Divorce - mediation

[beanypie]

About to start mediation process and have no idea what to expect/where to start, so any advice gratefully received!

Obviously, there is a long list of reasons why we are divorcing, so I have tried to highlight the important information! I have applied for no fault divorce from DH. We have been married for almost 22 years and have two DC who are in their late teens. He is a heavy drinker and, until a year and half ago, was a high earner. I work part time and earn about £20k a year. Over the years he has totally mismanaged his money and has mostly been in debt, so there has been little ability to save much. The only assts we have are the family home and pensions (mine is small, his is large). There is a small amount of equity in the house. Hoping it won’t take many sessions to sort! Any ideas where to start?

Hi.

Starting point is 50 / 50.

Sounds like could be tricky if not much house equity and big disparity in pensions. House may well need to be sold

What's his job status now. Does he earn similar to you.

Starting point is not 50:50, I suggest you ask for advice from your mediator, not from mumsnet!

Is he not a high earner any longer?

Honestly it's so difficult to say where a good place to start is as everyone's circumstances are so different.

E.g in my case dh kept his pensions but I got a larger share of the family home and managed to borrow enough to buy him out (used a lender that also took maintenance and universal credit in to account).

I kept the family car and also all of the household possessions/furniture and he took on the joint account debt.

Do the children want to stay with you for the majority of the time or do they want to do more of a 50/50 split. That will give some idea of what the future home set up would be.

The first mediation session will probably involve making a spreadsheet with all your assets and all the debt etc you have between you. Gives you a clear picture of where you currently are in your marriage and what there is at stake.

Took us 5 sessions in total I think.

Why has mediation been suggested?. Is this what your own Solicitor has suggested?.

Do you think he is going to be reasonable here?. If your current husband has shown any signs of abusive behaviour towards you I would not undergo this process with him. If he is an alcoholic, same.

Eh. What is it then?

You look at assets, contributions (the “homemaker contribution” is generally viewed as equal to any high earner), future needs (including income generating capacity) then agree a percentage split. Generally younger people want cash or liquid assets, older people might be more open to pension splitting. Does the family home need to be sold or are there enough other assets to be able to give both parties their share without doing that. Who will have care of the kids until they are 18 comes into it which is why people often fight to have their kids more of the time not because they really want them or it is the best thing for them but because it increases their share of the pool. If it is an acrimonious split it is not easy but it is certainly cheaper than court.

The mediator will provide you with a form/ spreadsheet I which you both disclose/ list assets, pensions, savings, earnings etc & that’s the starting point. No point worrying about it, once you’re in the process , you will both have a better idea of what the settlement will be.

You need to be on similar pages about how things can be split otherwise it’s a waste of time.

you need to think about what you want and what you are prepared to “give”, don’t expect the mediator to have all of the answers, they are just there to facilitate and have you an idea of what would be classed as “fair” or a possible outcome if it went to court.

if there isn’t much equity and your don’t earn a hugh amount it seems unlikely you will be able to retain the family house, so it might be worth approaching a mortgage broker to get an idea of how much you may be able to borrow, and that would give you an idea of how much you need to “gain” from the settlement in order to adequately house yourself and the teens

the starting point is 50/50, and moves depending on length of marriage, who works, earning potential, pensions etc, but it would be unlikely for you to get more than 60% unless there were extenuating circumstances.

if you husband was a high earner where has all of the money gone??

The 50:50 myth seriously disadvantages a lot of women when their exs tell them this is the norm and they accept it at face value. Married five years with no kids maybe but most people who end up in mediation are not in this situation, I would say of the last 50 or so property mediations I have done only one ended up at 50:50 and it won’t be accepted as fair and reasonable by the Court but the guy would not listen to reason.

You look at assets, contributions (the “homemaker contribution” is generally viewed as equal to any high earner)

this is kinda true and no true, the homemaker contribution is seen as equal contribution, no matter if the “bread winner “ earns £50k or £500k or the gender.

with more wives earning equal or more then husbands, I can only guess that in the future men may well potentially get larger % of the assets

OP get onto Amicable and get an appointment - I had two free calls, only a few minutes but managed to get some basic questions down. Also I was under the impression that you don't need to go to mediation in every case. You can also get free advice from the Pensions Advisory Service - use all the free stuff to get a steer first.

Also re-post in Divorce. I'm in a broadly similar situation, I am hoping to get 2/3rds of the house equity (as I am the carer for our disabled teenager) in return for him keeping his large pension. Ultimately you need a solicitor to draw up the financials for the court anyway, and if its not fair the court will just send it back.