Divorce - the memories are torture

[brassbronzegold]

I have been cursed blessed with a very clear and vivid long-term memory. My husband left me after Christmas and since making his decision has fallen out of love with me overnight. He has moved on, is doing well at work, thriving socially etc, and had not given me so much as a backward glance despite spending over a decade together. Right up until 24 hours before he left me he was still sending me messages telling me he loved me. I desperately wanted our marriage to work and to reconcile, and the pain when he ended things was like a physical stab to the heart.

I can't seem to forget. I remember every sweet text he ever sent me, every thoughtful birthday gift, every cuddle in the kitchen. Every silly dash to the local garage to grab my favourite chocolate bar just because I mentioned fancying one. Every happy holiday and weekend away spent exploring a new city together. Every silly in-joke, every moment from our wedding, every Sunday evening ritual of a pre-dinner drink and snacks.

My memories are not rose-tinted or fabricated. They are all there, backed up with loving texts and photographs on my phone. He himself admitted that our daily interactions have always been incredibly loving, even towards the end.

I know the reasons for our marriage ending are valid. But I can't escape the pain. It follows me around everywhere and I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I loved him. I can't imagine ever feeling loved again, either.

It's like some sadistic Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind thing. I just want someone to come and erase my memory so I don't have to keep replaying it.

When will the pain go away?

Your husband sounds like a good man, and probably still loves and respects you even though he's no longer 'in love'. I expect he wants you to be happy post divorce, too. Were you together for many years? Any children?

It must be very hard for you at the moment but things will get easier. It's only been six months. Try to spend time seeing friends, doing hobbies, concentrating on work to distract yourself. Sorry that you're going through this.

Hi OP, I felt exactly the same, and him leaving seems to be the same circumstance as your H... just didn't love me anymore.

I posted on MN and was told 'there'll be someone else' I was adamant those wise MNetters were wrong, he wasn't like that. But of course, they were right.

From my experience, I can tell you it takes a long time for the pain to go away, I still feel it regularly 3 years later, albeit less consuming.

I still don't feel like I could ever find that kind of love again, I haven't been on so much as a date. I know I'm stronger now and can be happy on my own.

I wish you all the very best in your future, you are strong and you can do this 💪🏽

You can't forget because the brain processes memories in different ways. What were happy memories have become traumatic.

Talking therapies can help you to shift these memories, so that they eventually become less painful. It helped my sister greatly following her similarly hurtful divorce.

In the kindest way, you're torturing yourself.

Distract yourself.

I was the same when I split up with my ex it probably took me a good 2 to 3 years to properly get over things. I’m watching my SIL go through it now, she’s still struggling two years later. But you will get through it and move on. Within five years I was very happily married to someone else (still am 17 years later!). Your husband had much longer to come to terms with it so it’s not as raw for him. That’s why he’s moved on so easily. Be kind to yourself. Try to do something for yourself- a new class or hobby, decorate a room etc. To give yourself a new focus.

It sounds like your husband leaving came totally out of the blue. That’s a massive trauma for you. I didn’t see the end of my 10 yr relationship coming, and dealing with it has easily been the most traumatic thing I have gone through. People find it really hard to understand just how painful it is when your partner leaves. The expectation is that you will dust yourself off and start again.
But like you, I have many happy memories which pop into my mind everyday and everything seems to remind me of him - I often think of the same film (Eternal Sunshine) and how I wish I could erase them all. I have cut contact with him (since he told me his GF was pregnant) and so have had no contact for about 10 months, but still it hasn’t solved the problem.
Sorry I’m probably not helping by saying that I’m still feeling the pain 3 yrs on, but at least know you are not alone. Speaking to someone/counselling could help?