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Relationships

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Fantasising about leaving

10 replies

jubilantjess · 04/06/2022 14:48

I keep dreaming (day-dreams and when asleep) about being on my own.

Context: long relationship over 15 years. Lived together for 10 of them. Due to get married in the first lockdown but decided to cancel and plan again when things settled down.

Now all I can think about is living on my own. Is this the end of the road?

Since Covid, he doesn't leave the house. He is always here, but sleeps until mid-afternoon most days, sometimes later. He works when he wants, so it hasn't affected that. I swing between being pissed off and hurt that he would rather stay in bed than spend time with me, and relieved and glad to get home from seeing friends and family, or being at work, to find him still in bed.

He 'doesn't see' mess or dirt, so has to be reminded again and again and again to tidy up after himself, including disgusting things like leaving skidmarks in the loo and his toothpaste spit in the sink. I tend to cook because he has no interest in learning and would rather live off frozen meals or takeaways. The deal used to be whoever didn't make the meal was on washing up duty, which worked quite well for a few years. But he often leaves the washing up now, so I either have to do it myself in the morning or come home from work to yesterday's dishes.

The good points are pretty much fading away. We have very similar interests and senses of humour. He's intelligent and interesting to talk with, gentle and peaceful, used to be great with my nephews and nieces (but now refuses to join me on visits or outings) and he pays his way.

Is there any way to salvage this? I've talked about it until I bore myself, and he makes all the right noises, but nothing changes.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 04/06/2022 15:09

Nope. This is DONE. Make your escape now, better to be single than with a drag like this. Those faults will just multiply and magnify until the resentment kills any affection you ever felt. This is the REAL him, the nice guy in the beginning was him doing his best to get you, but it was a fake. Runnnnn!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2022 15:10

No re salvaging this and anyway why would you want to?. There is nothing to rescue and or save here, it’s over. This is really who he is. Do not be further taken in by words from him, it’s actions that count and he is all talk and no action.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

jubilantjess · 04/06/2022 17:12

Thanks for the replies.

We have a mortgage and own jointly. I don't think the bank would let him remortgage on his own because of his contract status- it was only my salary that helped us get the mortgage at the time of buying. I don't really care about this house- it's a nice area to live but I would prefer something cheaper out of the city where I can park on a drive and have more space.

Selling up would probably be easiest, and would mean we each get around £150k from how much the house has gone up since we bought it.

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 04/06/2022 17:20

He sounds like such an energy drain. I think your life would so much more joyful and all round more pleasant when you are not coming home to that every day.

pixie5121 · 04/06/2022 17:48

I could not be fucking arsed with that, no.

Living alone is glorious. My bathroom is always clean and smells lovely, dishes always done, bed always made, everything just how I want it and there's nobody else to make a mess. I'd be happy to meet a partner but only one who actively improves my life. For example, it would be lovely if I had someone else to wash up if I cook or to take out the bin bag sometimes. Why would you tolerate someone who actively makes your life worse? What is he giving you other than stress?

GingeryLemons · 04/06/2022 18:05

Let him live in lonely squalor if he wants - time for you to happily live on your own terms.

KangarooKenny · 04/06/2022 18:14

The sleeping in sounds like depression.
But just like many people, they make the right noises about changing, but never do.
The question is whether you want to live like this forever, because that’s what it will be.

Cherrysoup · 04/06/2022 19:27

Sounds like the relationship has come to an end for you. I can’t imagine how you could get it back on track. You are not responsible for looking after him if he has depression. You should not be clearing up after him, he’s not a child.

jubilantjess · 04/06/2022 22:07

Yes, he is clinically depressed, and has been for many years. But he used to keep normal hours and pull his weight with the chores, even while depressed. It feels like he’s stopped bothering because he knows I’d rather pick up the slack than live in squalor. But you’re right- I don’t want to do this any more.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 05/06/2022 09:07

You’ve talked and talked, nothing changes. He’s been clinically depressed for years, nothing changes. Definitely time for you to leave - you may not realise it yet but your own mental health is taking a big hit from this relationship. The other thing is, if he actually does go and get treatment for his depression, starts doing his share and cleaning up his shit, that just means for all the years he’s been letting YOU do it, he could’ve been doing it and all this rage and resentment that’s eating you didn’t need to happen. Leaving for your better life is the only cure!

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