Lost All Perspective - Am I Right to Feel Upset?

[Deedledeedee]

BF of 2+ years helping me out today with taking some stuff to the local tip. BF’s ex-FIL works there, BF usually chats if he sees him, but uncomfortable for me but basically okay. Today as we were queuing, I had to stop and wait on a hill, and accidentally stalled the car as I got anxious and a bit flustered when I went to move off. The FIL was nearby and made a ‘clever’ comment about my driving which BF responded to with, “I’m saying nothing!” and they laughed. It sounds silly, but I felt quite upset, as it felt like they were laughing at me, together. I felt humiliated. BF insists he wasn’t in the wrong because he ‘didn’t make a comment’ - but in fact, by saying what he said and then laughing, he actually did, IYSWIM. Overthinking alert??

I'd lean towards over-reacting but depends whether then exFIL said it in an offensive or jokey way?

If he was making a joke I'd prob have laughed along but if he was being nasty i wouldn't have appreciated by bfs reaction

Why is it uncomfortable for you when they chat. Is the connection to his ex at the root of how you feel?

How long was he with his Ex? I'll also lean towards you over reacting. Do you feel in the shadow of his ex?

@denim321 it wasn’t offensive, as such - it’s more BFs reaction when he knows how anxious I get and being laughed at just made me feel worse.
@Lookingoutside I think it stems from the first few times we visited, BF didn’t tell me who it was and just sort of ignored me whilst we were there
@Fireflygal Very much so. They were married for about fifteen years.

@Overthewine Genuinely don’t know - I probably wouldn’t thought any more about it if BF hadn’t joined in laughing at me

Personally I think you are being oversensitive about this.

Can you just send BF to tip without you?

I think you're being very over sensitive.

Complete over reaction, I'm sorry.

How else would you have wanted BF to respond? "THOU DAREST MOCKETH MY FAIR MAIDEN! BE GONE!"

@frozendaisy I could, but I’m trying my best to work on my confidence issues and don’t want to avoid situations as a cop out

@Notodaynotever okay, thanks

@heavyistheheed no, nothing like that - but surely good manners would just be to ignore it and not comment at all?

What was the 'clever' comment?

Thank you for all your comments. My thread title reflects my concerns that I have indeed lost perspective on these kinds of situations. My ex used to thrive on my humiliation and would constantly criticise and mock me, so I can definitely believe that I’ve been over sensitive here.
I think it’s just cemented my feelings that I shouldn’t be in this or any other relationship, really.

Are you quite sensitive and anxious generally? Have you thought about sertraline - not being flippant but I wish I had started taking it 20 years ago. I think my life might have been quite different

You sound overly anxious, but why did you all have to go Ito the dump?

@Meh2020 Thank you for your comments. I’ve been on various medications and through therapy, etc for twenty years. Was doing so much better once I left my abusive ex 5 years ago, now just feel like an anxious wreck again all the time. Clearly can’t cope with being in a relationship :(

@nearlyspringyay yes, I definitely am. The rubbish was from my house and too heavy for either of us to lift by ourselves

@Deedledeedee - why do you feel like an anxious wreck again all the time - what is driving this? After 20 years of therapy...

Normally I'd suggest working on your self-esteem, but I sense that your issues are too deep seated for this to offer a solution. There must be WAY more to this than getting extremely anxious about an off the cuff comment.

Hmm is it possible that you don’t want to be in the relationship and looking for ways out? It’s absolutely fine to be not in a relationship and especially so if it makes you feel anxious or sensitive; probably is just the wrong relationship.

for context am currently a single mum of 1 who needs to build a life but have been in lots of relationships that heightened my sensitivity and anxiousness. I’m older now (late 40s) and have a lovely child so appreciate we might be in different life stages. I also believe that sensitivity and anxiousness is your intuition too

Yes you are over-reacting. It’s just a throw away remark. It’s embarrassing to mess up driving - which I think is actually was bothering you - but everyone does so forget about it.

I actually don't think you are overreacting. Especially if your BF knows you associate being laughed at as something your abusive ex used to do to you.

Aside from that it's not a pleasant trait for someone to join in laughing at the jokes made by someone else at your expense. I'd guess there's a slightly sexist element to it from the exFIL but I could be reaching there. Overall I wouldn't be impressed at a BF who did this, considering your anxiety.

He obviously wouldn't have found you stalling amusing but wanted to be one of the lads with exFIL by joining in laughing at you. Kind of shows you where you stand I'd say. Banterz is more important than your feelings.

I don't think you were overreacting. I think the exfil was rude and your bf although he was a bit on the spot shouldn't have joined in. It's ok to be offended when someone is rude to you. I wouldn't bear a grudge about it but don't be hard on your self for feeling hurt.