How to get out

[BlewsClews]

Husband and I have bean in a LONG period of not getting along. I think he lazy. He thinks I'm pissed off all of the time.

He's right. I am always pissed off. But it's because I'm sick of baring the entire family mental load on my shoulders.

I want to leave. I do. If I didn't have his children I'd have left years ago. I just don't want to break the family up and I feel like I've failed if we end it (I know this is silly)

Tonight I came home and he was playing video games. I emptied the washing machine, cleaned vomit off our sons car seat among other things and he didn't budge. He said I "demand everything done now" (they had been there for 7 hours) and that's why he hadn't "emptied a few things out of the washing machine". It's not just "a few things" when I do this myself everyday. I got annoyed and said I didn't like him (which was wrong)

He called me "cunt" (several times) a "fucking cow". He said he hates me and he is surprised everyone else doesn't because I am a horrible person.

I am just fed up of his attitude to life and that I am just expected to do everything for him and everyone else in the house!!!!!!

Oh. He also told me he wouldn't leave and that I need to but said he knows I won't / can't because I "can't afford to"

If you're having to mother him as well as your children then you need to bin him off. He won't change. Lots of men do not understand the mental load of being a woman in a hetero relationship. They think what you're doing can't be that hard, because what they're doing isn't that hard. I've heard of men who genuinely have no idea how their house gets tidied, or think that a magical fairy sorts the laundry.

Yes maybe you shouldn't have said you don't like him, or there was a better way to get the point across, but him throwing the c word at you? Nope.

You won't have failed if your children grow up with two separated parents who love them dearly and give them a happy childhood. Much better to be happy apart and have the mental capacity to be fully there for your children, than be together but miserable with an unhappy atmosphere in the home.

Best of luck to you OP. You seem very strong. Focus on your children; a happy, healthy mother is the best thing for them.

And I suppose you're expected to take the children too, while he stays where he is and his life is made hassle free?

Time to lay it all out on the table for him. Exactly what you want and won't compromise on. If he's getting the easier part of the deal, he's the one who needs to move out.

You're right. I don't want my children to grow up thinking you can sit on your backside doing bot all everyday if you're a man. I don't want them to see me so wound up and annoyed!! I try to hide it and (think) I manage but I just don't want to live my life this unhappy!!

I genuinely think I would have less to worry about if it was just me and the kids

He called me "cunt" (several times) a "fucking cow". He said he hates me and he is surprised everyone else doesn't because I am a horrible person.

OP, your husband doesn't either respect you or value you.

It's time to start making tracks out of this abusive marriage.

From what you say you are coping with just about everything, so having him gone isn't going to be much different, except you'll have half the work.

Make an appointment with a solicitor after the holidays and get some advice.

Babes, they know. Trust me, they'll be happier when you go xxx

You will definitely have less work alone. He's not doing his share and adding more work for you just by living there. You are not a doormat.

My DH (we're separated) would be at home all day playing video games, I would come home from work and see nothing was done and start doing things after a 10 or 12 hour day. He would ask me what's for dinner when I'd been at work and he'd been scratching his balls all day long. I worked longer shifts/more hours a week for less money, I paid half to the rent and bills and far more than him into our savings pot. He would have to be reminded to wash his clothes for work. The mental load was astounding. Now it's just me and my 8mo DD and it's tiring sometimes but I absolutely love having peace in my own space.

You won't regret it. Only thing to do next is get the ball rolling. You've got this.

He called you a what...!?!?!

Holy shit. Nah. He has to go. Like yesterday.
Father of your kids shouldn't be talking you like that. Ever. No excuses.

Out with him before the kids grow up thinking it's normal for women to live like skiveys and tolerate abuse. Which is what it is, abuse.

He sounds vile and reminds me of my ex. Honestly the best thing I ever did was
Leave that twat. I was too worried about breaking the family unit up but honestly I'm so glad I did!

You won't leave because you can't afford to? So you're his prisoner according to him and he gloated about that?

Disgusting. Time for him to get a wake up call.

How old is the youngest? Think carefully about offering him fair child access from the get-go so he has little reason to take you through the courts.

Find out when and where you can go, rent deposit? Make enough to pay rent for a bit while you sort out the house? Enough room for the kids? Will the kids be happy to go with you?

Sort it all on your own then implement it because it sounds like speaking to him is pointless. It's horrific to gloat that somebody is only with you because you keep them prisoner financially. Anyone with any decency would instead be saying they would help you to leave so you can be happy. Why does he even want you there? To make you suffer?

He is absolutely vile.

I’ve been in a similar situation. My ex was so lazy and confident I’d never leave him as I couldn’t afford to. We have a son and I didn’t want him growing up thinking it was acceptable for women to do everything. So I left.
I struggled with money, I still don’t have a lot but I don’t regret my decision for one second. I now have significantly less work to do around the house as I’m not tidying up after my ex and I’m so much happier without the constant tension and aggravation.

He sounds like a pig. You should not put up with this.