Sick of husband belittling my insomnia

[RumHam]

I've struggled with insomnia all my life due to MH and physical health conditions and its only gotten worse as I've got older especially in the last year after losing my dad suddenly and developing Psoriatic Arthritis. My husband is one of those lucky pricks that can fall asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow even if its broad daylight, or if he's just had a can of energy drink, or he is in pain, even when there's a bloody loud airshow going on near our flat - he can sleep any time, anywhere, through any noise. Its also his default setting in life - bored? Go to sleep. Don't want to argue any more? Go to sleep? Just lost a loved one? Go to sleep.

He can't for the life of him understand insomnia. Even when he has seen me looking like a zombie after not sleeping for days and after seeing me take painkillers to try and knock myself out, listen to relaxing sounds and music, pace the floor to try and tire myself out, even being on the line to the crisis team because its made me suicidal at times - all I get from him is "you don't try hard enough to sleep! You just have to shut your eyes for long enough and you will sleep!". He even says this after seeing me trying to do that for at least 5 hours!

The worst is when he says that insomnia is a made up condition/symptom. He says because sleep is the most natural thing in the world and your body is programmed to do it, insomnia doesn't exist and people who have it just don't try hard enough to sleep! I said that breathing is just as natural but some people can't breathe easily with certain conditions and his reply? "those conditions actually exist though"

He can be so very black and white - because he can always sleep fine, everyone else in the world should be able to. Just because he hasn't experienced an illness or heard of it, then it either doesn't exist or it cant be that bad. He has never had a panic attack or MH issues but is great at supporting me with them which I think is maybe because he has never felt panic, but he has felt anxiety before.

I've tried to rationally and calmly talk to him about my insomnia but he just doesn't get it and starts up with the 'don't try hard enough' and lectures like that. What hurts most is, if he misses out on just 5 mins of sleep from his usual 8 hours because say someone calls him or something outside wakes him up - he goes in a huff for the rest of the day with everyone, not just whoever/whatever woke him up but when I go days without good sleep or even any sleep, I get told that I am ok because I am used to it and its self inflicted because again, I don't try hard enough.

Can anyone else relate?

He's a bully. What is positive about him?

He is great with my physical conditions like arthritis. I think he is too caught up a lot of the time on 'seeing is believing'. He can see my joints are swollen and can't walk or do this or that so he understands that its a struggle and I need help but with things are more mental like insomnia, he has a harder time grasping it but like I said, he is great with helping with panic attacks, grief, CPTSD but he can't get his head around insomnia. I feel like banging my head off a brick wall trying to explain it to him

He's a fuckwit.

Buy an air horn.

Wait until he goes to sleep.

Blast it to wake him up.

Do it repeatedly before he goes back to sleep.

Tell him he's "not trying hard enough" when he can't get back to sleep.

I couldn't live with someone who doesn't sympathise with insomnia. No matter what their redeeming qualities.

Insomnia is a great punishment, only those that suffer it can truly know.

My DH is similar to yours and can sleep off easily. But he understands when I say I get disturbed easily, or I need a lie in because I've been awake at night, or that I can't do anything with the kids because I haven't slept. That's important to me and the only thing that keeps me sane after a bad night.

Can you find any online or printed articles that explain how debilitating insomnia is? Something authoritative and scientific written by a doctor? Some statistics of how common insomnia is. Anything that points to why/if it’s more common in women.

I suffered dreadful insomnia after my daughter was born. I’d spend all night awake only to fall asleep about 5am, and my daughter would be awake at 6am. I heard a throwaway comment by a doctor on radio 4 about after birth hormones causing insomnia. I used to use Nytol. Post menopause I regularly have sleeping(not sleeping) problems.

Do you share a bed? I used to wake most mornings with a headache, but since we’ve not shared a bed I only rarely get headaches. I think it was because I had such disturbed sleep with him next to me.

