Getting help via workplace counselling

[FernsAndFlowers]

Brief history: been with DP 10ish years, 2 DC.

I had a pretty horrific childhood - v abusive mentally ill parent who endangered our lives frequently. We eventually got away but no opportunity ever to process it.

I’ve more or less functioned ok as an adult. Or at least I thought I had but in recent years I’ve come to realise DP is highly abusive too, in a fairly similar way. Psychological torment, explosive temper, rapidly cycling mood/demeanour, manipulation and so on.

I’ve started making plans but a lot of the time I feel like I’m trapped in a horrible web. I think the horrible things I went through as a child plus some v stressful times in recent years (life threatening illness) means I’m kind of living on autopilot. DP is so awful to me and no longer know what is normal. (The damage to the kids I’m very well aware of too).

Anyway, to the point of my post. I have a job which comes with a package of benefits, including an assistance programme which would include counselling. I feel like I need to make a start on sorting myself out at the very least. However, I’m a bit stuck about what to ask for. I rang their helpline during lockdown when things were v unpleasant and the person on the helpline said it sounded like I needed couples counselling!

Obviously that would have been v v inappropriate and it’s make me very wary of ringing again. However, it would be funded by work and would probably be easier to schedule in work time.

can anyone recommend what sort of counselling /therapy I should look into?

You want individual counselling, to talk through some of your personal history and how it affects your current relationships.

If you go on the BACP website, hidden somewhere in one of their subjects is a list of all the different types of therapy and different approaches - it might be worth looking through that to get a clearer idea of what you want to ask the employee assistance programme for. Be aware that the EAP may limit you to 6 sessions or something.

Well done for having these insights into your past and how it's affecting your present OP. Also well done for ringing the service. These programs can be really valuable - access is quick, like you say you can do it during work, and it costs you nothing! However, sometimes you need to 'shop around' a bit to click with the right counsellor.
I'd advise you to definitely try again.
Is it helpline only or are you able to phone and book more intensive individual sessions?
When you are ringing the helpline, be clear that your issues are personal and individual. You could describe your issues quite generically as feeling depressed, not coping, overwhelmed, work and family stressors. Don't let them gatekeep, be firm that you want sessions for yourself. In fact feel free not to talk about your marriage at all when you're seeking the booking.
When in the appointment with the counsellor, tell them straight up your husband is abusive, don't beat around the bush. A counsellor who understands DV will understand the kind of help they need.
If they don't seem to get it or they imply that you're part of the problem, ring again and talk to someone else. You're the paying customer (well your firm is paying them) and you're allowed to try different counsellors.

*help YOU need, not they! sorry!

Someone in an abusive relationship should never have couple counselling with their abuser.

Sadly not all people who work as counsellors give good advice;realistically they are there to listen to you and offer ways to work through how your feeling.

Thank you so much @EBearhug @manova366 @thenewduchessoflapland for taking the time to reply and sorry I disappeared - hectic weekend!

I rang the helpline yesterday and have been referred to a MH service and will have the triage appt tonight. I’ve just looked on their website and there’s a range of therapies/services available. I think I get up to £1500 of funded treatment. It does seem that CBT is their main ‘thing’ though.

CBT is not going to cut it given what has happened and is still happening to you. I hope that tonight's triage appointment may be of some use
and hopefully they won't just shove your name onto some lengthy waiting list. Bear in mind also that the number of sessions offered may well be limited in both number and scope.

Using the BACP website could be helpful here.

I would also consider reaching out to the likes of NAPAC and get help from them; I have posted their link here.
napac.org.uk/

The abuse you suffered in childhood is not your fault and is all on the person or people who did this to you. Sadly its not altogether surprising that you are now in an abusive relationship; your childhood certainly played its part in you being with this person now because you learnt a lot of damaging lessons on relationships. This all became your "norm".

I sincerely hope you can and will find it within yourself to leave your, and in turn your kids, abuser. I would also be reaching out to Womens Aid also in this respect.