Dead inside

[LDA123]

My husband accuses me of being dead inside, no compassion, no empathy. I have agreed to talk to a counsellor. We have been married for 15 years and have 4 children aged 5-12. I have always looked after the children as he works long hours and is gone for 12 hours so I have always done bedtimes etc alone. Weekends he is generally tired from his job (which he hates) so has never taken over. He says that I’m not the same person I was when we married has accused me of not exercising enough (I do now, just not so much when the babies were young), ruining our relationship by breastfeeding and always putting the babies first. He feels like he is never number 1. The kids have probably taken over a bit and he plays a backseat role. I probably did put a lot of energies into the kids as both him and I are from slightly dysfunctional families and I wanted to give our family what we didn’t have, bedtime stories, sitting at the table to eat etc. Maybe I went too far, I really don’t know. How do you all keep your husbands happy whilst managing a family? I don’t have any family nearby but am close to my family. I feel like perhaps if it was more a 50/50 partnership then I’d have more time to focus on him? The backdrop to this is I find he often talks to me disrespectfully (even in front of people) which causes me great sadness. I also find him angry and shouty and feel a lot of our marriage I have felt I have had to walk on eggshells. He does have MHI so doesn’t handle stress well. He doesn’t like his job, me, is frustrated at the kids, doesn’t see friends, we haven’t been on holiday for years, we hardly socialise together. This might just be the MHI though that he struggles to find happiness. I honestly don’t feel like I am terrible person, I have tried hard to keep the family happy, support him where I can and keep on top of everything. I do feel like I haven’t been the greatest wife though, I’ve not often done super nice things for him (cook special dinners etc) so I can see why he is upset that I’ve not made him number 1. I’m so confused. Should a marriage be this hard? I just feel like a failure and if we split up, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else as I’m obviously incapable of making men happy.

Sorry for the rambling post.

LTB

• Insults you saying you are dead inside, with no compassion and no empathy. Presumedly he thinks he's perfect.
• You're seeing a counsellor, what's he doing, presumedly nothing?
• He's off at work you are alone doing everything, even when he is there he doesn't help.
• Criticizes you saying you don't exercise enough, when you're supposed to do this who knows.
• Criticizes you for breast feeding, apparently your breasts are his and not for breast feeding?
• Wants to be your priority over his own children.
• You recognise it's not 50:50 and he doesn't pull his weight
• He disrespects you in front of others
• He has anger issues
• He gets frustrated at his children

Seriously OP what would you tell a friend in this situation?

He has ground you down to the point where you think you can improve the situation. If you exercise more, if you go to counselling, make him a special dinner etc he will be different. He won't, there is a serious issue with him. If anything you should be doing couples counselling and if he doesn't gain some insight then I don't see how this could possibly improve.

Honestly You are not the problem here! No marriage should not be this hard. He sounds selfish and unhappy and is taking out his frustrations with his own MHI and life by blaming you. I know its easier said than done but it is possible as I've left a similar marriage but please consider a life without him if he's not willing to accept its him that has a problem. Life is way to short to be this unhappy

Firstly, its not your job to make men happy. They either are or they arn't.

In a well run equal marriage there are times when the kids come 1st and times when partners come 1st.

sounds like long hours is an excuse for him to do sweet fa and then moan as you’re too shattered to look after him as well.
Have you ever come 1st?

You are not a bad wife! You are a tired wife. If he had been a team player, someone who actually cares for you, then this wouldn’t be a situation. I speak from experience.

I am 20 years in, married to a man who was my best friend. Yet the minute babies came along, I was relegated to home maker, wage earner, child rearer, cleaner, secretary etc. he had A VERY IMPORTANT JOB. And stupid me, it’s never stopped.
The very worst thing though? my kids are 15 and 10 and don’t really see their dad as anything but the shouty one who doesn’t do anything apart from work or watch tv in his man cave. Who they think doesn’t really care about them.

My point is, and sorry for going on, YOU aren’t the problem.

I think it's really sad and quite telling that you've asked "what do you all do to keep your husband happy?"
What is HE doing to keep YOU happy, because to me it sounds like he's an entitled misogynistic man who feels as though your body is his right (how on earth has breastfeeding ruined your relationship?!) who is essentially throwing a childish tantrum that your children are now quite rightly a priority for you.
Honestly if I were you I would seriously question the foundations of this relationship and whether you are actually getting anything out of it anymore, or getting any of your needs met.

We both come from broken homes so I did desperately want to not repeat the pattern. But I do fear the damage it could do to the kids is not healthy either - tense environment, shouting, arguing etc. I’m sure it’s not always like that but I feel a lot of it has been. I know we are both 50/50 to blame and I am definitely not blameless. But I’m scared he is trying to make me be someone I am not. Maybe I’m just not capable. I do feel though perhaps if we had a better relationship during the last day and we both felt love and supported, everything else would be much easier. I do feel like he is always telling me my faults but he says it’s because I’m so blind and stubborn that I can’t see them. He thinks me seeing a counsellor is going to be a miracle cure but I don’t know.

@LDA123 honestly you are taking far more blame than you need to, you have given us a lot of examples of what your partner is making you do, what is he doing?

Tell us anything he does to make you feel special, tell us any time he has shown insight into the way he is, tell us anything he is doing to improve this situation?

Trying to protect your children from a broken home by staying in an emotionally abusive relationship that makes you feel dead inside, is not helping anyone.

Eyeslikethesea Have you ever thought of leaving? I fear the children probably feel similar and I know my eldest especially is quite anxious not to cause upset. Re the breastfeeding, I BF each for one year and he has recently thrown this in my face. But I wonder if I’d used bottles, the lm perhaps that would have also somehow been my fault. Intimacy has been an issues over the years . I asked him if he has ever been happy and he said before the children came along ☹️ He does suffer from MH and does see people. I just think that perhaps with him doing that, me speaking with someone and the kids getting older, could there be hope? Or is the mountain too great

Wtf?! He is an absolute disgrace of a father and husband. Total waste of time. Emotionally stunted.

