Little lies

[KangarooKenny]

I am careful with money, DH doesn’t concern himself with it, buys what he wants and will use a CC if needs be. This has been a source of tension for some years now.
So now I’m at a point where DH will be flexible about the truth of how much something cost, presumably to avoid an argument. However I frequently find out how much it cost, and the lying hurts more.
What do you all think?

I wound be angry as he's not being honest x

But I’d get accused of nagging if I said something.

Lying is unacceptable full stop.

Gaslighting you by telling you you are nagging him is an abusive technique and also unacceptable.

Lying about money as a married couple is unacceptable.

You are meant to be a team. He is doing what the fuck he wants and happy to lie and gaslight you when you find out. He is not playing a team game, he is looking out for number 1.

Is this the relationship you want? How would you like your relationship to be?

He isn't going to change, he'll just lie again, then lie to cover the lies and gaslight you when you find him out. What would you like to do about that?

I lived with a liar btw, started as little white lies and escalated over time till I couldn't trust anything out of his mouth. He'd lie about money, his friends, his parents, me to everyone who'd listen. It becomes an addictive habit to some I think but I'm zero tolerance on lying now.

Apart from anything else it's so disrespectful and childish to not be able to stand up and tell the truth. It can also deny you informed consent in some situations when your partner lies about things.

What if you found out you'd ended up being dragged into huge piles of debt because of him and he'd lied about it? It's a possibility with someone like him.

Lie is a lie

FinancIal incompatibility is a killer, I couldn't cope with his attitude to money & CC let alone the lying as well, plus calling you a nag for having a reasonable response. Lovely

I'm coming at this from the complete opposite point of view to everyone else, and it could be that my experience is irrelevant, but it bears mentioning.

I've been in your husband's shoes before - lying to my DP about how much things cost because any spend above a very small arbitrary amount caused a lot of friction and upset. Money wasn't that tight, he was just incredibly anxious and controlling over finances. With hindsight, it was financial and coercive control, and lying was how i kept myself safe from the abuse.

If you're being completely honest with yourself, are the restrictions you put on your husband's spending (even if they only exist in your head, an imagined limit of how much he should spend) completely reasonable? Are they proportionate? Or are you being more restrictive than you need to be?

I'm not calling you abusive, and I know in all likelihood your DH is in the wrong here, but as someone who has been in a similar position I had to flag it just in case.

I couldnt tolerate this :-(
You can't get the truth.
You can't talk to him about it or you're a nag!
You dont trust him
It's a big issue. People split for less

He is lying to temporarily put off the conflict.

Are you absolutely certain he has a fair and reasonable budget for himself? Does he have privacy over what he purchases with his own budget?
I divorced my ex over debt. No amount of chats or black and white figures made any difference. He got sneakier and lied more. It was some sort of game or proof of his cleverness or power play. No matter what he had he felt entitled to more. I gave up trying to work around it. He was not going to change. I left with debt but at least I could make a budget that wasn't being sabotaged.

I suppose in a way you could call it control but, when he’s using savings or next months wage to pay off a CC without any discussion, I think I have a right to be upset.
I think that if you’ve paid your bills, fed/clothed yourselves, put some aside for emergencies/Xmas etc, then you can spend the leftovers. But there isn’t any, he then gets the CC out.
Ive asked him to take a set amount out every month, however much he wants, to spend on himself but he doesn’t.
When we had our last ‘chat’ about this he suggested separate finances, but I’m concerned about what debt he may end up in without me knowing.

This is what I think. Doesn’t matter if it’s a white lie, or big or small. A lie is a lie.

It seems he is financially irresponsible and not willing to go without to live within your means.

That's the real issue.