Moving and parents in-law

[KWPip]

Im after some advice and I’m worried this is not going to end well. Apologises in advance it’s been years since I’ve used this site but it was the only place I could think would perhaps help me and offer some real and impartial advice with this situation.
Ive been with DH for 15 years and we have two children DS10 and DD5. I’m not originally from the area we live but moved to my DH city to be with him. While I don’t regret making that move so that we could be together in my heart over the years I’ve always longed to move back to my hometown and give my children a similar upbringing to myself (coastal area lots of beaches and countryside to roam) Where we are now is nice and I have made it my home and made friends and love my job in special needs but.. and I don’t feel like I’ve ever really properly adjusted to city life. And now my oldest isn’t that far away from going to high school and I feeling more and more the need for a change. I also feel like if it doesn’t happen then it never will. I’ve broached the subject lightly a few times over recent years with my DH but it’s been shut down quite quickly and I’ve been nervous to bring it back up. He has a mobile business which he has worked so hard to build and his elderly parents aren’t far away... So this weekend I bit the bullet and said I’d like to consider moving when our oldest goes to high school, perhaps closer to my hometown where I have a big family network including all my siblings and parents that can support us not just in practical ways but with both of our careers too. And I just saw the look in his eyes go dark. And he said what I’ve suspected all along.. that he doesn’t ever see himself moving. He then said also he’s got his parents to consider too, which is a valid point (although I felt he was just using that) and I agreed that his parents are also a priority to me and that we’d still see them regularly as both of us drive and we’d be less than an hour away. I also pointed out his siblings did similar when looking for schools for their children and moved to opposite ends of the country. But then I realised there was no point in thrashing it all out if none of it makes a blind difference because he just doesn’t want to live anywhere else. And is it selfish of me to have always held on to the hope we’d someday move and I have been with him under false pretences all these years and perhaps he never would of married and had children with me if he knew he was going to be faced with this situation one day. And now I feel a big black hole in my stomach because I’m facing a reality of staying where I am… and becoming more unhappy and possibly resentful towards him. Or should I continue giving him the best arguement I can to try and sway him to the benifits of a more suburban life for us and the kids… or… is this it?? And are we heading towards disaster 😕

Did you ever discuss moving back to your home time, as a possibility for the future? If you've always said you'd like to do it some day / if it was your longer term plan, and now he's just changed his mind and thinks you should lump it - then you have every tight to be angry at him.

However, if it was never on the radar, then he's just telling you that he doesn't want to move. And generally, I think if a couple disagree on something then the status quo tends to win (unless there is a strong practical benefit to changing things).

I met my DH after I moved a few hours from my home town. We've always lived in his home town. If I now decided I wanted to move back, I would totally understand if he didn't want to. Our life is here.

I appreciate it's different in your case as you moved to be with him, so you've already given something up for him, and it probably feels as though he ought to be willing to do the same for you.

What is your relationship like generally? Do you feel respected and heard? Does he value your opinion and want you to be happy?

What about your family and your needs? Why are they not a priority for him? Why does his family trump yours? You are allowed to live a life that's best for you - not him and his family. Please stand your ground - you get one life, and as a team you do what's best for you both. Not just one person.

Less than an hour away is no distance at all!

how often do you pop back to visit, would you get a bigger/better house/standard of living if you moved?

id say keep at him. It’s really not like you’re moving so far he can’t go and see them whenever. He’s still going to be close enough to drop everything if he needs to and go to help

do your homework properly. Show him the pluses of moving and the minuses of staying. Be transparent and honest and tell him how you’re feeling. Reassure him that you will make sure that you too pitch in to support him help them if that’s what it takes, but staying put forever really won’t be something that will make you happy long term.

stay calm. Be factual, show him what good looks like

What is there location wise about half way between where you are and where you want to be?

Surely his parents are not really relevant as it's his wife's feelings which should be important??

But what is more concerning is his job. Would he still be able to do it and earn as much in the place where you want to move to?

"I’ve always longed to move back to my hometown and give my children a similar upbringing to myself (coastal area lots of beaches and countryside to roam)"

But how often did you do this?. I cannot help but think you have an idealised and perhaps even a somewhat rose tinted version of your hometown here. Friends/social life are also important to children and young teens; how would they feel about having to make new friends and basically start over?. Could your H continue the same line of work as he is doing now?.

