Waiting for solid ground

[WhizzMcFizz]

I'm feeling so trapped and demoralised. For background, I've been married 10 years (together for almost 16) with two kids aged 10 and 8. I've been a SAHM for many years and two years ago started studying a degree fulltime in a field I've always wanted to work in, with 2.5 years left to go until I'm qualified. My previous career I have no current qualifications in and last worked 11 years ago, and given that I used to work in IT that is an eternity.

About 3 years ago I found a message thread on Whatsapp of my H and another woman. Confronted him, he claimed nothing physical happened (she lives overseas although we used to live in the same city which is how they met and I had my suspicions at the time about their friendship). Essentially he has never understood how difficult that was for me - the last conversation we had he said "well its your choice to be upset about it" and I haven't felt up to broaching the subject since. Haven't had any intimacy since then.

He is very difficult day to day. Like living with Jekyll and Hyde, he can be very kind and caring and does a lot of household stuff, but also gets very angry at small things. Like kids leaving dishes around, and general mess. The kids won't talk to him about issues they have as they are scared he will yell at them. He has never been physically violent with me or them. But its like being on eggshells. I don't tend to raise things with him because he gets defensive (brings up something I do wrong, or says oh I'm obviously a terrible person / dad well I should leave / kill myself). So communication is not going well.

He controls all the finances, I have asked many times to be involved and this is a constant source of tension ie apparently I spend all the money he works for. I have worked odd one off jobs here and there but I have no money of my own to fall back on - we have a mortgage and shares in both names, but not a lot of free cash. The rental market here is extremely tight so I feel my chances of getting a rental on my own are non-existent until I have a full time job.

So I feel like I have to suck it up until I am qualified, and on an equal footing to have discussions with him and feel like I have the option to leave. How do I get through until then ? Sorry for the essay. I have days where I'm ok and others like today where I feel like I'm treading water and slowly sinking.

You plan ahead, and keep working towards the end goal.
You get your own bank account.
Get the child benefit paid into it if you can. If you can’t do it now, you know you need to do it as soon as you are separating.
Gather info about his private pension and any other financial things he has. Get screen shots of your savings, accounts etc as evidence.
Is there somewhere you can squirrel money away ? Loose change into an old handbag in the back of the ward robe ? Or take the occasional £10 as cash back and put it away.
When divorcing they would look at the last 12 months of bank accounts, so don’t let him have an inkling of your plans over that 12 months.
You are playing the long game, but don’t let him know.

I would start planning your exit from your cheat and abusive husband asap. I suggest asap primarily because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your kids. He is financially abusive as well in addition to being emotionally abusive (all this about threatening suicide is straight out of Abusers 101 and is done to keep you in line) and acting as the Dominator in your home. Reading Pat Craven's book "The Dominator" could help you (do not let him see this book). How helpful are your own family and or friends (particularly them) here?.

He does not have to hit you to hurt you and abuse is not solely and only physical in nature. You will never be on an equal footing to have any sort of discussions with him. He won't allow you to do that ever and he will remain abusive towards you post separation and divorce too.

Abuse also is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control and this individual wants absolute over you and your kids. The emotional damage being done to them now and in the past could also affect their choices of partner in their own adult relationships. Its not their fault either that their dad has chosen to embark on his own private based war against you. Men like this HATE WOMEN, ALL OF THEM.

The longer you remain within this the harder it will appear for you to make your escape from him. You certainly cannot remain with him another 2.5 years or until you complete your degree, attempt find a rental or get a full time job; this will just give him another 2.5 years at least in which to abuse you and in turn your kids who are also being profoundly affected by all this right now. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. No obstacle to leaving either is insurmountable.

Certainly gather as much financial stuff if you can do so safely. I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid (go into a branch of Boots and ask for ANI, they will direct you to a private consultation booth) and the Rights of Women initially as they can give some legal advice. You are married to this man and have rights in law; exercise those fully and visit a Solicitor. If your H is the sort also to hide money then I would also employ the services of a forensic accountant.

He is not going to want to let go of you at all easily because he is abusive but you and your kids have every right to live your lives without fear of being abused in their home (which is akin to a warzone now). The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Remember this always.

Thanks for your comments, I will definitely find that book you mention.
The big issue is housing - there is no social housing here (I am not in the UK) and so it is all private rentals - its really scary how hard it is to get a rental. One of my friends is a single mother on welfare (due to homeschooling her child who is on the spectrum) and she has been living with her dad as she has been knocked back from every place. Which is why I am thinking of staying until I have a full time job and half a chance. There is literally hundreds of applications for each property, plus we have a dog which is a cross against us.
I'm worried about the damage that waiting causes my kids in the meantime. And I know posters on here call men cocklodgers for doing essentially the same thing, but I can't see that living in a caravan park or my car (which isn't actually my car, its a lease) is really a great idea, when maybe I can hang on for my situation to become more stable. My oldest has also just been accepted into a good private (fee paying) school for high school (2024) so I need to consider what that means for him too.
My friends do know what is going on and are super supportive - at least emotionally. I'm not sure they are in a position to help out practically. The only option I can think of is that I should be in a position to get a part time job in my field in the next few months when I have completed the first clinical placement of my degree. I have a friend who is thinking of leaving her H, and maybe we could share a place (we've joked about it, but maybe it really is an option!). I'm not sure how that would go as one of her kids is definitely on the spectrum and I don't know how my kids / her kids would cope with actually living with each other.
I guess there's no perfect solution to wait for though.