Feel suffocated by needy DH

[alltheprettythings]

Title says it all really. I feel utterly suffocated my my husbands need for attention and constant - I guess for want of a better word - love bombing. LTR of nearly 30 years, 2 DC in teens (uni and 6th form). It starts from first thing in the morning - as soon as we are sat in bed having a cup of tea he will say things like "I'm not getting and fuss or love this morning" - what he actually wants me to do is to kiss him, stroke his head and shoulders. Constantly tells me I am beautiful, the best thing that has ever happened to him, wonderful wife. It can flip to the other side - has a thing about "showing me off" but this means he will say things like - are you going to wash your hair before XYZ - I want to show you off. A few years ago when he had a deep depression episode it went the other way though with him telling me I needed to lose weight, was a turn off, wore frumpy dresses. And he can flip - If I tried to discuss it with him I would probably get "fuck off then" and him sulking and sleeping on the sofa. And if I am going out for the evening will say things like - you look nice - why don't you dress up like that for me/at home - you always look nice for other people. He wants me to be there all the time around him - but never actually wants to do anything together (I have pretty much given up going up to social events with him because he is never very interested and I would always be the one to organise it - so I just do my own thing now). The last few days he has had a bit of a bee in his bonnet about people dating after a partner has died. He has mentioned several times people he knows who's partner has died and then they are dating again (in one case it was 2 years later and he thought this was too soon) - and proceeds to tell me that he married me for life - not just my life but his as well and he would never date again if I died. He doesn't stop me doing things (he couldn't as I wouldn't allow it - and this includes me going away with friends or for a hobby weekend by myself, and I sometimes work abroad for a week once or twice a year), but I will always get "I don't want you to go, I will miss you" and general "poor old me all alone" guilt tripping. He hasn't always been like this but it getting worse as we get older. Only 2 years until (potentially) my youngest goes to uni - I can't even bear to think about what it will be like if it is just me and him at home if this carries on....

That sounds really tiresome. Needy and controlling..

this is like my relationship although it’s the opposite way round - I’m the needy one (very like how you describe your dh).

I have ASD and abandonment phobia. It’s horrific. Do you think your dh may have some kind of psychological issue ?
He would need to open to that possibility and willing to try to change and seek therapy.

My dh has had to give up work but I am making an effort which he sees. It sounds like your Situation may be one sided if your dh can’t see he is at fault

Oh dear god that sounds awful. Retirement will be a disaster for you.

I guess there is no way you can get him to go to see a counselor?

He sounds insecure and depressed perhaps. Is it something to do with your children flying the nest? It sounds really claustrophobic.

Wow. I couldn't cope with that at all.

I would try telling him very gently that this isn't healthy and that for your marriage to work, he needs to develop his self-assurance and his own identity and that you want to support him in this. If he sulks, call him out on it. Say I understand your reaction because this is an upsetting conversation. It upsets me too, very much, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have it. This issue absolutely has to be addressed if we want our marriage to last.

Be prepared to be honest with him about not wanting to be 'shown off' like a dolly, not wanting to have to devote all hours to bolstering his ego with reassurances, wanting to have your own life and alife together which engages in the outside world; being certain that thinmgs cannot continue as they are and that he deserves a happier and securer outlook in life. Focus on how much you care about his true happiness, his underlying self esteem, not propping up an insecure persona, so he gets that you want this for him not just yourself.

@MakeAsalad He has had MH issues over the years - but there is no trauma or anything like that. And he has always refused to get any help or take any medication when he has been in a depressive cycle

That sounds exhausting. I’d be moving on from that.

That’s interesting as I’m like that too and also have abandonment phobia!

@LilythePunk quite the opposite - I think he is a bit jealous of the relationship I have with the children and think he can't wait to have me all to himself when they have gone. This fills me with dread.

That makes it very very difficult then as he really needs to be aware he has a problem and willing to seek help and be open to therapy. If he’s not going to realise he has difficulties it could really be the end of the relationship as it will be hell for you

This sounds extremely suffocating and annoying.

