Stick or twist? Confused about post-divorce relationship

[whattodokathmandu]

I’m mid-40s with one school-aged child, divorced 4 years ago. I’ve been in a great relationship for the past 3.5 years, live an hour apart, see each other every other weekend + one night in the week, regular holidays, etc. DP is kind, hot, smart, funny, financially savvy, great dad to his kids. On the downside, he’s ridiculously laid back, not hugely romantic, and not interested in a formal commitment.

Here lies the problem: I want something more than this part-time relationship. To me it feels like perpetual dating. I want us to integrate our lives more. I don’t want to marry again due to previous messy divorce and don’t want to risk my finances (I own a nice home, work full time in a full-on job). We see each other as two families just a few times a year due to kid busy-ness (we both have kids 50/50 and our kid weekends sync). We have no option to move closer or blend due to kids’ schools and proximity to other parent.

We’ve talked at length about this and I’ve suggested several ideas: a non-legal commitment ceremony, committing to seeing each other every weekend (so one adult weekend, one kid weekend together), and he’s open to the idea but not at all as up for it as me. For him we have the perfect arrangement: time together/ time with kids/ time alone. He sees more love and commitment in choosing to seeing each other rather than defaulting to doing so by living together. He says he wants to move in together when the kids are grown (10 years away).

For me, I’d like to have a ‘real’ relationship again. I miss being part of a bigger family. I want to go to sleep with someone more often than I sleep alone. I don’t think I can do the every other weekend thing for the next 10 years. It’s not enough for me.

In short, I love him but I don’t love the circumstances. This limbo is really getting to me now. I need to make a decision whether to accept the status quo or end the relationship and take a gamble on meeting someone who wants the same future as me.

What is it that you actually want to do, though? From reading your post, you’ve said (perfectly reasonably) that you don’t want to: marry, lose having your own home, move to him because of your DC’s school, blend your families. All sounds very sensible under the circumstances too. But what are you actually wanting from this that you aren’t getting? Is it practical arrangements, or more emotional?

3.5 years is a long time for it not to have progressed and it's only you suggesting plans to see each more. It doesn't seem like he wants anything more than what the current relationship is.
He's saying the next 10 years to going to be like this and he isn't seeing you more than once a week, don't stay to please him.

I am your OH in this. We have the exact same set up as you except see each other 2 nights per week and EOW. We are 100% committed. He would like to blend more but I love it as it is. Sure see each other every w/e with kids but it won’t be the same. Personally I love the dating feeling I get every time I see him. We might live together when kids are older and might have a commitment ceremony (like you I have no desire to remarry due to finances). But if you’re not happy then you have to speak to him
and either decide it’s not for you or learn to be happy with it. Compromise is always good. How about once a month you have a blended w/e rather than EO w/e?

Re your comment:
"DP is kind, hot, smart, funny, financially savvy, great dad to his kids. On the downside, he’s ridiculously laid back, not hugely romantic, and not interested in a formal commitment".

His minus points outweigh your supposed good ones by some considerable margin. Also there is nothing at all in his plus points about what you get out of this relationship with him. Financially savvy in his case could also mean not wanting to share anything, let alone any money, with any woman ever again.

You met this man a mere 6 months after you got divorced. It could be argued you needed and still need more time and space away from any relationship in order to better work out for your own self who you are, to process and heal from your divorce (that can take some considerable time) and what you want going forward. You went from one relationship almost straight into another one.

I'd end it now and in time go onto find someone else who is actually on the same page as you are. This relationship as it is suits him down to the ground and he's not going to want to give any of that power and control gained from this that easily if at all. Ten years is a long time and things will change in those intervening years. There is really no guarantee you two will actually be together then or move in together at that time (ten years from now too is perhaps when his children are 18 or something; he'll likely come up with some excuse then linked to guilt and his children). He is not already and won't be further interested in any sort of formal commitment so I would stick to your own held principles re what you want rather than disregarding them or putting them aside.

I don't think it's really fair to his kids or yours that every weekend they spend with him they also have to spend with you and yours. It's too messy. You're not actually blending the families, more just dabbling. But they're the ones who have to adjust to a completely different dynamic every other weekend.

I think the relationship you want is probably with someone without their own children. You say you want a 'real' relationship and being part of a bigger family but at the same time you don't want to:

• blend finances


• share a home


• uproot your kids


• marry.

I think you're right not to want any of those things but ultimately they are what being a bigger family is about. There are a lot of constraints on the type of relationship you can have - some self-imposed like the finances, some imposed by virtue of co-parenting. You might find it easier to have a more fulfilling relationship with someone who has fewer constraints themselves, but equally that person could be looking for more commitment than you want to give, or to have their own kids, or not want to be tied down by your 50-50 arrangement.

If you're not happy with the arrangement of course you mustn't stay in the relationship (and here the lack of blending will help your children to move on more easily) but I think you may want a relationship that doesn't exist, where the other person is exactly as committed to you as you want them to be but not even 1 per cent more.

Interesting range of perspectives to mull over.

@WimpoleHat the question of emotional vs. practical commitment is a useful one. I think I'm really looking for the former, and see the latter as evidence of that. I want to be loved and adored, and figure that if he really did feel that way, then he'd be as keen as me to find ways of spending more time together. Am talking to my therapist lots about this.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I appreciate your straight words. Him moving the goalposts after a decade's investment does worry me. Maybe some time alone would help. But if I'm lonely with the limited time as a couple now, I'm quite scared of what singledom will feel like.

