Very Angry husband-not at me

[BadAtMaths2]

Dh has been depressed in past, badly, and that manifested itself in anger, repetitive very down monologues, repetitive behaviour. I’m hypersensitive to it as it was a really difficult time.

severe year long breakdown was triggered by a long term bullying episode at work. He left that v high stress high profile job.

I still work for same organisation.

he started yesterday saying he wished the guy at centre of bullying, who has just lost his job for poor performance (but resigned with a. Large payout) would die of cancer.

I was so shocked I shouted at him. Told him he was better than that. I think that was probably totally wrong response and I should have just ignored it. But I’m tired of ignoring what I perceive as this kind of bad behaviour. We haven’t discussed it since.

Has he had any help for his depression? It sounds like he is still really struggling.

I think your response was a good one.

As someone who lived with a DH with anxiety I’m going to say that there comes a point where you can’t pussy foot around them any more.
Sounds like he needs counselling, not only for his MH, but to help him let go of his anger too.

i think I’m tired of ignoring which is what a counsellor told me to do when it was at its worst. I just can’t pussy foot around it anymore.

i dont blame you

Bullying can destroy lives.
Can't blame your DH for his reaction to his bully.

I don't. Shouting at someone who is clearly sick - and the OP knows he is sick - is entirely inappropriate. It may be "understandable", in so far as everyone has a breaking point, but that doesn't make it remotely appropriate.

I have also experienced extreme bullying. I was fortunate that I had a great union, and i my case it was the bully who went and not me. And I haven't had any extreme or lasting mental health problems as a result. Not because it wasn't bad, but because everyone has different approaches and tolerances in life. But I totally get that anger. I wouldn't say (or think) something like that, but at times I do still experience a total blinding hatred of the women who tried to destroy by life and career. It isn't often. Most of the time I don't think about her at all. But she didn't force me out of my job, and she didn't break me - yet I still hate her, and whilst I wouldn't wish anything so bad on her, I also wouldn't cross the road to help her either.

And I am pretty sure that when a counsellor tells someone not to "pussyfoot around their partners mental ill health" (and I am wondering what kind of counsellor actually says something like that) they didn't mean "shout at someone who is mentally ill".

The OP's husband needs help - medically and mentally. And there are people and services who can provide that help. He doesn't not need shouting out, which is, frankly, another form of bullying. Calmly and rationally engaging in a conversation that suggests that his anger and moods are a sign of continuing struggles, supporting him to seek help, speaking to his GP about these episodes if necessary - these are all things that are supportive and helpful. But I am shocked that anyone would support or advise yelling at someone who is sick - and I wonder if the tables were turned and a man shouted at his sick partner for an illness that is beyond their control, whether posters would be quite so quick to praise appalling behaviours on his part?

He was bullied to the extent that he had a severe year-long breakdown? Blimey, no wonder he feels the way he does about that person.

I know living with someone who has/has had mental health problems is very difficult, but you really need to decide whose side you are on. Because your remark seems to me that you were defending his bully.