I'm pretty sure my husband hates me

[whatdididotodeservethislife]

Sorry for the 'woe is me' title but I just don't know what to do anymore.

We're basically making each other miserable. We've been together nearly 6 years, married 1, 2 kids and he has an older son.
We've not had a great time. We've moved a lot, been homeless, 4 baby losses, redundancy. I literally feel like we are constantly being tested.
My family dislikes him because of how much I've changed.
Pretty sure his feel the same about me too though.
I don't get on with his son but that's another thread in itself. He hates that I'm not super stepmum to his son.
I'm just so angry, all the time. I don't even know why. My kids test my patience a lot and I can be quite shouty which I hate by the way and I'm seeking support from HV.

My husband is lazy. His only domestic job is to wash up but he moans if I don't put everything away from the last time he did it. He does the school run in the morning and we do shower and bedtime routine together but I do everything else alone. Pack lunches, washing, shopping, clothes putting away.
I've funded all the house moves. I paid for all his sons furniture by credit card. All our kids shoes, uniforms and clothes are paid for by me. He moans that I buy second hand but won't buy things himself.

I know this sounds like I'm bashing him and I guess i am a bit. I am grateful that he works full time and he does the morning bit but I just feel so annoyed with him.

It was his birthday today and I am broke so I put together a little party tea. No cake or banners or anything like that as his sons having a party in a few weeks so I'll go all out then for them both at the same time. He just seemed so disappointed in me.

I've put on a lot of weight since my daughter was born and I think it's a factor for both of us but he'd never admit it.
He said recently that he feels like he did with his ex: he doesn't want to come home, he dreads coming in the house when he gets home and he thinks about death a lot (not suicide, just contemplating his own mortality I guess). He won't leave. Says he'll never leave the kids. We argue a lot and just brush over it and wait for the next argument.

I think we're both so fed up and I don't know how, or if I want, to fix it. I don't think he's happy, he just doesn't want to go back to his mums in his mid 40's. Not exactly a good reason to stay.

Sorry for the long jumbled thread.

To be honest this relationship sounds like it's dead in the water OP. You both seem to be making each other miserable.

So as not drip feed

I can't leave (with or without the kids not that I'd ever leave them) or I'd be intentionally homeless as we live in affordable housing.

It sounds to me like you've both lost the way and neither of you know how to get yourself out of this mess.

I think it's salvageable but I think you would both have to be prepared to go to marriage guidance counselling and be fully committed into making it work.

Otherwise you're just gonna carry on as you are drifting apart resentment builds up and then you end up hating each other and I'm sure neither of you want that.

You’re carrying the vast amount, if not all, the mental load here.

Why have you also enabled his son like you have?. Why did you personally have to buy him furniture?. I think you’re being seen here by the two of them as a soft touch. Your husband does the very barest of bare minimums and yet you seem somehow pathetic and grateful he does that. I would also think your husband does and says nothing when his child starts kicking off against you.

Do not do your bit here to further teach your children such damaging
lessons about relationships. I would seriously consider how to plan your exit from this by seeing a Solicitor. It’s not up to your husband here to dictate terms and say that he’ll never leave the kids. He’s so damn selfish and self absorbed that he does not care about them either. Where he goes post separation and divorce is not your responsibility.

The fact you live in affordable housing is not in itself an insurmountable barrier into at all leaving this man. Your children are not going to buy that “reason” for you staying with him and will perhaps also accuse you in turn of putting him before them. You are married to this man and have rights in law, exercise those fully.

Why are family / household purchases coming from 'your' money? Why are you buying things for his son out of your own money?

Are your finances fairly organised? ie do you both have the same amount of disposable spending money to yourselves? Or do you have to pay for things for the children and house while he only spends 'his' on himself?

Your husband comes across as really selfish. You desserve better.

I can see why he and his ex parted ways. He has not changed an iota and she was likely glad to be rid of him.

and like father, like son. Do not go all out for him when it comes to his birthday. Why would you do that for someone who treats you as a person so very badly?. You’re not respected by either of them.

His son is 12 and is really absent minded. He's hurt my children through rough play pretty much every time he stays with us.
If my IL's are there when it happens he gets 'awwwww don't worry. It was only an accident' when my son is sat there with an egg growing out of his head or my daughter has fallen into furniture.
To add insult to injury, his initial reaction is to laugh when they get hurt which really pisses me off.

My husband earns about £450 a month more than me but my earnings all go on bills. He probably has about £200 to himself every month.

I'm not painting him in a great light really and I'm honestly no angel myself.
I can sometimes be a bit of a martyr and will just do stuff so it's done 'right'. He has this really annoying habit of saying 'do you want me to do that' while not moving or looking up from his phone though so I just do it because I'm already up.

I don't have fantastic mental health right now. I've had anxiety since my son was born and it just seems to get worse the older they get, even more so with my daughter. I don't feel comfortable leaving her at home if my SS is there. I have depression too but neither are treated with medication. I've had counselling and I've been recommended to have miscarriage therapy and trauma counselling from childhood sexual abuse. I just can't bring myself to do it right now and I don't know why.

Jesus. Just reading this all back makes me feel like a lost cause.

You are not a lost cause!.

Your boundaries, damaged as they have been by previous abuse, are being further got at and otherwise eroded by your husband and his son now. Your own children are being hurt by this over indulged young person and their home too is not the sanctuary it should be. They need someone to protect them and their stepfather here really could not give a monkeys. All that man cares about is his own self.

If you have not already spoken to NAPAC I would urge you to make contact with them napac.org.uk. What happened to you in your childhood is in no way your fault, that is all on the person who did that. It may be that you are feeling more anxious about your daughter here because she may well be approaching the age of when your abuse started.

Oh op. You've only been together 6 years and you've been pregnant 6 times? I'm really sorry for your losses. It sounds like you've not had time to grieve before he's got you pregnant with the next one. You must've been pregnant pretty much straightaway?
Cut your losses and walk away from him. You and your kids begin a new life

My husband earns about £450 a month more than me but my earnings all go on bills. He probably has about £200 to himself every month.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Really good advice here, OP.
None of this is your fault.

@WizardOfAus I work 30 hours a week term time only so if I worked full time I'd be on about the same.
My 'part time' status is used as an excuse to make me responsible for lots more. He doesn't see parenting as something that I can get frustrated with. I get the 'if you can't cope, you shouldn't have had kids' which just makes me want to scream.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for that.

I've been referred to a local charity but their wait list is long. I've had a look at the website you tagged and I'm going to bite the bullet this week.

I just need to sort myself out. My panic attacks are increasing and I've constantly got headaches and I'm just mentally exhausted. My husband doesn't really get/believe in mental health, he just thinks I need to get over stuff which is unhelpful. Strangely, when I had the miscarriages he was really supportive but it just feels like I bore him with my 'issues'.

Oh, op

I agreed with other pp and would like to add that you don't need to start therapy until you're ready to do so. Sometimes it's not the right time because all our energies are completely exhausted.

I'd urge you to consider medication to help. Your gp can prescribe medication to help with both anxiety and low mood. I take medication for severe anxiety and honestly there are times when I couldn't function without it. Beta blockers also can be really helpful for panic attacks and you can take them as and when needed.

You're burning out and you need your gp support whether you opt for medications or not.

I'm afraid I don't know what to advise you but just want to send you a virtual hug!
Do you have family who can offer to take the kids so you can have some time to yourself? It'd allow you head Space to think about what to do.

What a sad situation. I genuinely dont underdtand what made you procreate with this particulat man. Both your lives sound messy as hell TBH