We've been married 20 odd years but we have hardly anything in common?

[Andrew1974YAY]

Hi all. I am happily married and do not want to look elsewhere or consider my relationship, after 20 odd years of marriage. However we have completely opposite ideas around culture, art etc. Whereas I love theatre, art galleries, plays, shows etc. My wife doesn't have any likes of those. We have grown up kids who still live with us (no drama they are great adults). We still love each other but how can we go on with these massive differences?

My partner and I are the same- nearly 20 years together and absolutely no shared interests or hobbies at all, other than our children. But we laugh a lot together, have the same outlook on life and plenty to talk about. I don't really know how that works. We're happy together, but if we weren't I'm sure we'd still get along fine.

I think this is quite common when the kids are grown up so they're not your entire focus anymore. You need to find a way to reconnect. What did you like to do together before you had children?

She likes only fools and horses etc, my family and other fine sitcoms but doesn't appreciate art, music and other finiries in life that I would love to see or watch. We keep a great house between us, all bills paid, occasionally some bedtime frivolous activities but I worry that there's not enough between us given our polar opposite approach to the arts. I don't want to give up at all on us, just need to understand what I can do to to keep our marriage alive?

We focus on the things we do both like. Loads of stuff dh likes I can't stand and visa versa. Doesn't stop us hanging out together

Do you not enjoy anything together? Films, theatre, concerts, restaurants, sports, nature, dancing?
Surely she must have more interests than sitcoms? What did she used to like 20 years ago?

I wonder if she needs to rediscover herself and what she really likes now the children are adults. Too common for women to forget what gives them joy as they are so absorbed in motherhood.
You dont have to have the same interests, but you do both need to have interests and for neither of you to think yours are more worthy than theirs.

DH and I (also married 20 years) are polar opposites in terms of how we like to spend our free time. I'm really sociable, he's not, I like to be busy outside the house, most of his hobbies are solitary 'at home' activities. I'm very adventurous and get bored easily, he's calm and contented. We are like chalk and cheese but we still enjoy each others company and find things to do together, whilst enjoying our individual hobbies separately. Find things you can enjoy doing together - holidays, meals, films, walks whatever it is...

Me and DH are very different - he likes adrenalin/extreme sports whilst I like a gentle walk in the country. We have completely different tastes in terms of music, art etc. We focus on what we do have in common - we both love good food and travelling for example. I don't see our different interests as a problem. I actually think it's very healthy that we can go off and do things separately. For example, tomorrow he's going off to do one of his sports and on Thursday I'm going to see a band I love. This is good! I really wouldn't like it if we had exactly the same interests and did everything together. Why do think your wife has to like what you like? Can't you enjoy things on your own? Or is there a deeper problem in the relationship?

The other issue is that we didn't have time to get to know each other. My wife was pregnant 6 weeks after meeting her and I am a traditional man so we married before my eldest was born. We've done so much since then and we are still together despite the odds. We both love the same places in the UK mind and we go there regularly. None of us look the same as meeting and I worry we will fail after the kids have gone. But I don't want too?

DH and I are also very different and have been married nearly 25 years.

He likes sport, music, is fairly introvert; I don't particularly like sport or music but have other interests he isn't bothered with at all, and I am very extrovert.

But it works. We have time together and to ourselves.

Does she also worry your relationship isn't sustainable?

You sound a bit like you are looking down on her tbh

Someones caught your eye!!

If youre a traditional man then you wont really be asking about how you can possibly go on since youre more arty and middle class than your wife.
You decided to commit to her and her to you. Neither of you knew the other deeply, so it sounds like youve actually made a pretty good team together and work well as a family unit.
At this point in a relationship, the kids are grown up, its a period of redefining your identities again. Lots of couples dont manage the transition well.
Your wifes and you have different ways to relax, and maybe some of the shows she enjoys are a bit lowbrow, but its a shame if all you think her interests are are television. Is she a bit depressed? She needs to find what SHE likes. They dont have to be the same things as you, but would be nice if you could find a shared interest or hobby that you could take up as a couple in order to try and rebond for the next stage of the relationship, and try not to judge the things she enjoys and hope the same for her vice versa

The idea of a partner that shares all your interests and passions, but also all the brilliant partnership qualities your wife has might be a bit of a fantasy. Its nice when it happens im sure, but it doesnt mean its unhealthy or a problem if a couple arent joined at the hip. You do need to do something together though.

The things you like and she doesn't are quite specific. You could join a theatre club or go to shows with MeetUp. You don't need to do everything together to have a successful marriage.

But you could also both agree to show interest in each other's passions. You could suggest she joins you for some more mainstream shows (My Fair Lady at ENO?) as she's bound to enjoy some of them and she might start to enjoy them. You could sit down and watch some classic sitcoms with her. Laughing together is very bonding.

And definitely go on soem new adventures and plan some new projects together - updating the house, going for weekends away, taking up a sport or dance classes together. Something new for both of you, to widen both your horizons.

