He called me needy…

[pinksquids]

Been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We are looking to rent with each other soon.

The relationship begun as you would expect. He is very expressive and doesn’t shy away from his feelings, he tells me he loves me each day and we have always texted a lot as it suits us. However he used to text all the time, text funny things about his day, send pictures etc. Basically texting me out of the blue.

Now I feel he only replies to me and doesn’t initiate an awful lot anymore. He also disappears for ages now, a few hours maybe… I’ll never moan or anything but I might leave a few “helloooo” texts or something if we were in the middle of a conversation.

He says he is secure now and sometimes he likes his own space or leaves his phone in another room so that he can do his own thing.

But this was the same guy who, at the beginning, even I said he had to give me space sometimes because he always wanted to talk to me constantly. But now he’s the one saying my texts come across needy.

It really hurt… I am always supportive of him, I never moan when he sees friends or does his own thing, sometimes I will just leave a few texts if he is busy. So am I needy?

I think this is a natural progression in any relationship. At the beginning, when everything is new and exciting, and you’re desperate to learn everything about each other, and don’t see each other terribly often, regular text messaging is a key conduit for that. But it isn’t sustainable when there’s not much new to find out and there are only so many “how was your day?”-type text conversations you can have before it becomes tedious and a bit of a chore.

Rather than focus on how often he texts you, how is he with arranging or appearing eager to actually meet? How does he behave when you’re together - is he attentive or distant? You say that he’s expressive with his feelings in person and tells you he loves you: I’d say that’s much more of an indication of where the relationship is going than how many funny memes he sends or whether he responds to your “hellooo??” chasing texts for a conversation presumably not important enough to have in person.

Don’t move in with him yet if you are not sure of your relationship. Take you time to see if you are compatible beyond the first rush of attraction.

I know you are just planning to rent not get married but it’s always harder to leave the more ties you have.

You’ve posted this twice.

If regular catch ups are important to you, then it’s a good idea to tell him so and perhaps arrange a designated time every other day for a phonecall or a text message exchange. But on the other hand, I know how stifling I’d find it to feel committed to a phonecall or a text exchange at a particular time on a regular basis and to have to work the rest of my life around it even if it wasn’t convenient.

I might leave a few “helloooo” texts or something if we were in the middle of a conversation.

Sorry OP I say this with good intentions but I have a friend who does this and it drives me insane. It's very needy and sadly it makes me pull away and message her less despite how much I love her because it feels like a chore. I know a relationship is a different dynamic but I'd probably end a relationship with a partner who did this because I like my own space and to not always be glued to my phone. It would feel suffocating to me.

As others have said I think you need a really open and honest conversation about what you both want and need from a relationship in order to feel happy and secure. It goes both ways so it's about working out whether there's a (mutually) happy balance you can strike that satisfies your need for contact as well as his need for space. I don't know if that exists but you'll only find out by talking it through with him.

There's a difference between leaving a few texts when he's busy about general chatter and chasing a reply with 'hellloooo'

that is needy.....

you cannot expect the level of initial constant contact to go on forever , that's the honeymoon and your now moving to something serious.