Help me stop beings So resentful.

[Whynow65]

So, I’ve always been a glass half full, put on my big girl pants and get on with it sort of person. But just lately I’ve got so resentful and frankly exhausted by my life!
im A 57 divorced mum of 3 adult kids. My 2 eldest kids have their lives together and my youngest is getting there but still lives at home.
I’ve a lot of friends who are 5-10 years older than me … most still with their husbands and most have been able to retire at 55ish, and are now ‘living the dream’ , travelling and free to enjoy hobbies and lazy lunches. All of my 3 elder siblings retired early too. I, on the other hand am still working full time with no prospect in the current economic climate of any retirement -ever!! And possibly faced with taking on more hours/a second job just to live.
I’m just so exhausted and tired , trying to juggle work, elderly parents and home life with sleepless nights about how I’m going to afford the bills. I look around my house and see maintenance that needs doing, an overgrown garden I have no time to tackle and ‘stuff’ to do piling up.
And I can see no end to it…. I’ve spent my whole working life working for the NHS. I always imagined I’d retire with a pension big enough to live on. My wages are lower now in real terms than they’ve ever been. I work in the community needing to use my car and petrol increases have not been matched by fuel allowance. My fuel allowance hasn’t risen in 7 years! I’m now subsidising work with fuel and I will struggle to afford the increases in electricity etc at home to the point I probably won’t be able to put the heating on this winter.
I keep trying to tell myself that compared to others I’m lucky but I am struggling to feel lucky atm! I’m just tired!!
someone help me see a way forwards.
I just want to be back to being the positive person I once was!

First of all tell the X3 retired siblings to do the bulk work with your elderly parents. Sorry can't work. Should do it.

frozendaisy
unfortunately one lives abroad, one has mental health issues and does et leave the house often, the other lives 70 miles away but does what he can when he can. I’m the one who stayed close by and is always the one on call! I do plan to say I need more help though!

I get you with regards to the NHS fuel, I am also community and it is horrific. It doesnt help that they have messed up my wages since Jan and I am now £600 down. At the next pay day I am going to say I am not able to afford fuel and therefore cannot come into work until they have paid me correctly. If you have been NHS for many years and you are past 55 can you draw your pension now and retire and return? Many of my colleagues are dropping to part time on the same pay with their pension added in - I am sure you have looked into it already but if not it may be worth considering? Are you full time and working 5 days? Could you condense your working hours? I do 3 long days and it has saved my sanity.

It is very hard at the minute with the cost of living rises and I really do understand.

bored
its horrendous isn’t it? I too have thought about declining to use my car but it’s in my contract!
I can’t retire and return as when I took a promotion they moved me onto the new pension scheme (without telling me) so my new retirement age is 60. But I am looking into retire and return then. But after 40 years service I was actually hoping to just retire!! But with the increased cost of living that’s not going to be possible now!
I feel too old to do my job some days! I already work 4 long days rather than 5 days so no flexibility there’s sadly!
I just feel so exhausted! and skint!!

I haven't got anything sensible to say right this minute, except that I hear you.

Yes, I have a diesel car and its 1.80 a litre around here, I have a 90 mile round commute plus they have just redesigned my role so I now travel city wide instead of a small patch - its a disgrace and I cannot believe we have not been given a rise. I was also stung with the last pay rise as it pushed me up into the next pension bracket going from 9.5% to 12.5% so I am now worse off, that with the NI rise is just a bloody farce.

bored I’m with you all the way! I had an increment rise in April that I’ve had to wait 3 years for (used to be an annual rise)
by the time I paid more pension,tax and national insurance I earnt less than I’d earnt in March!
our wages have never been great but now they’re just a joke!
still never mind at least everyone clapped for us!! 🤦‍♀️

OP have you challenged the terms of your pension mainly the transfer?
I would have suggested taking your pension and doing bank nursing.
You need advice. It just might be wrong!
Are you a union member?
I bit the bullet and retired early at 58 as the house state was causing depression as was the complete exhaustion and hamster wheel and when both DC's were earning enough to contribute. I've never looked back.

monty I didn’t challenge the pension as I always intended to work until I was 60 anyway. But I may challenge this now!

I just feel so exhausted with it all! I love my job but every day I feel more and more resentful that I have so little time for myself. ☹️

OP get some advice from a staff pensions person or a trade union rep. Or even HR. It could make such a difference.
How old are DC's?

monty I will definitely be getting pension advice.
my DC are 30,28 and 24. Only 24 year old still living at home. But she’s gradually getting her adulting together.
TBH it’s not my DC that are the problem here. It’s my exhausting work/life balance and the worry of increasing bills etc and me resenting my retired friends and family who seem to have managed to escape the treadmill whilst it feels like I have no prospect of ever being able to!

Does your 24 yr old work/contribute to the house in terms of money/chores?

Could you sell the house you are in and move to a smaller newer house with lower mortgage/maintenance requirements? We just did and I'm planning to go smaller once the remaining teens have flown the nest in 5-8 years.

squareframe
yes she contributes financially and in helping to keep house clean and tidy.
ruralbliss my plan is ultimately to downsize. I just need the time and head space to sort stuff out to get the house on the market! Feels completely overwhelming at the moment!

Can you take in a lodger? You can get around £7.5k a year tax free.

I have considered a lodger. But I feel too old to live in a shared house! I just wanted to retire peacefully and enjoy my life rather than feel constantly exhausted, physically and emotionally!

RCN and UNISON both campaigning for an immediate rise in the mileage allowance. Work on things you can control. The more control,the less helplessness and resentment.

Look for cheaper to run flat now. In a way, major downsizing is easy as it boils down to listing the minimum you need and have room for . Everything else has to go. It's like packing a suitcase for your holiday. You can write the list while lying on the couch sipping tea.

10 minutes a day working on your stuff -to-do list. You don't need to do the whole 10 minutes at once. e.g. I keep secateurs and gardening gloves in my handbag. Spend 2 minutes en route to car pruning and pulling weeds,3 minutes on return. Longer at weekends.

Spend another uninterrupted 10 minutes a day revising the to do list. When you're so busy and stressed, the more you can work off a written, strictly timetabled ,list and do on autopilot the better.

If the elder care includes cleaning/housekeeping chores - stop these. They need to get Attendance Allowance and hired help.

Finally,any chance of going back to 5 days a week. At 57,most people would be shattered by compressing your job to 4 days. The exhaustion just keeps rolling over to your days off too. 4 day weeks also bring the psychological pressure of feeling stressed about not achieving more on the "extra" day off.

Dinah
Thanks. Some great ideas here! You’re right about feeling overwhelmed so achieving nothing! And feeling too exhausted on my extra day off to be productive!
You made me remember when I had young children I had a mantra in my head of … ‘if I achieve nothing else today , I will’ …. And then insert, hoover one room, do the ironing, change a bed etc.
I’d forgotten this and I am completely over whelmed by everything!
This is just the advice I need… something to help me feel positive again. I just feel I’ve lost my way a little.
I look at my XH with the OW in their together lives retired and travelling and feel so resentful which is so unlike me! We split years ago and I haven’t given them a second thought for years… I thought I was becoming bitter in my old age!!

Fuel allowance won’t go above 45p a mile because if it did, it would become taxable. There are people doing similar jobs who dream of 45p a mile.

I hear you!

a few practical suggestions-

Could you change jobs but still within the NHS, so that you don’t need to spend lots of money on petrol?

Also I’d definitely get your DD to help with the garden. Set aside a weekend where you work together just to tidy it up. Then work on another project the following month?