Inappropriate messaging

[janaus2000]

Looking for advice for daughter please.
My daughter had been with her H for over 10 years. 1 daughter 8 years old.
She left in January. Because of him text messaging other women. 5 years ago, he cheated. They did counselling, and things appeared good. Never happen again.

But the last year or so he had been secretive with phone. Big weight loss, more interested in his appearance. After a huge disagreement, he admitted texting. She knew it was over. So,: move onto now. 5 months on, he is being controlling, who are you with, where are you going, etc.
He has Dd every 2nd weekend, and 1 or 2 nights the other week.
He has always seemed a good dad. Last night when daughter was out with her girl friends, It came out that he had been inappropriate messaging her.
Friend didn’t want to rock the boat, so didn’t say anything. It’s now come out that he had been sending inappropriate messages to 5 other friends via Secret messaging on Facebook, so no proof.
Daughter is now terribly worried about DD spending time with him.
any advice if this would be grounds to wind back his time with her.
daughter is also blaming herself for being so stupid and unaware.

Let me get this straight , your daughters ex has been messaging her friends ?

I don't see why this means he can't see his daughter though.

Just because hes a lying cheat with no morals, lack of self control and no boundaries doesnt mean he isnt a good dad.

Your post makes absolutely no sense.

Has he been messaging his daughters 8 year old friends?

Or his ex’s adult friends?

@Onwards22 this is what I initially thought too, that it was the 8 year old friends! Unclear post for sure!

Reading it again it sounds like it’s your adult daughters friends - which isn’t great but they’ve split up so he is free to message whoever he wants (even if morally wrong).

It has nothing to do with him being a good dad though and I don’t know why she’s be worried about their DD.

I hope she’s not thinking of trying to stop contact because she’s jealous he’s messaging other women.

@RhiRhi1996 Yes especially if OP is saying she’s worried about her spending time with him etc. but then thinking about it you would just stop contact and ring the police.

All the best op

The attempts to control or keep tabs on who his ex wife / partner sees is very worrying.

Are the messages he's sending to the friends of your daughter lewd? Dick pics?

Sorry. The text messaging had been happening before the separation. Suggestive, sexual innuendoes. It’s like he was wanting to get caught out.
And her friends didn’t tell her until after the separation,
it’s like emotional abuse.
so, maybe she is over reacting, But she is now concerned about DD spending time alone with her father, because he is such a creep, maybe he can’t be trusted at all.

he has now become very verbally abusive to my daughter. Almost like out of control. Swinging backwards and forwards, I want you back, then abusive then again I’d do anything if you come back. Then ‘sniffing’ her saying she must have a boyfriend. There’s no boundaries.
Anyway, it may be normal emotions so early since separation.

As long as he's a good dad you have no choice. Do you?

So he ‘sexts’ other women

Doesnt mean he is going to hurt his daughter
What an awful thing to say !

He has always been a good dad. But also thought he was a good husband.
daughter is very emotional about finding out this stuff.
i will suggest she gets counselling, she needs to know how to separate these thoughts, not blame herself, and to realise that he is a good dad.
thanks for your opinions.

Suggestive, sexual innuendoes…But she is now concerned about DD spending time alone with her father, because he is such a creep, maybe he can’t be trusted at all

seriously? An adult sends sexually suggestive messages to other adults and your daughter thinks he ‘can’t be trusted at all’ and isn’t safe to be alone with a child? Very few adults would be safe to leave alone with a child if those are the criteria used.

The controlling behaviour about who your daughter sees is another matter entirely, and she needs to draw a firm boundary about discussing that with him.

Yes you've answered yourself there she needs to learn how to separate these issues.
Cutting back on time with his daughter is using DD as a pawn to punish him. She can't do that.

Your daughter needs to install some firm boundaries over communication with her ex. He does not need to speak to her about anything other than their daughter, any other topics are off limits. Your daughter is entitled to a boyfriend and the ex can text whoever he likes. Unless there is proof he is neglecting his daughter than you don't have a just cause to reduce his time with her.

Thank you for your support and advice. Had a talk with her and she agreed that ex is a good dad. And it has nothing to do with him being a creep in his personal life.
with counselling it will help her enforce boundaries and to accept these problems do not effect him as a good dad.
thanks, no further messages needed. Appreciate your help to see things clearly. It was a shock that she heard about another friend had received text messages. Glad that’s all out in the open.