I really feel for you. I think some people are just missing the empathy gene. If they don’t suffer/experience it themselves, then it doesn’t exist.

you don't try hard enough to sleep!

insomnia doesn't exist

What an unsympathetic twat, Sorry, lovely. But he'd be under the patio at my house by now.

I have had insomnia for years. Either the heebie-jeebies when you wake up at 3am with your brain whining or not being able to get to sleep in the first place.

It's awful and soul-destroying. I've tried sleepy-calming drinks, short bouts of sleeping tablets (don't want to get hooked on them but after a couple of traumatic losses it helped for a bit), yoga, breathing exercises... nothing helps.

Now I just stick an earphone in and listen to podcasts or audiobooks. And try and suffer on.

My partner also falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. But... he is also sympathetic and doesn't mind if I get up in the middle of the night to make a drink or read a book. I worry about disturbing his sleep as he drives for a living so need to be away and aware. But we also don't live together so he can catch up on a lip on nights we don't see each other.

it doesn't sound as if your partner needs to catch up on kip. But he does need a serious attitude change.

Is a seperate bedroom a possibility for you? I"m thinking about your comfort. Not his...

Sorry, terrible typos! Didn't sleep much last night.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It's nice to have some friendly shoulders to turn to when it comes to insomnia. No one in my family or husband suffers from it.

No, I don't have a spare room to sleep in. We live in an one bedroom flat. If we had more rooms I definitely would consider sleeping alone when my insomnia is at its worst.

I've tried showing him articles online and self help books I've been reading about insomnia but he just doesn't get it - he either can't fathom it or he's just being ignorant, its hard to tell.

This morning was a bad one with his lecturing. I didn't sleep well last night - it was too hot, mind wouldn't shut up, I was restless etc and then the gas man came to do the safety check at 9am and all the banging from that and then testing the alarms fully woke me up so I decided to just get up and all I got from my husband was "you've not nothing on today, just go back to sleep for a few hours" and when I told him if I sleep in til 1/2/3pm, then I wont sleep tonight. I'm better to just get up now, grin and bear the tiredness and hopefully sleep early and well tonight and I got - "I can sleep until that time and then still sleep at night. You wont even try sleeping, you give up too easily"

"I can sleep until that time and then still sleep at night. You wont even try sleeping, you give up too easily"

OMG. He is being SO ignorant. And rude. And unsympathetic.

I've even had a course on 'sleep hygiene' while having therapy (it's all about the lights out, no screens, wind down, warm milk stuff which makes no difference anyway). But google it via NHS as you can download stuff.

Have you sought advice from your GP? Just because it didn't work for me doesn't mean it won't work for you. But mind you, I'd be lying next to him tonight being furious for his uncaring attitude anyway!

There is no such thing as 'not trying' to go to sleep. Yes, I sometimes deep breathe to see if it helps me drop off. But then again I was wide awake at 5am this morning anyway. Then I get comfy and sleep again just before the alarm goes off at 7am...

You have my sympathy!

Hi, hope you are ok. I have been an insomniac for 20 years since I lost my Mum, it has ruined most of my life and certainly my career, I don’t think I will ever be free from it but I do have good and bad periods. My husband is quite sympathetic but he does say to me “just switch off!” “Relax” which of course is impossible when you have been awake for hours on end. Just wanted to say you are not alone with the insomnia. I have tried every miracle cure going and none have worked but drinking cherry juice seems to help as did scrambled eggs for supper oh and very dark chocolate - the good stuff!

He is either a bit thick (sorry I don't know how to say that more politely), really arrogant (from the 'if I don't suffer with it and I can't see it, it doesn't exist school) or deliberately goading you. If this was something new that you were still trying to get your heads around, I'd find his ignorance more forgiveable, but you've suffered for years and he's seen you suffer, so he's basically saying that you've been lying / exagerating all these years. I can see why you are sick of it.

Childish suggestion I know, but have you tried reversing it when he's suffering, just to make the point?... Him - 'I've got a thumping headache'. You - 'You haven't really. You just need to get rid of it. Headaches don't really exist'.