Why is he opposed to therapy?

That sounds so difficult and suffocating... if he's been like this 'for ever' he's hardly likely to change, is this what you want for your future? I would seriously be considering your marriage and whether you want to stay in it

I wouldn't be indulging him with the shoulder rubbing etc and I would ignore the compliments as well.

If you want to save your marriage then perhaps going out to do a sport/hobby/threate etc together more often, making time to talk each night and ask him to join you on some of your night out, not all, as part of a partnership.

It sounds like you have given up on him, organised a life without him and he is feeling insecure. It is fine of course to do this, but do you have time together as as a couple? Still have fun and laughter?
If not, then maybe that is the problem that needs addressing and not his attention seeking.

Oh god, that sounds truly awful. I don't know how you cope with that. And if it's getting worse, I'd be very very nervous.

I think it's pretty clear that if you were a different type of women, by now your life would consist of doing nothing expect be at home with him, keeping him happy all the time.

I'm also interested in whether he ever pays any attention to what YOU need? Or is it all about what he wants and needs and how he feels when you choose to do something for yourself?

I do think it's time for a tough conversation. Tell him how this constant neediness makes you feel and what a turn off it is. Assuming you DO in fact love him, point out that you want to be with him and spend time with him but that this is suffocating and you're worried it's only going to get worse as the DC move out.

I’m not surprised you feel suffocated.

Why not have a break from him and see if that helps -how do you feel when you’re away? How do you feel when he constantly says these things?

He's probably opposed to therapy because then he'll have to take responsibility for himself and face whatever pain he's avoiding. By opting out, he dumps it all at your door. He needs to grow up. Quite literally.

For the thousandth time I wonder why women put up with any of this substandard shit.

How have you managed to put up with this for thirty years?

wow, thirty years of this? God help you. You must be exhausted.

He sounds absolutely insufferable. I couldn't live this way

Your DH sounds exactly like mine. Our kids have finally left home and I think how he is has been going on since then. I am like you and refuse to be pinned down by it but it frustrates and annoys me no end.

He has never been very emotional and I've worried that the change in him is a sign of early dementia, he seems OK otherwise, just mildly forgetful in a normal ageing sort of way.

I think what's going on is panic about getting older and it now being just the two of us. We had some couples counselling, I went on with a few more sessions of my own and after that, I was able to persuade him to see someone on his own. I found seeing a counsellor helpful and he is opening up it seems and looking at the relationship with his awful mother. She was a desperately unhappy and demanding woman and when she died (years ago), he didn't shed a single tear. The past comes back to haunt us later, hang on in there if you can. I have made it abundantly clear that I am and have considered leaving. It's tough.

The really sad thing about this is that the more needy he gets, the less you will want to spend time with him and the more unpleasant to him you will probably be. And then, unfortunately, the blaming will start, "you're so mean to me. You're so aggressive. You're so thoughtless" etc etc etc.

You need to be having the big talk now, before it is completely unsalvageable.

I think you have your answer right there.

Jealousy of children and fills you with dread..... you've outgrown him emotionally.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

@Swayingpalmtrees To an extent I guess I have organised a life without him - but that is not for lack of trying. I have had many conversations with him over the years about wanting us to do more stuff together. But he comes up with an objection to pretty much anything I suggest (doesn't like cinema - too loud, not bothered about eating out - I can cook better at home and he eats so quick and then just wants to go home - honestly if we do go out for dinner we are home in under an hour, doesn't like socialising - finds fault with most people etc, etc). I am the only one who ever plans anything (we would never go on holiday if it wasn't for me - he shows no interest and says "surprise me"). I have given up organising "us" stuff because I am not going to be a doormat any longer. I have organised 2 nights out and a few days away without the kids so far this year - he was supposed to arrange some things in return......I will be waiting a long time.

@Triffid1
I think it's pretty clear that if you were a different type of women, by now your life would consist of doing nothing expect be at home with him, keeping him happy all the time.

Exactly this - but it feels like a battle all of the time