How did you follow through with leaving an abusive partner?

[BreakinbadBreakineven]

I am planning to leave my partner in 2 weeks when I can move in with my mum 200 miles away. I will be taking our DD with me and had agreed with ex that he would visit every other week, although he isnt happy about us going he accepts thats the best solution for now. We have been separated several weeks but still living together and in that time have been getting on quite well, he is clearly trying and has told me a couple of times he doesnt want to break up. I have been non committal and just said that as he doesn't want to change his behaviour I don't see any other option. He has been talking about things in the future and clearly thinks I'll be coming back despite me maintaining this is the end. The effort he has made is really minimal, but things like doing more with DD and around the house which create the impression he has changed. He also seems to be trying to manage criticism better but the damage is done and I'm so on edge when I know I have to address an issue.
I had done a lot of mental work to distance myself from him, from my lovely house and garden and thought I'd come to terms with it but after this change in his behaviour I've fallen straight back into thinking maybe it will be ok, maybe he can change etc. Now I'm really upset about leaving my home and ending our relationship and basically feel like I'm bottling it and going to end up staying because its easier, despite knowing he will never make me happy even if he isnt being actively abusive. I also know he's only making an effort because he's been backed into a corner and I know it won't last.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how do you stay strong and cope with the upheaval and upset of moving out of your home? I feel so sad and nostalgic about it all, I wish I could just think fuck it, better things are out there, rather than clinging to something that ultimately makes me miserable.

@BreakinbadBreakineven I left my 29 year relationship earlier this year. I had given him numerous opportunities to change - he would not go for counselling and after behaving for a few weeks reverted back to his abusive behaviour - I left our beautiful fully paid for house as I knew he would not leave - He had shown me time and time again who he was and I knew long term he would not change.

It depends on why you are leaving him and whether he can long term actually fix these problems.

I do not regret for one moment leaving him - I am happy and at peace.

You only have one life......if you are not happy then you need to leave - life is too short to be miserable and maybe apart you will both eventually be happy

Yes, I’ve been there. Shit, isn’t it? I also got the ever so slight improvement in behaviour as he needed me to stay ( I was the cash cow) It didn’t last, 2 weeks maybe, then I was back trying to keep him quiet so the neighbours didn’t hear, him shouting abuse at me, threatening me.
I left the 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house overlooking fields, huge garden etc…. Disappeared, got a new job, lived in a tiny 2 up 2 down cottage. Bliss.
Took a while to shed the anxiety ( he’d threatened to rape then kill me so I did not want to be found) but I did so well in my career that really helped rebuild my confidence. And it was soooooo peaceful, no dramas ( he was an alcoholic, so all about him)
Yes, you’ll feel uprooted, of course you will and you’ll question yourself. That is all part of processing what’s changing in your life. But it will be worth it, never hang on to misery, you deserve much more.

Yes. I read Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? And that sealed the deal for me. I couldn't not leave now I knew why he was doing what he was doing. I realised the abuse was a pre-meditated set of behaviours to control me, rather than spontaneous explosions of anger. I saw my future and I wasn't up for being controlled and frightened long term, so I stepped out of my cage.

I’ve recently left someone like this and the beginning was exactly as you describe. He started being perfect and thoughtful even though we’d just broken up. I decided not to take into account any new behaviour after the moment I ended it, that’s his new life/future and good luck to him. What happened in the time leading up to the break was enough. Of course, when he saw I wasn’t playing ball he immediately ceased all that, and now won’t lift a finger or bother to see the kids properly and is being callous and abusive. I’ve now filed for divorce. Be strong, stand firm in your reality, don’t be pulled over into his.

More broadly I think this is exactly the thing with abusers, and even a trademark sign that helps you confirm he is one. A ‘normal’ man would be in a straightforward mess if his partner was leaving with a child. He’d be upset and wounded, and would have in view your description of what had happened. Not so these monsters.

Keep going OP. One foot after the other out of that door. Well done.

Oh I just have one more thing. The loveliness of the house and garden, the nice memories, the love, the meals, the birthdays — I’m willing to bet that you were the one who made these things nice. You did that, OP, working with all the challenges of early motherhood and a partner who couldn’t be emotionally present/supportive. All that love? That probably came from you. You’re the magic ingredient, and once you know that, you’ll know you will make that happen wherever you go.

Thanks everyone. He's the standard gaslighting, can't be criticised, explosively angry type you see on here so much. Calls me a cunt in front of our daughter etc. Although that hasn't happened so much lately as I'm trying to just leave any issues for her sake. I think he views this as me improving Its impossible to talk to him about the problems in the relationship because he just turns it round on me and it becomes all about my flaws, and also of course I make him behave in all the negative ways.
The abusive bit aside, he also has virtually zero interest in me, is obsessed with his hobby, does little around the house and won't or can't meet my emotional needs. I plan everything nice that we do, he's never enthusiastic about anything, he just comes along for the ride. His default position is sat on the sofa on his phone until he's asked to do something which then of course makes me a nag. He isn't great with DD and if he 'fails ' at something with her that will also be my fault somehow.

I really don't know why I'm even thinking about staying with him given all that, I guess because he's been so awful that he only has to make a very mild improvement to hook me back in.

@flowersinbowls I was thinking this exact thing last night, that really he's always been a passenger and I just never noticed, he doesn't actually contribute anything positive to my life and I would be exactly the same person without him only far far happier.

Further down the line there are nicer houses and nicer gardens for you to have. Keep moving forward and out the door with your daughter x

The acting nice once he knows you are leaving is called hoovering......once he thinks that has worked and that he has hooked you back in he will be straight back to contempt and disdain - watch Dr Ramani on Youtube - to get the heads up on their behaviours - its like they have a list !!! They are very predictable

I left an emotionally abusive marriage. With the clothes on my back. He wouldn't even let me take my childhood books.
Had cause to go back about 10 years later when he was out. He still had stuff of mine. Had lived in a time warp. Whilst I had moved in and got a much better life..
It really is just 'stuff' op... Your mh will improve which ime is priceless
.

Ask yourself this OP. If he's capable of better behaviour, why has he not behaved better before?
It's because he doesn't want to. He chooses to treat you badly.

I'm willing to bet that he isn't abusive to colleagues and his boss, to his friends etc. Bet he's never called anyone at work a cunt. **He chooses to be a shit at home because that's how he wants to treat you.
He probably doesn't believe you will leave. Surprise him.

This is amazing advice. I am struggling with the same, the main issue is we struggle financially already with one household and that adds a lots of extra pressure to the relationship. I just can't see how we could spilt and afford two lives. If I work more then I won't see the kids and that's not positive at all. But it's horrible when my Dh is home. When it's hard with the young Dc I think this weekend will be better, I'll catch a break, he'll help or I can do some cleaning without checking Dc every ten seconds ( part of this is potty training issues even if I put the TV on) But this never happens and I feel so let down. It would be easier to just be alone, with no walking on eggshells and just be neutral about Dh not trying to make excuses for him.

@hatmatcat really sorry you are going through this too. I always have this unshakeable belief that he'll change, its like ground hog day, sort of like I'm gaslighting myself into thinking he's not that bad.

He isnt even being THAT nice. He's just not being nasty, he hasnt mentioned any sort of wrongdoing or pledge to change, I feel like he thinks if he just behaves totally normally without addressing my issues with his behaviour I'll maybe just forget? Or will question whether it was that bad? Impossible to say as he never communicates properly with me.