DH can't relax

[chocinthefridge]

DH is constantly on the go. In and out the door within minutes. We are older parents of young primary aged boys. He works FT, several hobbies, sports coach, and an elderly parent who he visits twice a week. The boys are lucky that he loves taking them out and doing activities with them so often but I've never seen him take a breather and simply sit nearby and watch them play/supervise from the sidelines. I think they need to play independently and see him recharge a little between things. I marvel at his diary. He is a very helpful and caring friend which is lovely but he over commits. I've just had to tell him that I don't want him to organise a playdate at 7pm on a Sunday night because he had a meeting nearby so it suited him to kill two birds. It would never occur to him that it wouldn't suit the kids at that time. His reaction makes me feel like a killjoy but he can't see how they don't have the stamina of a man! Everything feels urgent. He is exhausted yet doesn't admit it. I worry he is heading for burn out/health problems in the coming years. Anyone else have a whirlwind husband?

He won’t stop until he is forced to eg break down / heart attack / divorce etc. he’s running on adrenaline and doesn’t know any different. It’s usually a trauma response, did he have a tough childhood? Sorry OP but sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they make changes.

Yes his own father was absent so I do feel for him.

Is he capable of ever relaxing? For example, on a low key holiday on the beach when you just lay about and relax? Can he manage that?

No he doesn't sit for long on holiday. He's fair so doesn't sunbathe. He'll relax with me on the sofa at night but he's got his phone and laptop on as well.
He's just got in from an errand and has had to lie down in a dark room. Feels like he's got a cold. He took the kids to 3 activities whilst I was out yesterday then another one this morning. I said they are just as happy if you sit on a bench at the park or sit near and watch them play for a bit. Told him I'm worried he's not resting enough.

He can''t see the correlation between him feeling ill and all this high energy rushing around. He thinks he HAS to do all these things. When I suggest slowing down a bit, he looks at me like I'm nagging.
I think you're right when you say he's running on adrenaline. He's scared that he has to make the most of every everyone for every single second or it will all end (triggered by his DM's illness?). I say he can enjoy his kids slowly. Be present in the moment.

Does he have ADHD? Only reason I ask is because I can't relax or sit down. I'm happy when I'm rushing around doing stuff. Even on holiday I love planning and working out what we're doing with the day. I find it very stifling and boring to just sit down on a beach for example.

My DH and his family are all like this. The only time I see them stop is when they're eating. They always have to be their feet doing stuff. I think they look utterly shattered sometimes but they'd never admit it. I wonder if it's caused by a kind of anxious restlessness or it's just become a habit.

We have to give each other the day off every now and again as we have no local childcare. He has just them ragged doing 5 structured out of the house activities in 24 hours. This is normal. That would make any adult tired let alone a child. By the time I'm back they are beyond exhausted. Just want him to dial it back a bit and consider their age/stamina . I guess I'm more of a moderation and 'in the moment' person. I'm guessing some people might ask does it matter what he does with them as long as you're getting a break? Nice to keep them amused and for him to be so keen but it's always over the top. Then he wonders why they are so tired and grumpy and I have to explain to him why they can't move off the sofa the next day. It's the lack of awareness about their needs and his own needs really.

Does anyone think that's overkill for a 7 year old's 24 hrs? Cinema, arcades, swimming and football practice then indoor climbing the next morning. I think I need to chill a bit as it's on his watch but he also needs to chill with the organisation?!

Do you have a lot of disposable income? I guess you must do to facilitate all his commitments and plans.

So posted too soon, I wa going to say I think families with less money to throw at these activities will have children who know how to amuse themselves and not rely on expensive pastimes to keep them from becoming bored.

Husband and I were watching a man like this as we sat chilling outside our campervan. He never stopped the whole time we were there. Exhausting!

Yep my husband is the same apart from the activities with the dc. He does rake them to things but not as many as you describe because id be putting my foot down about that.its too much and dc need downtime.
However he is on his feet constantly in and out the house. Its exhausting watching him.
I wish he would just sit back and take it all in from time to time. He is rushing through life. My dh had a nice upbringing so its not that.
Annoyingly he complains hes busy and never gets downtime but its only him stopping himself having it. I do tell him this but he won't agree as he thinks he needs to do all these things.

