Needing help with insecurities :(

[amIbeingsilly]

Hi

Just wondered if someone can advise me how to get over insecurities before they do some serious damage to my relationship.

My husband seems to have a number of good female friends and to be honest I find it hard to deal with. Anyway, I know he is in regular touch with most by e-mail from work and I try not make a big deal out of it but it feels like it is part of his life i am excluded from and it makes me feel insecure/suspicious.

On top of this he works in a predominantly male environment but has recently been working alongside a female graduate. Now this doesn't bother me at all but the fact he never mentions the females in his office and it was only by chance I found out he works quite closely with this one in particular. To cut a long story short, she found another job and finished before Christmas. I found a text on dh phone from him asking if she wanted to meet for a coffee last week. I sounded him out on it and he said that he had missed her leaving do and wanted to wish her well for her new job. He also sent her a text wishing her a happy new year but didn't send anyone else. Before anyone asks I dont routinely check his phone but was feeling particularly edgy...he knows I have looked at it as I told him.

Part of me feels I really need to address my insecurities, making mountains out possibly nothing but the other half feels I should be told of such meetings and that it is a little suspicious

Any advise appreciated!!

hmmmmmmmmm, I am a man so perhaps I can give you a male perspective.

There are a few very distinct sides to this story.

Should your husband be able to have female friends and female contacts from work? Well, of course he should. Some of the very best friendships for men are with women. I would even go as far as to say these friendships can really be a positive element in a relationship. Getting a female persepective can be really helpful and a man who is attractive as a friend to women is, in my view, probably a good and sensitive guy.

Secondly, it is very hard to advise you how to deal with your own insecurities as the roots of such things often lie very deep. I know from experience how painful these insecurities feel and I hope you find a way through them.

Finally, in spite of everything I say in the first paragraph, there is a possibility that as well as being in a very insecure state of mind, your intuitive alarm was rining and this is what led you to check his phone (poor form, I have to say, for the record. I just don't think it is a good basis for trust if partners feel their private means of communication will be checked). This is what you have to get to the bottom of with your husband. Even if your alarm bell was wide of the mark with the threat from another woman, maybe it was telling you something about other stuff which needed to be dealt with within your own relationship?

Two final quick points - if he had something to hide with the girl he texted, he more than likely would not have left the texts on his phone.

And, NOT ALL MEN ARE CHEATING BASTARDS!! Many of us enjoy female friends, even extremely close friendships, but never ever ever go beyond the boundaries of intimacy.

Hope that helps...

Hi

Many thanks for your reply. I think the problem is that my husband feels the need to hide such things as I have reacted badly in the past. I'll put my hand up and say I have though and feel that being upfront and open would allieve my fears a little.

I know it is important to have friends of both sexes and that trust includes independence and privacy, I just wish I could get over my fears. It seems when everything is going well these tiny nagging doubts will always appear and I hate myself for it...

Hi there, I have to go to sleep now but promise to have a think about this overnight and reply again tomorrow.