Together 19 years, married that last 10. I thought him a decent, reliable guy. We are both 53.
In the last few years, the way in which he speaks to me has declined. In the last 6 months, its got to the stage that its bothering me quite a lot. Last night for instance. He works an hour and 15 minutes drive away but only goes in to the office 3 days per week, and we own a rental property which is let out to students. The students aren't there at the moment but are still paying, and he has taken to staying in the rental property to save him coming back here the days he is in the office in the last few weeks. I am not happy with this.
So last night I asked him his plans for the week, because he changes his days for the office quite a lot, and he just exploded at me. Not really bad but raised voice and immediately launching into that accusatory monologue that he has tended to do off late. Apparently I am "questioning him on his plans" and he has already told me and I am making him repeat it. So then I was a bit upset and said so and he started using this odd little voice like a schoolboy and repeated the days he would be in and what he was doing without pausing for breath, on and on. So then I shouted back at him that he was being awful and he started repeating them again, with another type of monologue, every sentence beginning with "And then I shall", "On Tuesday I shall", etc.. At this point I started recording him on my mobile phone (I told him I was) and it sounds really, really odd.
He has these explosions about 3 times per day. Every single day. He goes on and on and on accusing me of treating him unfairly. Anyway, it turned out that he is having dinner with 3 ex workmates and he is not coming back on the 3rd day either this week as he wants to have a drink. Now one of these former workmates is a woman and I'm not sure what to think. She is Spanish, and at one point a few years ago we had a near break up and he took up Spanish lessons. She is married, I've met her and her husband once and they seem very nice. But the story I was told about the dinner was that he was meeting ONE former work colleague, not 3 and not this woman. So he has lied to me.
No doubt this will be my fault too, for some multitude of reasons. But he has now lied to me and that makes me feel quite different. I've also had the previous near break up when he really upset me and I'm beginning to feel enough is enough.
He doesn't seem to like me very much. He can go to dinner with a group of workmates and/or this woman after work but he cannot come home. We both do a sport and he declined to come to sporting events I did on both bank holiday Friday and Saturday this weekend. He has dinner with his former workmates far more often that he takes me for dinner (to be fair I'm almost permanently on a strict diet to stay slim). Its quite new that I've felt this dissatisfied but the shouting is really getting to me. Its several times per day now and its the inconsistency. At times I feel like I'm being bullied in my own home. I said that to him and he started arguing with me for using the words "My own home". Apparently I should have said "our home".
It seems to be a trait his father shares. I'm no contact with his parents now because of the way they spoke to me.
I've tried to be nicer and have made a real effort as I can shout back - I don't instigate but I do defend myself. But its made no difference. In fact, if anything, its made him worse. He is just blowing up all the time now. If I dare ask him a normal question, it immediately blows up into an argument.
Financially, I have had a better career. I stepped back from my professional career somewhat to run a successful business but still work professionally from time to time (publish articles, am held in high esteem by colleagues). According to him and his family, this means I don't work for a living, although I make about 20k pa more than him. I make friends easily, he doesn't, he is awkward in social situations and he also tends to argue with complete strangers - a few weeks ago we were in an airport and he started arguing with security and being really arrogant about being asked to show his boarding pass and I honestly thought he was going to be pulled away and questioned. He also sometimes shouts at me in public and its quite embarrassing although sometimes I shout back and I think he does it deliberately to embarrass me. I'm not unattractive - one of his complaints about me was that I was "too good looking and too intelligent"...If we do do anything together, he makes me late for absolutely everything. We nearly missed a flight a few weeks ago. If I try and get him to hurry, he just shouts at me. Its always all my fault that he is upset.
I don't know whether its better sticking or going at my age. Do the benefits of staying with him outweigh the detriments? He's not terrible, we have some good conversations (although not lately) but he can be incredibly arrogant and dismissive if I speak to him at the wrong moment. It might be that he is stressed by all the travelling with his job but its only 3 days a week. We are in a good enough financial position for him to retire in 3 years time and he does help me in the business somewhat.
I'm very reluctant to use marriage guidance as we had relationship counselling previously after his previous episode and it was a nightmare of me basically being told to cook more and run around after him more making sure he was happy, and left me feeling terrible. I just cannot be bothered with it at this stage in my life.
I made him aware of how I felt like night and he gaslighted me. Well, he accused me of "just making up things he isn't". He has the day off work today and has disappeared, and I have no bloody idea where he is.