Wickywickyyow yes we are fortunate to have some spare income to enable him to do this.

Yes Rewritethestars1! I absolutely agree. I told him last night that I'm worried he'll burn out at 45 and I'm exhausted just watching him. His reply was 'I'm not doing anything wrong...I do loads of stuff for you'
I too wish he would just sit back and take it all in from time to time. I think in 'trying to make the most of the kids' he's enjoying the full on activities with them but actually missing all the little day to day play at home where they take the lead and you can just enjoy watching them and their little imaginations come to life.

I get that this is a nice problem to have but my problem is that when I tell him he needs to spread these things out so they can have the downtime that they need, he gets defensive and arsey and says I'm always telling him he's parenting incorrectly and he's the one who's always in the wrong. He has no awareness of when they've had enough. It's making me overcompensate so when it's just me and them, I generally leave them to it to give them the space he hasn't given them and then I think why have I got to be the only one doing that? I have asked him to take his foot off the gas a bit. Kids can be just as happy with the simple times x

If he constantly entertains them, whether it be with paid activities or sports one day he's going to ask 'why are they unable to entertain themselves' ... and won't like the answer. If you can see they're exhausted the next day you need to step in more, but I can see you are trying to.

OP,

You are too passive in this.

Your children are exhausted and you are allowing it.

Why does his needs trump your childrens?

This is very wrong of him, but equally of you allowing it.

Can you not say "NO it's too much"?

If you cant say NO, then why not?

Is he a bully?

Apologies if I'm being harsh but your children are not best served being run raggedy by him.

Children NEED down time.

They learn to self soothe.

It is a very important skill to be able to listen, hear and react when your body tells you to rest.

Its a life skill.

His absent father is not an excuse.

You need to intervene firmly and stop this.

I have come across kids like yours, over scheduled and wrecked.

They hit early teens and point bank refuse to do anything and there is NOTHING the parents can do.

I have very sporty children but down time was always something we accommodated.

Advocate for your children.

As for the never sitting down, heart attack waiting to happen.

I hope you are adequately insured.

Good luck.

Do you think he would agree to some counselling? Many men are unwilling to but if he can recognise the connection that might exist between his childhood experienced and his current behaviour, he might be able to find a happy medium. Best of luck

I have spoken to him and re-iterated that this is too much. We have spent the subsequent 2 days chilling out to get the balance. Downtime will be accommodated going forward. Thanks for all your helpful replies.

@billy1966 totally OTT post. The majority of teenagers refuse to do anything. It's a well known fact. As for a heart attack you don't know anything about his weight, health or sleeping, eating & drinking habits. There are so many factors.

Absolutely not true. I have 4 children some still teens.

The majority of teens do not do nothing and it isn't well known.

IME of teens, many maintain a sport if they have been encouraged and supported by their parents.

Mine still play multiple sports and love them, but they also enjoy and need down time.

The vast majority of their friends are similar. They play at least one sport.

The OP is rightly concerned about her husband never stopping.

Its not good for him and not good for the children.

Read her posts.
The children are over tired and cranky.
Not good.

It is wonderful for children to play sports.

However, over scheduled, worn out cranky children, will rebel at some point and ditch them as they get older.

They have to enjoy what they are doing to stay involved into the teen years, when they can't be forced.

I have a very active husband who is nearly 60 and whilst not as OTT as the
OP's husband, I have had to remind him upon occasion to take it easier.

Several very fit men in our circle have had heart surgery that they never expected to face.

Without exception, although fit, they were doing too much for too long, and have had a rude awakening.

Well done OP for having the hard conversation.
It had to be done, for the whole family.

His children need him healthy, not burnt out with long term compromised health, which would be a real tragedy.

One of the best pieces of advice my mum gave me was "Let your children be bored! It's how they develop their imaginations." It's so true. Children shouldn't be doing non-stop activities. They don't have time to think! We do lots of stuff with our children but also give them downtime. Admittedly they'll often turn to their gadgets but they also start playing creatively - building dens, drawing, practising on the piano, inventing a game with the ball in the garden etc.