My mum can say toxic things in front of grandson

[StrangerThings85]

Hello,

My mum only sees my son (2 years old), her grandchild, once a week. More if I can but I moved to the other side of town and with his schedule everything needs to be planned. His other grandparents look after him when I'm working and there's definitely some jealousy about that. My son takes a little while to warm to my Mum when he sees her but usually he's fine but my Mum says in front of him, to me "I'm sure he hates me" etc. I've told her off for this because I don't want him to be exposed to her toxic side which I've seen all too well growing up.

Any advice on how I deal with this? When he's older he'll probably spend more time with her and I don't want her to make him feel guilty about her insecurities x

I wouldn't say that was toxic really. I mean toxic would be like 'your mummy hates you'. In which case I'd advise no further contact between her and your child.

In the case you described I'd have sat down with my two year old and gone 'granny is feeling sad. Let's tell her to cheer up granny. One, two, three - cheer up granny!'.

I guess it's not but I fear it's just the start, I've had a lifetime of being made to feel guilty and she can be very difficult at times. One of the reasons why I don't see her that much tbh and I definitely don't want her saying things like to my son, he's only 2.

...if your mother is toxic, and was toxic to you growing up, why on earth are you letting her see your son once a week?

The rule to follow here is that if a parent is too toxic/difficult or otherwise batshit for YOU to deal with, it’s the SAME deal for your child too.

I would start cutting out her visits now and with immediate effect. She is not an emotionally safe enough person to be around your child. Deal with your FOG re your mother through therapy, after all she installed those fear, obligation and guilt buttons in you. Do read Susan Forward’s book called Toxic Parents. Have a read too and consider posting on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

Then I wouldn't let her see my child at all op. My grandmother was toxic ans it has most definitely had a lasting affect on my life. I forgive my mum because I dont think she has ever really understood what her mother was like. But you do. So why on earth are tou allowing her anywhere near your child?

You're the adult now. If people don't treat you right, you have to find the courage to walk away. And you certainly do not allow people who would harm your child, around your child.

If she is toxic, you don't allow her around the child AT ALL. Not even supervised. Abusers can abuse you infront of other people without without them even noticing. So don't think that just because tou are there, your child is safe.

Time to put on your big girl pants. Stop trying to manage a toxic person. Find your courage and walk away.

I echo pp. Why would you want your son to see more of your mother if she's toxic? Why put him through that unnecesary pain?

If she says 'he hates me' in front of him I'd make light of it. If she gets worse, or continues saying things as he gets older and can understand it, then I'd ask her not to say such things. If she ignored that, then she wouldn't see him.