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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP said I’m gaslighting

29 replies

Cocopogo · 05/06/2022 19:20

DP recently heard the term gaslighting and googled it and in the four days over weekend has accused me of gaslighting several times in the context of every time I disagree with him and put my point of view across.
I don’t think there’s any way back from this.

OP posts:
esoryelneh · 05/06/2022 19:26

Are you gaslighting him?

CrumpetStrumpet · 05/06/2022 19:27

Can you give an example of something you've said that he claims is gaslighting?

Pompom2367 · 05/06/2022 19:29

But are the examples gaslighting op

Original poster
Cocopogo · 05/06/2022 19:39

He accused me of messaging another guy. I haven’t been. He’s had two affairs since we have been together I have never. I replied let’s talk about why you would think that, how you judge me by your morals etc. He said I was gaslighting.
Another one was he said I said something I said I didn’t. I honestly believe I didn’t. He said I’m gaslighting.
I’m not abusive. This weekend I have reached my limit with him and broke my silence, now he’s seen accusing me of gaslighting made me really upset, he’s done it several times since and I don’t see a way forward with him when he uses those terms. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and he knows this.

OP posts:
LostSocksBrigade · 05/06/2022 19:43

Sounds like he's gaslighting you and is throwing it at you so that you can say it to him iykwim.

RandomMess · 05/06/2022 19:43

Look up DARVO that's what he is up to I think

Regularsizedrudy · 05/06/2022 19:45

Cocopogo · 05/06/2022 19:39

He accused me of messaging another guy. I haven’t been. He’s had two affairs since we have been together I have never. I replied let’s talk about why you would think that, how you judge me by your morals etc. He said I was gaslighting.
Another one was he said I said something I said I didn’t. I honestly believe I didn’t. He said I’m gaslighting.
I’m not abusive. This weekend I have reached my limit with him and broke my silence, now he’s seen accusing me of gaslighting made me really upset, he’s done it several times since and I don’t see a way forward with him when he uses those terms. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and he knows this.

You’re in an abusive relationship now as well

TheFoxAndTheStar · 05/06/2022 19:49

RandomMess · 05/06/2022 19:43

Look up DARVO that's what he is up to I think

This

LoudingVoice · 05/06/2022 19:50

He doesn’t seem to understand the concept of gaslighting.

If he’s the one who’s been cheating & now he’s accusing you of things is this relationship even worth it?

madasawethen · 05/06/2022 19:56

He is abusive.
Can you dump him?

StrongOutspokenOftenIrritating · 05/06/2022 19:57

Tell him he’s right. Tell him you’re gaslighting him and it’s best you split up.

And leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/06/2022 20:00

I’ve been in an abusive relationship and he knows this.

You're in one now, don't you see that? He's had two affairs and you're still with him? It's madness.

Newestname002 · 05/06/2022 20:04

You’re in an abusive relationship now as well

Yep. With someone who's also a cheat.

What keeps you with him? Think about what your life with him will be like if he keeps you second guessing and defending yourself. 🌹

FinallyHere · 05/06/2022 20:20

He’s had two affairs

Have you come across the idea that 'fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on me'.

Giving someone a chance, after they make a mistake, can be a good thing. The second time they make the same mistake, if you again forgive them, you are just signally that you are ok with that mistake.

I'm very sorry @Cocopogo I don't think this is a great relationship for you. All the best.

RedWingBoots · 05/06/2022 20:26

I think @FinallyHere means

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"

There is also an Alice Walker saying -
"When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time."

You seriously need to leave him or work towards it, build up your self esteem on your own with no partner and go from there.

WizardOfAus · 05/06/2022 20:35

TWICE?!?!?

Original poster
Cocopogo · 05/06/2022 21:11

I know I know. There were a lot of positives too or so I thought. But they seem to be get less and less. He has changed in a lot of ways for the better but he’s still holding out of me which says it all and then to accuse me and then to talk about gaslighting as though he’s accused me of eating the last biscuit in the barrel has really made me question everything and want to run for the hills.

OP posts:
maras2 · 05/06/2022 21:14

Not only a cheat, but as thick as mince.
LTB.

Newestname002 · 05/06/2022 21:15

Value yourself higher than this, @Cocopogo. 🌹

Redshoeblueshoe · 05/06/2022 21:15

Well follow your instincts - and run

wellhelloitsme · 05/06/2022 21:19

I know it's a cheesy phrase but it's a helpful one too: "what would someone who loves themself do?"

They wouldn't stay with a man who has cheated on them twice and is now accusing them of cheating, when they aren't.

Do not waste one more day of your one, precious life with this man.

Bananalanacake · 06/06/2022 10:24

Who owns the property you live in. If you live alone life will be so much easier, you can eat all the biscuits you want.

layladomino · 06/06/2022 12:23
  1. He doesn't understand what gaslighting means.
  2. He's gaslighting you.
  3. He's going out of his way to upset you.
  4. I would seriously be rethinking my relationship if I were you.
TibetanTerrah · 06/06/2022 12:27

Next time he accuses you of gaslighting him, say "No, you're projecting your own gaslighting onto me. Feel free to look up projecting before you pack your bags since you're so keen on using psychology terms incorrectly and for your own ends."

Pinkbonbon · 06/06/2022 14:27

layladomino · 06/06/2022 12:23

  1. He doesn't understand what gaslighting means.
  2. He's gaslighting you.
  3. He's going out of his way to upset you.
  4. I would seriously be rethinking my relationship if I were you.

This.

You're in another abusive relationship op. Run.