I have always looked after the children as he works long hours and is gone for 12 hours so I have always done bedtimes etc alone. Weekends he is generally tired from his job (which he hates) so has never taken over.
How dare he. how fucking dare he!

he brings laziness, anger and frustration to you and your children's lives.

It is not 50/50 to blame. You are parenting. He is not parenting and criticising you for doing all the parenting.

honestly, this would be the straw that broke the camels back for me.

I know my eldest especially is quite anxious not to cause upset.
you child has learnt how to make themselves invisible to not provoke her father. in her home. Im so angry about your dh. He is a fucking disgrace. How dare he do that to your child. Your child will take that behaviour into all their relationships. Your child needs therapy or will end up in a shitty abusive relationship.

@LDA123 you need to stop justifying his behaviour on his mental health issues.

If you aren't going to do the right thing for yourself, then do it for your children. What is your counsellor saying about all this?

He has you believing you are 50% to blame. You are not. You sound like an incredible mother and he is behaving like a rude, petulant prick.

Go to your counselling and start to get a different perspective on this situation. It is long overdue x

i Have thought of leaving him so many times. I should have done it much much sooner. He doesn’t sleep in my bed, no physical contact at all ( unless I go to bed without giving him a goodnight peck bizarrely, he gets quite angry if I don’t)
now my daughter is doing exams, is waiting to hear about an autism diagnosis and is generally a lot to handle. My son is terrified of raised voices but is amazing.
I really need you to know that this isn’t you or your kids fault so why are you (and them) paying the price? You will survive without him. You will very probably thrive without him.
I actually dream of doing things on MY timeframe, not his

He has tried to not get angry so much and be more supportive with the kids and spoken with counsellors and on anti-D. So he has tried. He feels I haven’t given enough back. I don’t think he has ever told me I’m doing a good job or understand how stressful it can be with lots of little children (especially when we had 4 age 6 and under!) and I often got “well you wanted them, you’re living your dream life” etc. So I didn’t feel heard or supported then. I’m making him out to be awful but he is a good man, he is generous and would always help people if they needed. He works hard and has provided for us all. I never had a father that showed he loved me and my mum also had MHI so I think probably my self esteem and self worth are low. I probably haven’t communicated how upset he makes me when he talks down to me strong enough although I have said it a million times. Sorry for rambling. It’s good to get things off my chest as I feel very confused and I don’t know what to do.

He knows he is treating you badly. Don't minimise this. Would you treat anyone the way he treats you?

Gently OP, if you stay with him and keep modelling this behaviour to the kids then the cycle (similar to your parents dynamic and issues) is going to repeat itself again with them.

They'll replicate this relationship dynamic as adults. They'll have shouty, angry, selfish partners. They'll find themselves trying to placate the shouty, angry, selfish partners all the time by walking on eggshells and being anxious. They'll find that this causes arguments because nobody can keep all that anxiety pushed down forever so it comes out in blow ups. And their children will witness it, then continue the cycle again for another generation.

Please break the cycle for your kids sake.

He feels I haven’t given enough back… I often got “well you wanted them, you’re living your dream life” etc. So I didn’t feel heard or supported then.
he is rude. Really rude.

he is generous and would always help people if they needed
does he help you?

I probably haven’t communicated how upset he makes me when he talks down to me strong enough although I have said it a million times.
how many times do you think you need to say it BEFORE it counts as communicating? He knows. He heard you. He just doesnt care.

@LDA123 you never had a father that showed he loved you, so you are accepting of having a partner that treats you the same, the most worrying aspect is that I suspect your children will look back and say they didn't feel they had a father that loved them either.

Your husband is emotionally abusive, which I think you do know.

It doesn't sound like he sees you as a person, just a function, so it will be a tough one to fix.

Can you post again and say how you feel about your situation. Do you love him or want to stay with him. If so, why?

The more you tell us, the more abusive he looks. He resents the children. There are men who will see themselves as being replaced by the children in their wives’ priorities. As if your role is servant-master. Instead of finding joy in having children to love and raise, and pitching in to help so that you’d both have time together, he chose to resent them and you.

I don’t know if he can change or not. I think you deserve better than him. You’re not the one who needs therapy.

And how malicious and cruel to accuse you of being “dead inside” when it is probably him. I don’t know how a relationship survives that kind of barb (when untrue).

I feel like I could have written this post. Your situation is so similar to my own - even the 'you don't do enough exercise' comment.
Things got a bit better after we worked through a marriage guidance book where we had to ask each other questions about what we wanted from our lives and our marriage (I have DH the ultimatum of time apart or engage with marriage guidance). It really helped us communicate and get out of a rut. It is a work in progress.

I feel I am reaching the end. I have always had hope that if we do this and do that, things will be better. I think we do both love each other but maybe our hang ups from our own upbringings somehow gets in the way. I feel relief when he is not home and I know I shouldn’t feel that way. The children are well behaved, well liked and get on well at school. At home they can be a bit of a handful. I think just trying to split my time with everyone it can be a balancing act. I don’t think they are any worse than a lot of children but he does find them and their behaviour/mess a lot of the time intolerable. It’s like he can’t see any good. There is so much good if you like but obviously you can focus on the bad as well. I think he felt rejected by them as I guess when they were babies, they did prefer me. But that was just because I was then main carer etc and it was totally normal for them to be attached to me. He took that hard and felt rejected.

Thanks Littlebird, that is helpful. I have, to this day, remained hopeful that with a bit of tweaking things could be better. It’s just whether it is too far gone which I fear it is.