Messed up big time

[mubt]

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do.

I split from my husband 6 months ago for the 2nd time. We sold our house and I moved into rented, he bought himself a new place. DD stayed with me.

We had been back together for 2 years living in a lovely house we'd bought together in a really nice area. But we never seemed to resolve our problems from the first time that we split and we seemed to just be living together in the same house, not living as a married couple.

But I still miss him now and I don't know why. DD tells me every night that she misses him and our old house and old friends. I've had to move her schools twice this school year to try and get work and find childcare, but I've been so stressed by it all, that I've had to now stop working. I'm looking for work again, but again, can't find childcare to fit around her school.

I keep thinking back to what we had together and thinking that even if there wasn't much of a relationship between us, at least DD must have felt secure having us both together in her own home and having some friends nearby. She seems to really hate her school and tells me that she doesn't have any friends there.

I look at her now and feel like I've messed up her life for her, just because I wanted to sort things out and get out of a marriage that I felt wasn't working.

Now he's found out that he's being made redundant and has informed me that he's going to be moving abroad as there is nothing to keep him here anymore. He says I can bring DD out to visit him in the school holidays. I think she will explode when she finds this out.

He also pointed out that whilst everything may be fine now with him visiting DD every weekend at my house; he's sure that once I meet someone else (which he seems fairly convinced I will!), he'll just end up taking her to the park for a couple of hours every weekend, so whats the point of staying in this country just for 2 hours a week with his daughter, when he can see her for longer periods (school holidays) if he moves abroad?

I just feel that our lives are completely shattered and in pieces because I wasn't prepared to put up with the hypocrisy of being in a loveless marriage. But, I do still have feelings for him.

I just don't know what to do anymore. What ever I do just turns into a mess.

Do you think you'd feel the same if you were happy now?
Honestly?

I would imagine that a large part of your feeling you miss him is that you miss your old life, and they both went together so it's hard to seperate them iyswim.

Moving abroad IMO, is bloody selfish of him to do, his daughter needs him, whether you do or not.

I really don't know if I'd feel the same tbh.

All I know is that I feel responsible for messing up my daughter's life. I just keep thinking that if I'd just stomached being in the marriage as it was, she would at least be happy. Instead she's lost her home and dad and had to do two school moves.

I am really shocked that he's thinking of moving abroad. At first, I thought it was just a knee jerk reaction to being made redundant. However, he seems to have organised the whole thing in his mind (and rationalised it).

I also feel quite angry, because I'd thought quite a few times about emigrating to New Zealand or Australia to give DD a new start, but thought it wouldn't be fair on her relationship with him. But he's absolutely fine with just zooming off abroad on his own and leaving her.

This is a really common dilemma, even without the move abroad.

I sometimes think 5 years on from splitting, was it the right thing to do, or should i have made sure me n kids dad were both under same roof for the kids?
We were sleeping separate, no love between us, basically like flatmates that often wound each other up.

BUT it would have meant living a lie, one that the kids were a part of, with no role model for a loving decent relationship.

Sure, its hard being a sinle parent...but not as hard as living as we were, plus all that negativity really messes kids heads up too.

i agree with poster who said would you be thinking like this if you were happy now.

I just can't see any way ahead as we are now. It just feels like we're always living day-to-day. Me always looking for a job or childcare, living in rented accommodation, always wondering where its going to end. Now he's dropped this bombshell on us. How would I explain to her that he just wants to go and live abroad? She tells me every night that she wants us to get back together and go and live in our old house (which has been sold).

well, she needs you to be strong for her and tell her that all will be ok when things have settled down.

I would tell him to explain about moving abroad, but only once it is definite, its unfair to tell her if it isn't gonna happen.

It does not matter if you are renting, or have no job. Do you have enough money to live on (income support?)
if so, try to just take some time out to be there for daughter and stop pressuring yourself to find a job, somewhere else to live etc.Look after yourself, and your time will come

My lovely parents (both dead now) stayed together for the kids. It was the done thing in those days and parts. Resented and hated it so much as knew they were living a lie. No idea how things would have turned out otherwise but always think did their stress (from us girls)send them to an early grave. No advice but other posts very wise. Best of luck! x