Lack of passion/romance?

[YouCouldBeAnAirHostessInThe60s]

My husband and I have been married for ten years and have two girls - 8 and 5. I love being their mum. They are of course adored by both of us.

But I’m finding things hard. I have tried to articulate it to my husband but he just doesn’t seem to get it.

He’s a good man. No temper. Doesn’t really go out much. Dependable, secure (if a bit predictable - lacks a bit of spontaneity - but there are worse things, no one is perfect). We get on really well, bar the odd bicker. Loves his girls, they are very close.

We both work full time and I think we do split the domestic drudgery pretty much 50/50. Mental load when it comes to the girls is on me of course - he does as he is told i.e I tell him what I need him to do and he will do it, but to be honest I think i may prefer it that way.

Sounds all good on paper. But I’m just finding…there is a real lack of any passion on his part and it’s beginning to get
me down.

I still fancy him a lot. Probably more so at particular times of the month (is this just me??) but for me the spark is very much still there. But our sex life has diminished. We are both tired. We lack childcare options (both sets of parents live quite far away and still work full time) so we don’t really get any time to ourselves. 8 year old is a crap sleeper and will often lie awake reading until 11pm (which has a massive impact on our time together - she will randomly appear downstairs for a chat etc). Kids sleep through the wall and I am always terrified of waking them up when we do go to bed. 5 creates merry hell from the moment she opens her eyes - she’s “spirited” but to be honest exhausting. He doesn’t seem bothered by any of this though - “I think this is just life with kids?”

Went to a family wedding a couple of weeks ago where it was really pronounced, I felt. God he looked absolutely gorgeous but we spent the whole time pretty much apart, each watching a child (venue was a child death trap of lakes, ponds and fire pits). I made a massive effort, got my hair done etc and he barely even noticed (a cursory “oh you look nice”) I know it’s normal. I know. But god it was shit.

i just feel lonely and a bit fed up and under appreciated. When I speak to him he’s a bit defensive, sort of “of course I fancy you but what is it you want me to do?” sort of thing.

Sounds all good on paper. But I’m just finding…there is a real lack of any passion on his part and it’s beginning to get me down.

maybe he feels the same ? , is he waiting for you to do something?

I don’t know I think he knows exactly where I am. I think he thinks there is no issue.

bump

Maybe you need to
Consider paid baby sitting or have you a school mum friend you can swop baby sitting for.

Sleep overs with a friend.

It's hard when they are this age to get time together but there are ways.

Bathroom lock have a shower together?

You need to talk to him. Sorry if that’s no helpful but no one knows what’s going on in his head better than he does.

You need to set aside a day every week or two for a date night. Just you two, out for a meal, bowling, whatever. Even if it’s just for a couple hours. Maybe a hotel stay depending on finances. Dump the kids on a relative or friend. No excuses of ‘oh I’m tired’ or whatever. Make the time to spend as a couple. Don’t talk about the kids or mundane day to day stuff. Don’t ask him whether he fancies going to food - book a place and arrange babysitting and tell him you’re going out. Be proactive. I know it takes 2 people to make this work but one of you needs to take the first steps. Also you aren’t alone. So many people fall into the ‘parents’ role and lose their couple identity. When the girls get a little older it’ll become so much easier to get your ‘you time’ back. And you’re right, he does sound good on paper - don’t forget all of his great points because as you said earlier nobody is perfect.

Yes. We do need to make more time. I’m going to give this some thought. Potential babysitters etc 🤔 need to try a bit harder on that front.

God he used to be nuts about me. I miss the early days sometimes.

Annual leave. Drop the kids off at school. Spend the day in bed. Reconnect. Spice it up, book a hotel room for an afternoon! You just have to be creative with whatever time you can be together without the kids. Could the girls attend the same club on a Saturday morning, dancing, gymnastics etc? Buy yourself some time for just you and DH to be home alone? It sounds a bit contrived but is worth a go. Good luck xxx

Was JUST about to post this. Take a day off while the kids are in school. That way you don't need to find a babysitter. And you have the WHOLE day together, it can be just as fun, romantic, and connecting as having a night time date.