@tribpot thanks for highlighting the contradiction. Yes I want the family vibe but also refuse to jump in with both feet. This is part of the headfuck

Agree with above. By our age everyone has “baggage” of sorts (don’t jump on me - I’m not implying kids are just that). Someone without kids or grown up kids may not want yours. There will always be compromise at our age. So in answer to your question, personally I would stick, but it depends how in love you are and whether you are happy. I’m crazy about my OH and can’t imagine life without him and am so happy. Sure I’d rather his kids were older so we don’t have as long until we can live together, but he’s the one for me so it’s a small thing in the grand scheme of things. If you’re not crazy about him, then move on, if you are, then I’d stick in your position

"I'm quite scared of what singledom will feel like".

Time to find out!.

Being single is not really some sort of bad or pariah state and being so will give you the time and space you need to process your marriage and its ending along with where you go from here. Love your own self for a change.

To me your relationship sounds perfect and just what I would love but it's about what you need/want. But I do wonder what would your kids like - I have mine 50/50 and our weekends are really special to me even if we don't really do much. No way would they want another grown-up with his kids around.

This is where I’m at. The emotional bit of me wants more but logistically that’s not going to happen any time soon as we both have kids settled in schools. So we EOW and a couple of extra nights in the week.

Thats just how life is. I think I’d feel slightly better if rings were involved, but I don’t want to remarry. I also think if we all lived together it would be disastrous.

try and see the positives of where you are now. Even if he magically lived closer he wouldn’t necessarily be any more romantic.

and I think personally that Atilla almost always says “end it.”

I doubt he’ll ever want to move in or he would have done so already after 3.5 years. Travelling an hour to the kids’ schools is not an option, but I bet he’ll give some reason why he still can’t move in even with the kids out of school. He sounds like he’s enjoying the freedom.

@whattodokathmandu

imsorry you feel like this, it's horrible being so torn.

I do agree with what @tribpot said though.
it's like you want 'more' but only the exactly correct amount of 'more, but not too much'. (For different reasons I'm in the same position and it's doing my head in)

he's not interested in a formal commitment

I'm sorry, but I think he has been quite clear how he feels. The status quo suits him & he doesn't want 'more' in the way you do.

from a practical POV even if you did both want to live together, I can't see how it would work with you both keeping 50/50 with each set of kids?! If he or your Ex were just EOW , you could do it, but not with 50/50, that's a huge commitment to living nearby your ex's & schools.

I think the 10yrs is a bit pie in the sky thinking & you can't bank on it too much. He may. E saying what is as close to what you want to hear as you can, or he may genuinely believe it, but 10 years is a long time (probably longer than you've had your DD!!) Even if one of you had a chikd/children who were happy to change area for senior school, you can't really do that to your Ex's and your 50:50 agreement assuming they're happy with that.

would you be happy 'as you are' with a few 'tweaks'?

take turns living at each other's on your non child weeks?

having every other child weekend together (so that's 1 in 4 keeping one child weekend each with your own kids & both non child weekends together)

having some kind of joint plan/project/goal. Working towards something together.

holidays? Do you have holidays/plan with/without the kids.

maybe decorate at each other's do in some way part of each other's houses feel like 'yours together' not just 'mine v his'. Do you have 'stuff' that stays at each other's?

I hope you can find a way to be happy, whether that's with or without him x

What about keeping things as they are in terms of separate houses etc but living together for part of the time you don't have your respective kids? You could alternate houses. Are you workplaces commutable from one another's homes? This could be one week per month to start.

Agreed that 10 years is a long way off but it seems a shame not to try and solve this as you get on so well

You want more but don't want to live together or marry. Basically, you want to see him every weekend which means half the time you see him, all kids are involved. But you don't want a blended family?

Personally, I agree with him. HIs kids probably don't want the confusion of spending half their time with their dad with you and half with just him. They have their own home and their own lives and they're happy and comfortable. I assume it's the same for your DC>

If you want more from a relationship, that's fine. But what your' asking for here doesn't make a lot of sense. And even if it did, it's not what he wants. So you're not really compatible.

the question of emotional vs. practical commitment is a useful one. I think I'm really looking for the former, and see the latter as evidence of that. I want to be loved and adored, and figure that if he really did feel that way, then he'd be as keen as me to find ways of spending more time together. Am talking to my therapist lots about this

Spending more time together does not show emotional commitment.

I think you're getting your wires crossed , you know he isn't overly affectionate and is unlikely to change so you want him to change how often he sees you to make up for this.

I think your relationship sounds perfect.
A partner should enhance your life not be your life.

It's interesting how you got together with him so soon after divorce and that you can't imagine being single.
It appears your whole being and self worth is based on validation from a man.

Its really good you're having therapy as it will help you address why you need validation from a man.

Ultimately if this relationship isn't meetinf your needs you can end it.

Please remember that the children in this situation (yours and his) must have their needs considered over your and his needs.
No child wants to spend time every weekend with their parent with their partner and kids. Keep your time together seperate.

Just back from a lovely weekend together. Lots of fun, and a chance to talk about some of these themes. We do have a shared vision of a committed and adventurous future, and align in some core boundaries re finances and marriage. We differ in the present in that I have more of a desire to spend more family time together (stemming from the loss of my previous family unit when my ExH abandoned me without warning - another story) whereas DP is happy to enjoy our time as a couple and with mutual friends. The affection is absolutely there on his part even though I'm a bit more vocal about it.

So I'm sticking for now. I hear the comments about not imposing too-regular combined family time on our kids so we'll proceed with monthly get-togethers and see how it goes.

That sounds like a very positive update x