To teenagers in particular such a place could just make them feel more socially isolated; they don't always or even particularly want just beaches and countryside to roam in or even to live in a town where everyone else looks old to them, where buses run every hour or where everything seemingly closes at 5.00pm. In summer many coastal areas and towns can attract tourists but transport is not great in many coastal areas and some are economically deprived areas with little to no facilities within them, particularly like a cinema or a leisure centre. How often do you return to your hometown?. Look at what has changed within it. This may be a very wide and overarching view but be careful what you wish for. If the move to your hometown was a mistake, could you actually move again?.

What pp above said. I think it would be selfish to uproot your kids, home and family life for an idealized version that you have. Your are less than an hour away so could still go to your family and have that support. You seem to have a good life there, your kids are settled and I think it would be short sighted to move.

Agree with previous posts, this sounds like a super selfish plan.

It's less than an hour away, they could be on the beach/ countryside ever weekend and most days in the holidays if that's what you want. I wouldn't move that close a distance unless we really needed to.

Hi op I'm a city girl that as always dreamed of living next to the beach and countryside my nearest seaside town is 2 plus hours away if given the opportunity as much as I could be selfish and move I wouldn't as it wouldn't be fair on my children if your only an hour away from your family and friends by car then surely you can go whenever you like and have weekend there

Why don't you buy a second home there for weekends/holidays? You could compromise and spend your summers there?

Is there any half way compromise use? Ie. Maybe not move so far away, but move out of the city? Ie. Somewhere within easy reach of the coast, but also within easy reach of his parents.

what involvement do you have with his parents now? If weekly, you can still do this.

Free to roam? I have friends in the country and they can't roam anywhere. Farmers don't want them on their land, the streets are not safe with high hedgerows and no pavements. Beach is fine. But unless there's good transport your 10 year old is going to get reliant on you more and more.
An hour away is nothing. You can go for weekends - rent an Airbnb.
As for not feeling settled in the city - equally your husband thinks he will not in the country.

I've been in a similar position- moved to DH's town and lived there for 13 years, had very established life there. However, I said to him right at the start of the relationship that I didn't want to live there forever and made sure he was ok with that. We have now moved to where I was from (more rural, by the sea etc). The trigger point was my mum's ill health - we thought we might lose her, and I couldn't bear being so far away.

There are pros and cons to the move. We are quite isolated where we are which was good during Covid (😂) but when you want to travel anywhere or find opportunities for dc it can be a pain. We miss our friends and family from our old life and it has been tricky keeping up with everyone, however good your intentions are. Likewise it has been tricky settling in here thanks to the pandemic - making friends and social opportunities few and far between. DH is unmoved by the coast/countryside - he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me, he doesn't care about being near the sea. He also had to leave his job - which he liked to start with, but not many employment opportunities here so he is now a bit frustrated.

It took Dd a long time to settle here, probably a year and I did feel guilty about dragging her away from her friends, school, cousins etc. it's better now.

It also gets soooooo busy here in the summer that you can't go out and enjoy the countryside because it's crawling with tourists, you can't park, everything is booked up 😂. So bear in mind it might not be as fantastic as you imagine in your head!

Now you have broached the subject with DH you need to allow him time to adjust to the idea. Try to do some research into the realities of the move - houses, schools, jobs etc so you can continue more discussion at a later date. He may warm to the idea. If it is something that is so important to you he should give it full consideration before dismissing, even if he doesn't want to move.

I don’t know if I’m misunderstanding something, but if it’s less than an hour away why do you need to move? That’s easily done in a day trip to see family/friends/go to the beach. I can see why he wouldn’t want to uproot life for the sake of something that’s so accessible from your current house. I’d say my family were positively local to me if they lived less than an hour away.

It does somewhat depend on what conversations you've had about this over the years. It's very different if he's going back on an agreement / given you the impression he would move and is now closing you down. If this is perhaps something that you've hoped for but not spoken about, then I do have some sympathy for your DH. It's a tricky one, but he shouldn't be shutting down any discussions about it with a flat 'no'.

It might help to do some research OP. Do you own or rent? Look at what's available in the area both in terms of housing / facilities and sit down to go through it together.

Oh and I think only on MN would someone suggest buying a second home as an option 😂

If your parents/hometown are only an hour away, which do you need to uproot everyone to move? And spend thousands doing it.

Surely you can drive to your parents/beaches at weekends anyway? Both of your drive. And how would the kids feel about moving?

Yes, his parents need support and so do you yours. But you've said yourself they have a big network around them already. And that his siblings had moved away. So does he feel that caring for his parents falls upon him?