So many replies to address here, thank you all. Firstly 'this is a wind up' no it isn't and yes she did fall pregnant not long after meeting each other. It wasn't planned and certainly not in our thoughts but we decided to give marriage and our relationship a go, and we are still together 20 odd years later. Next 'someone has caught your eye'... Nope. I just wanted some advice from a female perspective. Next 'you sound like you look down on her'.. Again no I don't at all. She's an amazing woman who works hard in a role I could never do in the community, and is a fabulous mum etc. We do watch the sitcoms together and I do enjoy them also, I just want a bit more different variety in our lives that's all. I think the sentence above about finding out what she likes is very true, her whole life with me has revolved around us as a family, work and very little interest outside that circle. I have asked her if there is anything she wants to do for herself but she never does, she is very matriarchal and house proud and that seems to be enough for her. We do go away every now and then when we celebrate birthdays or anniversaries etc. I get away with work regularly so that gives us both a break I suppose. Thanks for the replies everyone 🙂

I can't believe your wife has no interests outside watching sit coms and you have no interests outside looking at art and listening to music. What have you done together for the last twenty years?

Is the truth that what you are really looking for is reassurance that it's fine to leave your wife now the kids are grown up and totally acceptable on the basis of your lack of common ground, so you can pursue your other "interests" (likely a decade younger than you and appreciates the "finer" things your wife doesn't)

So you like theatre and she likes only fools and horses? Go to see only fools and horses the musical. Sorted

If she has always been matriarchal and houseproud then she might feel more challenged than you to redefine herself. You say she does community work and does work in the community that you couldnt do. Thats quite different from only interested in sitcoms.
I think some of this is down to the importance you place on the things she finds fulfilling and enriching compared to yours.
I wonder if you could turn some of your interests into community focused things. Theatre groups or art groups for underrepresented demographics, or get involved in something like this if there is anything locally. Depending on your ages, there are often clubs or courses where people find likeminded people to do certain hobbies together. I did some creative courses at the adult education centre. My mum amd my aunt quite often do things my stepdad wouldnt want to. I often do things with other friends or my adult son or my teenagers that my partner isnt into. My partner has hobbies he does with others that i am not interested in, but I do like how he has interests that he pursues, as for a while, i felt like ( like your wife) that he had lost touch with what made him tick and brought happiness, so i encouraged it.
We make sure we walk the dogs together often though and often have a tv show that we try and watch together or we occasionally go to the cinema or to the theatre.
You HAVE to make time to get to know each other again and rekindle your interest in each other as individuals.

Why don't you book some tickets & say, I've booked 2 tickets for X on X date for us to go together
If you have enough budget, go for a meal before or stay away for a long weekend

It sounds like you are not being very proactive !

Book to see some live comedy shows & live music

Book to see some art exhibitions

Book cinema - new Jurassic dinosaur film out soon

Ask your DW what she would like to do, you choose something, she chooses something

Do something each month !

We have looked at the local theatre & have seen tickets going for that evening. So we have booked & enjoyed ourselves

For venues that are further away, we have planned in advance

I can relate to this. Been together 27 years. Moved in together after 6 months as I fell pregnant.
We used to do stuff with the kids , but now their adults that's fizzled out.
Partner spreads all his time watching stuff on YouTube.
He's literally turned into his dad, reason why my mil left his dad after 47 years of marriage.
I try to encourage him to join me in going out, pub, meals . He never wants to.
So I go to the pictures with my mum, meals out with my girlfriends, I'm going away for 3 days on a girls camping trip, I go for short breaks with my mum. Concerts with friends/my daughter.
All while he sits in the same place as the sofa. He will at some point need surgically removing.
He literally has no enthusiasm to do anything. I'm only 44 and don't particularly want to be a coco and bed person .
He is self employed, but works less hours than me, which he moans about as 'we never do anything together' but when I request a weekend off. We don't do anything. As I speak he's YouTubing .

What about joining the National Trust or similar
You can go together or alone
You can go just for cake & coffee
Some country walks

I've just ended my marriage after 20yrs. I could see that whilst we had a nice lifestyle and a comfortable house we had nothing in common. My Ex would not have got divorced but I was unhappy. After years of telling myself I was content. My situation was different to yours as it had become abusive. Our teens haven't quite flown the best but I could see what was going to happen when they did.

My ex had already suggested that we buy a house in France for him to live in whist I stayed in UK and continued working.

I reckon in my friendship circle, people are in 3 camps.

1/3 are unhappy and have ended their relationship. Got divorced and become single. Moved on. Faced change.

1/3 are really happy. In a genuine relationship either long term or new and fresh. Loving each others company.

1/3 have just accepted their lot. Not that happy or unhappy or bothered to do anything about it. Can't face divorce or change they live increasingly separate lives. Hanging out with people who have similar interests.

Just stopping by to say 'she fell pregnant' is the worst.

Did she trip and graze her knee on it?