A chance of a normal relationship after a narcissistic/toxic re6

[CoffeeLover90]

Long story short - been with ex almost 17 years. Since I was 15. I don't know if he had always been this way or something clicked. I'm not talking lightly here, I'm going through therapy etc. It's only been 2 months. I suppose my fear is he will move on first and be 'in love' I'm a single, working parent and I'm mentally destroyed. I'm not ready to move on yet but when I do I don't even know how to meet someone? How relationship is even supposed to work? Is it actually possible to meet a nice, normal person and be happy after an experience like this? I need hope,I suppose.

Well I thought I’d actually met someone normal following an extremely emotionally abusive relationship and he turned out to be nearly as bad as the first. I think my idea of “normal” was massively skewwhiff

Yes of course its possible but you need to take a while single. I'd say spend at least 2 years just focusing on learning to be happy single and comfortable in yourself again and reading up on how to spot abuse and abuser tactics. Seriously learn all you can before dating again. And continue to learn throughout life.

'Moving on' doesn't require another man. It requires you coming to terms with how you found yourself in the situation and doing the self work and learning to make sure it never happens again. And learning to be happy with it being just you.

I understand how you feel.

Dh and I seperated last year (together 16 years since i was a teen) after I couldn't take it anymore. I had held out hope that he would change and we had remained very (too) close up until a couple of months ago.

He has moved on to a new model and lied through his teeth about it whilst still asking if we could work out.

I've been in therapy since before we split and think I will be there for a while yet.

This whole thing has absolutely floored me to the point I've felt quite unwell. I am starting to have days where I don't cry and I know that it was the right decision as he will never be the husband and father that the dc and I deserve.

I can't imagine having a relationship with another man again, but having said that, I don't want to be alone forever, which whilst working full time and raising dc, is a real possibility.

I've learnt alot and know that I would never accept the behaviour I have from my ex in a new relationship, absolutely not of it and I know that it will never hurt to walk away from anyone as much as this has hurt me.

I'm sorry that's not much use. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in this.

I'm having CBT and I'm on the wait list for the freedom programme. Going to have to research online by look of things as signed up for the programme about 6 weeks ago and still have no update.
I'm kind of in the same boat tiredandfedup22. Although I'm part time I only work lates and weekends. This is for child care reasons and my childcare options are very limited. He's as free as a bird, which actually pi**es me off. I am pressing charges for some things, he's on bail but recently moved in with a relative right round the corner from me. So now I can't even go to the local shop without risking bumping into him. I do have an injunction too but I'd like to avoid the situation if possible.

He most likely will "move on" first. Men like that are incapable of being alone. But his next relationship won't be a happy, healthy one. It will be just as damaging and toxic as yours was with him, if not worse.

Abusers don't change and they don't have any hope of maintaining a healthy, positive relationship. Abused people, however, do have that hope.

It's great to hear that you're engaging in therapy. Take this time to focus on yourself and your DC. I would strongly recommend also doing the Freedom Programme. It's absolutely possible to experience a good relationship, but you need to take time for yourself and heal from this first.

The best piece of advice I've been given when it comes to future dating is something really very simple, but so important. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. When you do start dating again, don't fall into the trap of overanalysing whether something is a red flag or whether something is normal or not. If something doesn't feel right or you simply don't like it, trust that feeling.

Best of luck OP. It gets easier in time.

Just seen your update. Are you able to contact someone from the programme for an update? Otherwise it is also available to do online. Obviously it's more ideal to do it in person, for the supportive environment, but online is also an option.

I agree he will move on first, they can’t be alone and I’m in the same boat after a two year toxic relationship. The truth is though, abusers don’t change. They just change their victim.

One day at a time, you’ll get there but definitely focus on you for a while x

Yes, you can.

I was married over 20 years. Separated 2 years ago. Ex told kids we were divorcing. 2 weeks later he told them that he was seeing someone else. And would they like to meet her and her kids... 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Me? One of my friends has now become my man. Took a very long time to get to the dating stage. And things still going very slowly, but that's what we need.

Last month, I was overegging something...I felt the need to explain that I needed to ensure we were both clear. Explained that my acrimonious split meant I needed to ensure this wasn't me being controlling, as I'd been accused of doing it all our marriage.

My guys response to my behaviour?

"Don't worry sweet pea, it's ok. Let me help you fix your head back to where it should be"

I gave him the tightest squeeze possible after that.

I'm certain there's a good guy out there for you too when you're ready for him.

Yes, I was referred by my support worker at women in need, I'll ask for an update or info on doing it online (didn't know it was possible) it be best option for me really

That's so sweet to hear, I'm pleased you're happy. I suppose I'll just have to face the inevitable when it comes ❤

You need to work out why you stayed with an abuser, what need it filled in you. When you've worked that out you can work out what relationship needs you have. Then you can start filling those needs yourself. Then when you meet someone who is an arsehole you won't stay with him as you will already be meeting your own needs. He'll be like a pesky fly you just swot away.

I'd give yourself at least a year of being single.

I must admit I found it really tricky and made a lot of spectacular mistakes. I think when you're used to being treated badly, it's just normal, so the things other people walk away from immediately don't even register.

The best way to get the hang of a normal loving relationship is actually to have one, and that's a lot easier said than done when you don't even really know what they look like.

I now have a lovely DH, but there was no shortcut to happiness. I got here by having a series of increasingly lousy relationships, then spending a few years alone. It was a slow learning curve for me, but maybe I'm just a slow learner!

I do think there's a lot of support available online nowadays, including MN, that might have helped me make sense of things. Self-doubt is the enemy really.