But you should both be able to discuss the pros and cons amicably.

Hi thank you everyone who has taken the time to read and offer me some advice. I have done as suggested and taken some time to Iet the dust settle as I agree it would be unfair to not give my DH a chance to think on things.

Our relationship is good for the most part. I supported him when he decided to start his own business and also take on the bulk of childcare and he has supported us by being the breadwinner. Having his own business has come with a lot of challenges and often he has to take work as it comes and this means lots of evenings and weekends, so I spent a lot of time on my own with the kids. That’s ok though I quite enjoy it and we’ve built up a good routine with clubs and sports and play dates so we’re always busy too. And if he’s working over the weekend I tend to go back home and meet up with my friends and family and stay over which the kids love. My oldest has been asking for as long as I can remember if we could live there and is often upset or sulky when we leave … and now my DD has started doing it too. Theyre very lucky though as they’ve lots of cousins their age as I’m one of 5 siblings. I’ve even overheard my DS talking with the other boys and making a plan for him to join their football team. And on top of it he supports their club too even though it’s a rival to our city - which my husband has in all fairness taken gracefully!

So my hometown is a peninsula and is not far from major towns and cities so transport shops and social life are all good too. I grew up spending almost every weekend during the summer having beach parties and bbqs and walking the nature trails. And my family - old and young - still do this, as do my old friends who now have families of their own. And I feel sad when I see something on social media and there’s been an impromptu get together or just not being able to call in for a cuppa with my parents or one of the kids have a birthday party / school play / competition etc and it’s a weeknight so we can’t be part of it. We still get invited to things but I’d say more than often than not we can’t attend.

So my husbands business is mobile and he is self employed so moving to a new area could be doable. It would be a bit trickier for me as I’m employed but my sisters in the same work so I’m sure they’d be able to help. My DHs business has also been declining in recent years and he’s questioning its viability. It's also quite a physical job it’s not something he could do in another decade so change is definitely afoot!
All of this tied is in with my oldest going to high school in a couple of years which I need to do homework on as I’ve no one to really ask. DHs parents are local though and have always lived in the same house. They’re also quite solitary individuals and even more so since the pandemic. But we all get on well and they are supportive, just from a distance. We can go months without seeing them and this has always been how it been, even before I was with my DH.

We also own our home… well it’s mortgaged and in my husbands name as he bought it just before we got together. When I’ve asked about going on the mortgage he’s pulled a face and says he doesn’t see the point as we’re married… but I’d like something that is equally mine as it doesn’t feel equal even though it’s just a piece of paper. It would be nice to choose a home together. My DS is now also asking for more space as the kids share a bedroom which won’t be ideal as he steps into adolescence. My husbands solution to this has been to consider an extension. So yes we seem to be on different pages don’t we.
And as I said in my previous post if it doesn’t happen in the near future with all of the changes we are going through, I can’t see it ever happening.

When I’ve asked about going on the mortgage he’s pulled a face and says he doesn’t see the point as we’re married…

This is a separate issue but one that needs sorting pronto.

I take it you contribute to the mortgage, household bills etc? Why are you not on the deeds?

I’m not entirely sure how to sort it. I know this may sound really naive but I was under the impression that as we’re married if anything were to happen such as separation we’d both be able to sort out our assets evenly. I think (or hope) we’d both do that for each other regardless of what brought our relationship down. I may be wrong though and I’m worried that if I bring up the mortgage again so closely to my hinting I want to move home he’d start to be suspicious of my thoughts and intentions. Trying to ‘sell the house from under him’ type thing and I’m not that kind of person.

Plus I never had any thing to do with the house the deeds or the mortgage as it was all in place before I met DH. So nothing untowards from his part that’s just how it is I guess.. and he is the breadwinner and always has been. But again this is another aspect of my situation that makes me feel stronger about us moving and having a home that we both chose together. I fear I’m sounding like a bit of a hopeless case aren’t I.

OP if it's the Wirral please god don't move back. The school choices for seniors are awful. But then again I can't see many who have left ever wanting to return, so maybe not.

Your dh is being a twat putting his dps before his family...

Have you and your DH ever discussed moving back to your home town? And with any sort of time frame?

How do the schools stack up in your home town versus current city? Will they even have space for your kids?

My family moved to a rural coastal village when I almost a teenager and it was shit. We had previously lived a bigger town with stuff for teenagers to do. But the new location just had nothing. I wouldn't wish that on my kids.