DP had an iPad, he doesn’t use it much, maybe a few times a week but a while ago when my phone was playing up I asked for the passcode when he was out one day. He seemed a little reluctant- he’s usually always on his phone and replies to messages very quickly. He didn’t read it for ages, then he did and ignored it. Then he replied “my iPad?” (Really, why else would I be asking and we only have one!) and then asked why and after dragging it all out for about 2 hours he gave me the passcode. I only needed to Google something about my phone and then put it away. I don’t think I’ve used it since.
He also has two phones- his main phone, which is always with him, and a spare phone he uses when his is charging as the battery isn’t great. He is obsessed with his phone and couldn’t be without Facebook etc for the duration of charging it. The spare phone is constantly laying around, he doesn’t make any attempt to hide it and often my kids get hold of it when they are here and I have to take it away. No issue particularly except a few times I saw notifications from women I don’t know and weird, inappropriate Twitter notifications from various women. Not messages I don’t think, just updates? These are all on the lock screen and I’ve never attempted to check further because I do trust him and I realise checking means the trust has gone.
My ex cheated on me repeatedly, lied, apologised, lied again, blocked her, repeat. I let it go on far too long and I know that. It seriously affected my self esteem and DP knows all of this. He’s always said he’s loyal, isn’t like that, won’t hurt me, etc. Once I did mention the notifications and he said they are scammers, he doesn’t know why he gets the notifications etc and he just deletes them. He said he sometimes replies to lead them on and for a laugh but it’s all innocent. Eventually he turned his back on me in bed and got annoyed saying I’m always accusing him of stuff and refused to talk about it anymore. Then, even when my kids got his phone and I was taking it away (just hide the thing ffs) I didn’t see anymore notifications like that, I haven’t thought much of it since.
So yesterday when he popped out after using his iPad, I didn’t think twice of quickly using it to look
up some stuff on eBay. When I opened it he had left Facebook messenger open on the messages to one of the women whose name I recognised from before. The reason I hadn’t seen anything recently is he had muted their conversation so he didn’t get any notifications I might see. He had also asked her to switch to another chat app I didn’t know he used. He had been sending her photos (just his face, nothing dodgy) and asking for photos back from her then replying how she had beautiful eyes, he loved her hair and calling her “babe”. I don’t know what else he had said on the other chat app. The reason he had returned to Facebook messenger was because she had stopped replying to him on there and he was asking how she was and why she wasn’t replying etc. It could’ve been much worse, I know, but we used to send each other photos like that when we were first dating. Plus he never compliments me ever or shows any affection, uses my name never pet names, etc. He is only ever affectionate when he wants sex and even then it’s just some stroking. I’ve asked him about it in the past and he says he isn’t an affectionate person and it’s just how he is. He can’t flirt and he doesn’t know how to compliment people and never uses cute names etc. I’ve had to just accept that’s how he is.
I confronted him and he said she’s a scammer, he gets loads of them and he leads them on so they aren’t trying to scam anyone else (she had asked him for money and about his salary to be fair). He has told me about this in the past but always insisted it was just chit chat and not flirting. I’ve always made it 100% clear to him that I see anything like this as cheating and because I’ve been so hurt before finding out he was chatting women up even “as a joke” would destroy my trust. He always promised it wasn’t like that. I told him all of this, I cried (more than I’d like to
admit), I told him we’ve discussed this and he knows how I feel. He apologised, said it was a joke and he was leading her on. I said how when he was asking for photos and complimenting her and chasing her when she didn’t reply? Eventually he admitted he likes the attention, he said he doesn’t have many friends and he likes to have someone to message when he’s bored (apparently not me!) but admits he went too far. She apparently lives in America and he knew nothing would ever come of it. It hurts so much because I give him SO MUCH attention, even though I don’t get it back I’m an affectionate person and I’m always loving and attentive and I still compliment him and I’m always thanking him for things he does for me and my kids etc. He’s also constantly complaining he has no time for himself between work and me and my kids and his hobbies and he’s stressed out, how the fuck is he ever bored enough to need to text some woman for attention when I’m right there?
I’m just so hurt and I feel betrayed. He says he will block her and never do it again. He will ignore any other women who message him and he’s sorry he’s upset me and he knows he’s gone too far. He says he’s a loyal person and he never wanted to hurt me. I couldn’t help being upset after everything and it brought back all the hurt from before so I was crying a lot and several times he threatened to sleep somewhere else if I didn’t stop, he had said sorry, I needed to let it go etc. He then said he was hurt too! He was hurt because he hurt me and so I needed to stop crying and making him feel worse… he didn’t even want to cuddle me when I was crying. I’m ashamed to admit I begged him not to go and sleep on the sofa, I didn’t want to be alone. This happened several times as I couldn’t stop crying for over an hour.
I know. I know what all this means and what I need to do. I just want a hand hold really more than anything else. I can’t tell anyone what a fool I’ve been again for trusting someone.