill. If he hits things around you, he will hit you. It's all about intimidating you. He is not abusive because he is angry or losing control. He is angry because he is abusive and wishes to show you who is boss.

So no, he is not distraught. He is acting. All part of the same act to control, manipulate, abuse and use you.

Keep him gone. start divorce proceedings. And if he threatens you or makes you feel at risk or harassed again in any way shape or form - call the police.

Oh qnd FYI, just because you are stubborn and can 'hold your own' does not mean you are not being abused. Plenty of victims fight back. It doesn't mean the abuse against them is OK.

He ain’t devastated his lost you, his devastated that his got to try and find someone else to do everything for him and in the meantime do it himself. His nice and easy life as come to an abrupt end and he is too lazy to handle it.

He says he loves you to manipulate you into staying.

It's up to you whether it works or not.

I think the children are the main priority here, they were frightened enough to inform school and as soon as he got home he displayed another act of aggression. If he returns home now, how do you know things won't escalate further?

He's already had his final chance.

After school called you in for a SAFEGUARDING meeting, you allowed him back and he couldn't even hold himself back from becoming in aggressive again then. There is no chance this will get better and every chance it will get worse, indeed if school are on the ball they will be referring onto SS once the children report he's back.

To protect them (and be seen to protect them) this has to be the end of your marriage.
Use that to drive and force yourself to do the hard stuff now. Within a few months I suspect you'll feel free and better than ever.

Thank you so much for your responses. However difficult they are to read, I know I have to keep reading them and face up to facts. I know there's no excusing aggression, especially in front of children, but it's really difficult to see DH as that kind of man. We have been together over half our lives and although it hasn't always been easy, there have been many, many good times. I do feel like there is still love there on my side and his sorrow does seem genuine but I understand what you're all saying. It's just difficult, I don't know how I move forward. I know that sounds pathetic but I feel like my world is falling apart.

I think it’s best you break up. The situation is escalating, you need to prevent these situations happening.
You’ve said the relationship killer word - resentment - and there’s no coming back from that.
‘The fact is that he won’t change, you’ve tried and it doesn’t happen. Yes, you still have love for him, but that’s because you want the situation to change and be the fairy tale that it was. But it won’t be.

DH has been living away from the house for almost 3 weeks now and although it has been difficult, I know that I need to end the marriage. Does anyone have any words of advice or a hand to hold to get me through this please? I know in my heart and my head that it has to end but it's so hard. How do I keep my resolve and not crumble when we sit down to talk about what happens next?

I know it’s not an option for everybody, but I went to a therapist who validated my feelings. I seemed to change my mindset from “is it my fault?” To “it is not my fault”

That really really made the difference for me.

You don't need to sit down and talk about what happens next. What happens next is divorce. You don't need to see him. You can send a letter, or an email, or a text:

"I'm getting in touch because I want a divorce and you'll be hearing from my solicitors. Please don't contact me directly as I won't respond."

He is devastated, doesn't understand what's happening and wants to talk about it

He understands exactly what's happening, the fucking nasty dickhead.

He wants to talk to you so he can talk you round. He's escalating. He's using physical violence to get you in line. Take this opportunity that your very very brave child has given you, and use it to make changes so that he/she is not growing up in a house where they are witnessing their father terrorise their mother.

If you don't protect your child you run the risk of them being taken away from you. What if they have a cause to go in and report it again? Stay strong, get rid of him.

He is devastated, doesn't understand what's happening and wants to talk about it

Bollox is he devastated. He's been an abusive, lazy bully for years and he knows the gig is up. So he's trying to wheedle and reel you back in.

DO NOT FALL FOR IT

Your life and your DC's life will be so much calmer and more pleasant without having to tiptoe around him. You were doing all the work anyway, you'll probably find it much easier without having to look after him too.

I know it's all raw and sore at the moment, but I promise you it will get better and you have done the right thing.

You don't need to sit down and talk to him. Don't give him the chance to talk you round. He could beg forgiveness forever, but it doesn't negate the fact that he's raised his hands to you, your child saw it and was scared enough to report it.

My advice is tell someone in real life what's happened, every bit of it, and if you have to see that evil bastard face to face, get that person to be there with you to help you stay strong.

You've kept him out for 3 weeks. That's amazing, and a really great step forward. If you let him back in now, you will be back to square one. Actually worse than square one, because he will know you don't mean it when you end things. If you feel like letting him back, picture your little child's face and what it must have taken for them to report it to their teacher. Brave little one.

Have you spoken to a solicitor to get the ball rolling on the divorce? That's the next step. Gather all documents and financial information so you are prepared.

You fix the image of your child firmly in your head and remember it's not about what you or he wants. It's what your child needs. Your kid doesn't deserve to put up with this.

No need to talk with him again. Just see your solicitor and get the divorce rolling. You don't owe him any more conversation. He'd only take it as an opportunity to fuck with your head again.

Well done so far op! Good on you for getting him gone and keeping him gone.

Be wary though, once he realises you mean it, he may try to disregard you and simply reenter the property if his name is on it at all. So if you rent and he is on the leave then I advise you move ASAP. And if its joint owned, get it sold.

lease