What does this mean?

yellowrosey · 2022-06-03T20:21:00+00:00

If sex has never been a priority (for you) in your LT relationship, you've never been with anyone else so don't know any different, sex is okay, sometimes good but you could easily go without it and sometimes it feels a bit like a duty. Has pretty much always been like this as well as the obvious dip in a LTR. Then you develop feelings for someone else and realise that you feel strong sexual attraction towards them, you think about them sexually, etc? Can the relationship be worked on, can the sex improve? (Nothing has happened, just thoughts!)

Hiddenvoice · 03/06/2022 22:10

Do you want your current relationship to work? If you do then you maybe need to work with your partner to spice up your sexual relationship. If you’re pretty interested in the other person then it might mean that your current relationship is over as it seems like you’d like to try experience new things. Nothing wrong with that, don’t cling on to a relationship if you’re not overly happy.

me4real · 03/06/2022 22:22

Do you feel romantically as well as sexually attracted to this other guy? Do you find your partner attractive?

Also sounds like you missed out on a step of 'playing the field' which some people say is important.

Original poster

yellowrosey · 03/06/2022 23:40

Hiddenvoice · 03/06/2022 22:10

Do you want your current relationship to work? If you do then you maybe need to work with your partner to spice up your sexual relationship. If you’re pretty interested in the other person then it might mean that your current relationship is over as it seems like you’d like to try experience new things. Nothing wrong with that, don’t cling on to a relationship if you’re not overly happy.

Ideally yes as we have a child, although I really don't want them to be the only reason we're together. I think this other person has mainly just brought to light issues that had always been there but I hadn't fully realised or wanted to face. But I'm not sure they're big enough issues to break up a family...

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Original poster

yellowrosey · 03/06/2022 23:46

me4real · 03/06/2022 22:22

Do you feel romantically as well as sexually attracted to this other guy? Do you find your partner attractive?

Also sounds like you missed out on a step of 'playing the field' which some people say is important.

Yeah I do, we have a lot of common interests too.
I do think my partner is attractive although I've never really been as attracted to him as I'd like if I'm being honest. And I'd say it's always been in a "he looks nice" way rather than a "hello! 😉" way.
I do think I missed the chance to explore a bit before settling down and looking back I really wish I had but at the time I was so nervous and young, I didn't want to!

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SweetMystery · 04/06/2022 00:10

I think you have to look at the full picture.

Attraction has to be much more than just physical for a relationship to work (and last).
You can be attracted to a person’s personality, humour, loyalty, ambition as well as their physical appearance.
Some people are very lucky and find their perfect match, every box is ticked.
For others, the attraction is stronger in some ways more than in others.

A relationship with someone who you find really physically attractive is great but are you a good fit in other ways? Do you share interests, views on life and family values?

I have had several relationships where physical attraction outweighed everything else. It was great (!) but after a while the physical stuff is not enough if other things aren’t so good.

I’ve been with my DH for 25+ years and he is definitely not the man of my dreams physically but in other ways he my perfect match.

The grass is not always greener imho!

Hiddenvoice · 04/06/2022 00:18

I think this other person coming into your life has awoken something in you and making you feel like you’ve missed out exploring things and having fun. As you’ve said, is it all worth breaking up your family?
Could you work on the issues within your relationship and try some new things in the bedroom to help spice up your relationship?
Again, like you also said, is your relationship making you feel happy? Don’t stay solely because you have a child. You and your partner can still provide a happy life for your child separately.
Could it be lust with this other guy that’s making you think it’s more?

Original poster

yellowrosey · 04/06/2022 07:30

SweetMystery · 04/06/2022 00:10

I think you have to look at the full picture.

Attraction has to be much more than just physical for a relationship to work (and last).
You can be attracted to a person’s personality, humour, loyalty, ambition as well as their physical appearance.
Some people are very lucky and find their perfect match, every box is ticked.
For others, the attraction is stronger in some ways more than in others.

A relationship with someone who you find really physically attractive is great but are you a good fit in other ways? Do you share interests, views on life and family values?

I have had several relationships where physical attraction outweighed everything else. It was great (!) but after a while the physical stuff is not enough if other things aren’t so good.

I’ve been with my DH for 25+ years and he is definitely not the man of my dreams physically but in other ways he my perfect match.

The grass is not always greener imho!

You make a really good point and something that I've wondered too. This other person has some personality traits that I've always found attractive in a person and always wished my partner was more like, however, there are also areas where I'm unsure, and I would wonder what kind of partner he would be like. I think it's just made me question things but I suppose that's not necessarily a bad thing or means I need to end the relationship. I've just never really had this happen before. I've found other people attractive but more in a throwaway kind of way where I forget about it pretty instantly!

I'm not really sure if either are my perfect match tbh! If we're talking perfect perfect they'd be somewhere in the middle 😅

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User0610134049 · 04/06/2022 07:33

It could be a crush on the other person that will pass, if you’re committed to trying to make it work with your DH you could just see it as a crush and maybe use some of those new feelings and fantasies to help you enjoy sex with your DH more.

Original poster

yellowrosey · 04/06/2022 07:34

Hiddenvoice · 04/06/2022 00:18

I think this other person coming into your life has awoken something in you and making you feel like you’ve missed out exploring things and having fun. As you’ve said, is it all worth breaking up your family?
Could you work on the issues within your relationship and try some new things in the bedroom to help spice up your relationship?
Again, like you also said, is your relationship making you feel happy? Don’t stay solely because you have a child. You and your partner can still provide a happy life for your child separately.
Could it be lust with this other guy that’s making you think it’s more?

Yes I think it's probably the wondering that's awoken in me, and thinking about how fulfilled I feel. I've started to wonder how I'll feel when it's just me and him as we're fine around our child but sometimes when it's just us I feel like I struggle to think of things to talk about. It's not as natural as it was. We are working on things, and I want to see if I can change how things are with us.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know really what would make me happy because the idea of breaking up makes me feel sad (for our child mainly) and it also feels like such a huge thing to do all because of sex/emotional connection 😕 I need to really figure out how happy the relationship makes me I suppose, without any distractions. I have been trying to do that for a while

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User0610134049 · 04/06/2022 07:35

I know when I write it down it sounds not very good and quite unhealthy, but sex with my DH isn’t great normally. If I’ve had fleeting crushes or fantasies about someone else then it can help me to feel more sexy with my DH. I always think to myself that he probably doesn’t really mind what’s going on in my head during sex as he always wants me to be more into it and enjoy myself (even though he’s not great at being a considerate lover) so it’s kind of a win-win and although I might have thoughts about other people I am committed to him and would never act on it

Original poster

yellowrosey · 04/06/2022 07:38

User0610134049 · 04/06/2022 07:35

I know when I write it down it sounds not very good and quite unhealthy, but sex with my DH isn’t great normally. If I’ve had fleeting crushes or fantasies about someone else then it can help me to feel more sexy with my DH. I always think to myself that he probably doesn’t really mind what’s going on in my head during sex as he always wants me to be more into it and enjoy myself (even though he’s not great at being a considerate lover) so it’s kind of a win-win and although I might have thoughts about other people I am committed to him and would never act on it

I have done that actually, used the thoughts etc during sex and it has made it a bit better but then I start to wonder whether that's right and start to feel guilty. I guess like you say he wouldn't know but if he was thinking about another women when we had sex, it suddenly feels a bit different. I don't particularly want to be thinking about someone else, I want to be really into him. But I'm not sure I ever have been really "into" him in that way really.

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