Gaslighting

[VJasper86]

Tell me about gaslighting.

I am in the process of potentially separating from dh. We are giving it a month to individually think about things and bring options to the table to see what we actually both want out of this and if it's achievable.

Anyway, after some comments about gaslighting when I excitedly posted that I had told him how I felt, my truth, I have been trying to look into it and worry that I am gaslighting him.

I am quite critical of him and his temperament. Interrupting his tasks to take over/tell him a better way.

I feel like they are all potential signs and he must feel discomfort in the relationship.

On the flip side I am always saying sorry, he always gets defensive about things when I challenge them.

You can be critical of someone and not gaslight them. The gaslighting specifically involves DARVO plus direct or indirect attack on your perception + overt or covert undermining of your mental ability to understand the world.

For example, telling someone they're cleaning the kitchen badly isn't gaslighting them. It's being critical, which may or may not be justified, and is unlikely to be experienced positively by them.

Gaslighting would be more like:

• You tell him he's not cleaning it sufficiently.
• He says "I'm doing my best, get off my back. Stop criticising what I do!"
• You reply, "I'm not criticising you. I'm just pointing something out. How could you think I'm criticising you? I love you. I'm so upset you think I'm criticising you. I can't believe you would say that. How could you even think that?" Maybe a tear or two would be in there too.

And he'd be questioning WTAF just happened.

Criticising someone a lot isn't a good trait and it undermines the recipient's self-esteem. However it doesn't undermine their ability to place themselves in the world around them, understand it and also understand their interactions within it. It's not really confusing. It's hurtful though.

You're not gaslighting him. Here is the definition:

gaslight
verb
gerund or present participle: gaslighting
1 manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

It doesn't sound like gaslighting.

It does sound (from your limited description) like belittling and nitpicking.

Interrupting and taking over his tasks sounds like you have a superiority complex.

So, you may not be a gaslighter but you could very easily be a toxic/abusive partner.

Why do you feel the need to behave like this? I would feel stifled if my partner criticised me in this way

@Bunty55 i think I have quite strong perfectionist issues in that I self criticise myself, so I don't think it is limited to him.
I think it more comes from a place of low self esteem and thinking I am never good enough and not thinking I am better.
Within our relationship specifically, I think the criticism probably stems from him always taking the easy route that requires him to make the littlest effort.
I tend to do 75%+ of everything and always have. I have made it clear that I don't think this is fair and we need a more balanced relationship, yet if I ask him to do something, he would always take the route of minimal effort. So he can appease my request of asking him to do something, but still input the most minimal effort possible.
I think I am potentially one half of a toxic setup in our relationship, I often question why he says he is happy because I think I must not be good to him sometimes.
I am very open admitting my faults and am also trying to work on them with outside help.