Done something stupid

[user1098532268]

I've done something dumb and can only blame myself, can't really tell anyone either so putting it on here.

Before myself and my partner got together a year ago, we dated briefly. He ended it and went off with someone who was interfering throughout us dating.
I was upset and angry at her for how she behaved (messaging him and asking him out when she knew we were dating). When I heard they were together I messaged her and said I knew they were saying and wished them luck....this was after she had acted all friendly to me whilst stabbing me in the back.

Obviously that didn't work out with them, myself and him rebuilt a friendship and got together a year ago. We are happy and planning our future together.

I know his password and for some reason yesterday I decided to see when they had last spoken as I still have some insecurities around her. It was over a year ago so that was good....but then I decided to snope and read through messages between them. At one point she told him I'd messaged her and he called me a psycho, which hurt to read but I can see why it was said.
Problem is I've seen how he would message her photos which I never get, but I know our relationship is so much closer and better than theirs ever was.

I hate myself for snooping as I can't forget him calling me a psycho and the fact I've acted like it again.

I don't need advice, don't need people to tell me I was wrong as I know, I just need to get it off my chest now

Ah I've done it myself in a previous relationship, you've opened it up even though you new it would upset you. Curiosity killed the cat and what not....

You can't even be raging which will probably make you more mad. He said what he said as he was trying to please her at the time - id get yourself out and try to distract yourself until you can move on. Obviously the backgrounds a bit sticky, so there's going to be trust issues - but those messages were in the past. But I know what it's like you've literally upset yourself and can only be mad with yourself which is highly annoying x

I'm glad you get what I'm feeling. I am literally raging with myself but then being extra nice and loving with him as I feel guilty....which luckily he hasn't found odd haha

He chose her over you at the time, can you really get over this?

This is what happens when you decide to blame the OW for your b/f's cheating, because it's easier to pretend to yourself that it's all her fault.

Problem is I've seen how he would message her photos which I never get, but I know our relationship is so much closer and better than theirs ever was.
Is it?
How would you "know" that?

You are deluding yourself.
She didn't "interfere" in your relationship - he allowed her to insert herself into it.
And if you believe that he finished with you before shagging her, you are obviously naive enough to believe that it's ok that he called you a "psycho" because now you've won the Pick-Me Dance, you are going to be rewarded with happiness.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

How have you managed to convince yourself that a disloyal cheat who calls you a psycho is a prize?

Hmm. She didn't interfere, he picked her at the time. You mention some insecurities about this still. How has he explained himself and assured you? I think he enjoyed having two women being after him and stirred the pot- what you said to her doesn't sound 'psycho' at all.

I know it sounds cliche but he is a different person than he was then (it was 4 years ago)

He is with me every weekend, we talk everyday and it's much more than what he had with her looking at messages from their time dating. He wouldn't even go public with her, I only found out from his mate about them.

I haven't done a 'pick me' dance at all, I wasn't even going to give him another shot...obviously I have but I didn't make it easy for him to win me over

Oh I've been there and no good comes of it. People say stuff on the spur of the moment without really meaning it - don't read anything into it. I really feel for you but give it some time and you'll feel better.

But for your own sanity, you do need to address the underlying insecurity that caused you to snoop in the first place.

Ok, so you don't need advice, you've got it off your chest, & your b/f has changed from being an insulting disloyal cheat into a perfect man who likes you more that he liked OW.

it's much more than what he had with her looking at messages from their time dating.

Hurrah! You've "won."

Admittedly, it's a prize you need to ensure you can keep by engaging in illegal phone snooping, but what's a bit of sordid reading of other people's private comms when there's TROO LURVE to be won?
What are you going to do - a regular sweep of his messages once a month? That might leave you feeling a bit insecure though, maybe best make it weekly.

He wouldn’t ‘be seen in public’ with a woman he was dating? Wow sounds like a great guy.