Managing the lows and anxiety in a relationship

[Londoner88]

I’m 33 and have been going out with my boyfriend (36) for a year. The first 6 months were amazing and then gradually over time (magnified by moving in a few months ago) he has had lots of ups and downs, few anxiety attacks and really disproportionate reactions to any minor conflict, things outside his comfort zone. Any big event (holiday, attending wedding, things with my friends) has a 50% success rate but he’s fine staying in/cooking and is the life and soul of the party if we go out with his friends. He used to smoke weed which I think was a coping mechanism but has stopped and now just smokes a lot which I struggle with.

It culminated in him leaving me on a holiday because I asked why his mood had been so flat. He got on a flight left me there just to decide he loved me and was sorry. I took him back as I love him but it’s dragging me down as a sociable, positive person. He knows he has a problem and says he’s trying but not really taking action. Has anyone got any advice? The good times are great but I don’t know how to minimise the bad

You can't 'minimise the bad' it's not your job to manage his moods and behaviour. You are not his therapist or his keeper.

The fact he left you on holiday and flew home is unbelievable. Its an unforgivably petty thing to do. He's dragging you down and making you unhappy. Get rid and reclaim your life. It's only been a year. Don't waste anymore of your time on this man.

I dont think he is the one for you - sounds like way too much hard work. A relationship doesnt need to be this hard.

Why did he move in so quickly, you can have a relationship without living together you know.

The first six months was an act designed to draw you in and was an act he could never hope to maintain. What you are seeing now is who he really is, a chaotic person and weed smoker to boot.

Whats happened here to you, why is your relationship bar this low that you’ve at all tolerated this?. You and he should not be together and this now needs to end. You are confusing love here with codependency and that is a state that is doing you no favours at all. His actions are certainly not indicative of someone who loves you but uses you for his own ends, you’re convenient to him.

Women are not rehab centres for men so stop with trying to act as one. Love your own self for a change and work out exactly through counselling why you chose to minimise his myriad of issues/red flags that were apparent far earlier. Look at your boundaries in counselling, work out why they have been this low. You are being dragged down with him and he’s doing that to you because he can. Value yourself more and properly realise you deserve far more from a relationship.