It’s been 18 months

[Triplestacker23]

I still miss my ex. Still think of him each day.

when does it get easier? When will I feel I have moved on?

I think it only gets easier when you have closure or you move on in your own life.

If ex has moved on let him be.

Ah OP, sorry you are still feeling like this. I'm only a month post break up and feel horrendous. I can't imagine now when or if ill feel like I've moved on. I'm crying most days and can't sleep. He was my best friend as well as my partner and honestly it feels like my life has gone from colour to black and white since we split, it's duller, plainer version of the same life.

@Bagoshite i know that feeling all too well sadly. I think the only way to move on is to get closure that they have moved on, and then delete all trace of them from your life. My ex tells me everyday he still wants our future, but just wants some time to ‘work on himself’ it’s maddening and so cruel to keep someone in limbo, but I know I’ll never have the dream with anyone else. It sucks

Im sorry @Bagoshite i remember that feeling and it is truly horrendous. I will say it does fade and get easier over time - and the one thing I’m so grateful for is that it does do that. I never want to feel that way again, that awful gut wrenching upsetness.

im just sad and fed up that the melancholy and general thinking of him hasn’t gone away.

How long were you together OP? What was the relationship like?

I split with my ex six weeks ago, very toxic relationship of 3 years and while that awful not eating/sleeping stage has passed and I don’t want him back, I still think about him every day. I expect I will for a long time.

We were together a year but the following 18 months we were in contact on and off. And it’s now been 18 months of no contact. It was quite volatile when we were together but I think a lot of that was also my fault. I wasn’t in the right headspace to really devote to him and he could be selfish/thoughtless at times. I’ve grown a lot since then. I don’t think we should necessarily be back together but I’m sad at the potential of what might have been there. And I’m just sad that we don’t have a friendship.

@Triplestacker23 what do you mean by volatile? It sounds like you're blaming yourself, often we do nothing wrong, relationships just don't work out but we ruminate, "maybe I could have done this or that and it would have worked", essentially living in the past. I think it will be hard for you to move on until you stop doing that.

You are most likely looking back at the relationship with rose tinted glasses on, even though the first word you used to describe it was volatile.

I think you’re spot on really. I do blame myself a lot. I’ve had therapy since and my therapist said we all carry 50% of the blame/ problem. I think during the relationship I thought I was faultless but now I can see I wasn’t. I wasn’t over my previous relationship and it was unfair to get involved with him.

@Triplestacker23 the thing is we can't go back and do it all again, I suspect if you did go back it would never be the same as it was at the start. So you just have to use the learning points for the future. It's interesting that you say you didn't give it your all as you were not over the relationship before, as you're literally doing the same thing right now, so the pattern could be repeated.

From the little you've said this relationship was not right, he is selfish, you were not fully involved, it was volatile. Maybe you need to frame it like that, make lists of the things that made you unhappy, go through old messages you send to friends, reread how you felt during the relationship. I suspect you'll be surprised at the negative aspects that you've brushed to the side.

That's a weird thing for your therapist to say and it's also bullshit.

Plenty of people are in abusive relationships and don't 'carry 50% of the blame'. They're normal, decent people who get fucked over by arseholes. Not being perfect at all times in the face of someone being awful to you doesn't make you equally culpable.