He called me needy…

[pinksquids]

Been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We are looking to rent with each other soon.

The relationship begun as you would expect. He is very expressive and doesn’t shy away from his feelings, he tells me he loves me each day and we have always texted a lot as it suits us. However he used to text all the time, text funny things about his day, send pictures etc. Basically texting me out of the blue.

Now I feel he only replies to me and doesn’t initiate an awful lot anymore. He also disappears for ages now, a few hours maybe… I’ll never moan or anything but I might leave a few “helloooo” texts or something if we were in the middle of a conversation.

He says he is secure now and sometimes he likes his own space or leaves his phone in another room so that he can do his own thing.

But this was the same guy who, at the beginning, even I said he had to give me space sometimes because he always wanted to talk to me constantly. But now he’s the one saying my texts come across needy.

It really hurt… I am always supportive of him, I never moan when he sees friends or does his own thing, sometimes I will just leave a few texts if he is busy. So am I needy?

Honestly OP, you do sound needy - he doesn't respond for a few hours and you send a few texts going "hellooooo"?? It all sounds very teenage.

I think it is very, very normal for all that super intense constant communication to tail off as the relationship matures and gets more secure, my husband and I used to talk 24/7 when we first got together and now will barely text if we're apart.

How often do you actually see him, and what's he like then? That's the important thing.

Yep, you sound needy.

You've moved from new relationship to comfortable. Why the need for constant texting?

I'd say chasing up texts after a few hours is kind of needy - unless you were having a really in depth, time critical conversation that required replies, or you were worried about your boyfriend due to health etc, there really isn't any need to send more than one message. You've been together for a while now and it's not sustainable to be in constant contact when we all have lives, jobs, etc.

I have days where I could (if I wanted to) text friends all day, and other days where I hardly touch my phone at all due to work. Realistically, when someone is working they can't be attached to their phone - it could be that your boyfriend was willing to do this at the start (honeymoon phase) and that he's either recognised it's distracting or been reprimanded for not focusing on work.

I agree with PP in that it's his interactions with you when you're together that count too - how often do you see each other? Also, if you feel like he's just disappearing during the day mid conversation, could you ask him to maybe pre-empt this with a "Hey, just busy for the next few hours" or something? It sounds as if you have some slight anxiety issues about attachments, and if he's a decent guy and the relationship has legs, I'm sure he'd be willing to just give you the heads up if it's something you feel you'd benefit from.

I can see both sides. I agree with Mollicious that it's normal for things to settle a bit after the first flush, and if one party is ready for that 'settling' before the other you can find yourselves out of kilter for a bit. Look at the wider picture - is he otherwise thoughtful, caring, respectful, does he show you that you matter?

A few hours is not ages. It’s really not.

I think I just got used to him texting constantly (I recall having to ask for space once!) and it set the expectations high I guess. So it feels strange now it’s gone. He says it’s just because he feels more secure in us now.

In person he’s very affectionate, always giving me hugs etc and he’s genuinely never said a nasty word to me. He’s also asked me to move in so I know deep down things are fine but it’s just how to deal with the ‘neediness’ as I hate change!!

Thank you all for your honest inputs x

Yes, I would personally find texts every few hours a bit much after a year.. it’s very normal for that to reduce as the relationship settles.

I think the "helloooooo" texts and the fact that you've started two identical threads point to the fact that maybe you can be needy.

Yes, I'd find that needy too. He doesn't text you for a few hours -so what? Maybe he's working or asleep or driving or just left his phone in another room.

It sounds like the honeymoon period is waning and you are settling into a regular routine where you trust each other without continual reassurance. Just relax and get on with your day.

The two identical threads was clearly a mistake… my wifi was playing up and I can’t delete it

I was out yesterday and DH rang twice - really annoying!!

Just cut it down - Do you have nothing better to do?

A few hours and you text 'helloooo' is a bit needy imo.

Report the other one to MNHQ and they’ll delete it for you.

He wants you to move in together, so he's obviously invested in the relationship. Just not glued to his phone. Seems fine to me.

Agree with others that this is normal for the v volume to die down. Having said that, I do know couples who are almost constantly in contact because that's what works for both of them. I can't think of anything worse myself, but each to their own. And if you are that kind of person, then perhaps this isn't the relationship for you.

Now I feel he only replies to me and doesn’t initiate an awful lot anymore. He also disappears for ages now, a few hours maybe…

Sorry, but not being able to survive a few hours without a text or other message from him is beyond needy. You need to dial it back or you will smother him, and then he'll possibly reconsider your future together.

Does he have a job?

Not everyone is glued to their phones.

I don't ring or text
My partner unless I had something important to tell him

Yep very needy

I think you need to let go of the expectation of texting constantly. As others have said, a few hours is not a long time at all and if this relationship goes the distance and you end up together forever, honestly? You would run out of things to say to each other very quickly talking constantly and it would become stale.

Thank you all

There's no 'correct' level of neediness. If you're too needy for him, that's fine. It doesn't mean you're too needy. It just means that this relationship is creating a situation where you have to try to get your needs met, rather than it coming naturally.

It's not very loving of him to say this to you. If he's finding you too needy, there's plenty of other ways he could have approached the topic, and almost all of them are more caring than accusing you of being too needy.

He’s always said it in a loving way and he said they come across needy, not necessarily that I am needy. I’ve definitely realised that I was expecting too much

But hold on, you said 'if you were in the middle of a convo' you'd then say 'hellooo?' Like he just dissappears mid convo for hours? I would find that odd myself. Does he explain why he suddenly went awol mid chat?

Also going from texting constantly to then barely initiating within a year is odd to me also. Personally I dont think you're needy. Hes gone from having one style of communication to an entirely different one.

Sure texting dies down a little but I've been with my fella for almost 2 years and while its not quite the heated frenzy it was in the beginning we initiate texts about 50/50 and he doesnt dissappear mid chat for hours. If I couldn't get in touch with him for hours id assume it was work but he will typically come back and say 'sorry I had to do X' rather than 'youre so needy' as a pp said, thats not a loving way to communicate.

You can at the very least request that if he's going to go awol mid chat for hours he just gives you a heads up. 'Sorry, have to go'. How hard is that really?