Being told to stay, go, wait it out, what would you do?

[Pertak]

18 weeks into pregnancy and just realising how utterly shit my DP is likely to be. It’s all my fault, I’ve nobody to blame but myself. I’m 35 soon and admit I felt panicked about the future and had only been with DP 2 years, so maybe I made a wrong judgement on him? I don’t know. He seemed like a great person, steady and well paying job, not loud and in your face, easy to chat with, lots of interests, nice but distant family (which I also thought was good!!), good laugh and sensible.

But all these things have faded and were probably already faded before being pregnant. Even with the pregnancy, it was me who came off contraception after he told me for weeks on end he couldn’t wait to be a dad and that he would love it if I woke him up one morning and announced I’m pregnant. He said he was better with surprises as otherwise he would put off and plan forever. I stupidly took this to heart and romantically thought oh he just does want this.

Since it happened he’s been there and been largely happy but if something inconveniences him, like a hospital appointment on a day that doesn’t suit etc then he will go into the most awful sulky moods. I’ve never seen anything like it.

I am now thinking of leaving as it has become so awful to be around but I’ve been given all sorts of advice IRL ranging from leave him and take maintenance, stay with him whatever it takes, play the longer game and put up with it for now as he might change… I just don’t know.

I just feel like on some level he doesn’t want this but when I’ve asked outright about that he says he does. And now I feel for me, it’s too late to do anything about it. But if he is continually moody etc then I don’t feel I can take money from him.

My head is a mess. I’m a mess. I’ve already let the baby down haven’t I. I hate myself for not watching more carefully his behaviour and it seems to become more moody every day.

Leave him and give baby you’re surname.
The only way you would let your baby down is if you stayed in a crap relationship and had to split when your child is aware. If you go now your baby will know no different.

*your

I'm going to be flamed for this, but it isn't too late for a termination OP.

You should be having a child with someone who is fully on board and not half-hearted about it.

Only you can make the decision whether to stay or go.

Please please please do not listen to all the people who are telling you to stay. I bet that they are telling you he's probably.over whelmed and scared and blah blah blah.

There are only 2 options here: his sulky aggressive behaviour stops right now OR you leave.

At best, he IS feeling overwhelmed ans stressed. But if he isn't enough of a man to realise he has to stop taking it out on you, then he certainly isn't going to be able to modify his behaviour when things are really tough.

At worst, he's started the process of controlling you and training you and the baby to not inconvenience him in any way by ensuring that you are constantly on egg shells and modifying YOUR behaviour to keep him happy.

You haven't let your baby down, but you WILL let your baby down if you continue to put up with crap behaviour from him !

Tell him straight, he either steps up (and grows the fuck up), and you do this whole 'parenthood' thing together as equals, or he can fuck off. (And yes, you CAN and SHOULD accept money from him to help bring up HIS baby ffs !)

You do not give your baby the worst possible Father on purpose, and you damn well don't STAY with the worst Father on purpose either !

YOU are what your DC will need most, so YOUR priorities are YOU and your DC, NOT him ! (He's bloody well making sure that HIS 'needs/priorities' are being looked after himself ! There's NO bloody reason YOU should be pandering to HIM as well, is there ??)

You haven’t let your baby down. You will if you stay - of course he won’t change and inconvenience will ramp up once the baby is here. You can’t manage a baby and his awful sulks which have already ruined your relationship.

Find the local single mum club, leave now as it will be much easier alone. Definitely claim child support.

Time to go.

Be aware that often, abuse begins when the women gets pregnant. Might be controlling behaviour starting to show. Expecting you to tiptoe around him 'moods'.

Either way, don't raise a child in an a home where its mum has to walk on eggshells.

Absolutely give the child your surname. And I'd consider seriously about whether or not you want to put his name on the birth certificate when the time comes. Play it by ear, see if he is capable of acting respectfully or not once you are split.

I hope you get an outcome that is the best possible for you and baby.
As to maintenance, it is for baby. Your planned baby. So he is expecting baby expenses from pre-birth. Pram, cot, bottle sterilizer and so on. Half the budget.
It feels like you don't want to inconvenience him or upset him. Baby will be an initial expense and then maintenance.

There is quite a lot going on in what you are saying.

You have asked him if he’s happy about the baby, and he has said “yes” , but you don’t believe him - why do you not believe him? How many times have you asked him if he’s happy about the baby? There was a poster in here the other week, with the same thoughts, who had badgered her BF with the question over and over. Do you have any doubts about the pregnancy ?

Sulky Moods get on my nerves - my husband was a sulker in the early days .. until I pointed out that I would not be putting up with that nonsense. Have you told your partner that his behaviour is unacceptable? TBH, I don’t think my (now) husband knew any other way of managing disagreements or disappointments (points finger at MIL) - but he’s changed .. because people can.

Have you told him how his behaviour is affecting you, and have you asked him to behave differently ? That’s your first port of call.

I also needed to change my behaviour - I was such a Conflict Avoider … I was worried he would leave me if I disagreed with him. We are 20 years in, and I think we’ve got there.

I would leave now.
It will be FAR harder once the baby is here.