What would you do?

[Yellowhase]

Ok so been together a long time, school aged children. The last few years have not been great.
I realised a few things and there are issues with honesty and emotionally insecure I guess on his part.
Dh had been checking my phone regularly through out our relationship.
On occasions has deleted numbers from my phone.
He was using cocaine at the start of our relationship but didn’t tell me.
If I questioned him over his behaviour he wound turn them back on me saying I was imagining it/jealous etc
He can’t give compliments etc but it turns out he could do this with an ex who hurt him before we met.
Oh and I found out he was messaging a female “friend” for emotional support with grief and carried on after I asked him to stop. It seemed he couldn’t consider my feelings.
Huge issues with jealousy if a male gives me attention of any kind etc but seems one rule for him one for me.
Has tried to persuade me not to attend things and questions me when I go out etc.
I know he was hurt before we met but I didn’t hurt him.
He shows me a lack of care at times and puts himself first.
I thought I married mr nice guy but there is so much to him, more complicated than I ever realised.
He says he will change with the jealousy etc I just don’t know if I can believe him.
I know there is people in worse situations but it’s such hard work.

Do you not have a PIN on your phone so that he can't go through it and delete numbers?

What would I do? Honestly?
I'd run and never look back

He sounds awful.

I really want to be gentle because facing this is really hard (and I know, I had to face it a long time ago) This is emotional abuse. You should NEVER feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner. NO ONE has permission to delete things from your phone without your knowledge, or tell you where to go or who to talk to. The texting may or may not have been inappropriate but you asked for it to stop and it didn't. If you can, try to meet with a counselor/therapist. Alone first to get your bearings. Also read up on emotional/psychological abuse IF YOU FEEL ITS SAFE TO DO SO. If your partner is checking your internet history IT IS NOT safe to do so, so go to a library or somewhere to read about it. Also, don't compare your situation to others. It doesn't matter what other people are dealing with and if its more than you. He has lied, you are unhappy and living to a set of rules you didn't put in place.

A big red flag for me is the continued messaging to the female after you told him how it made you feel & asked him to stop. This is an unpopular opinion but both me and my husband have agreed having close friends of the opposite sex is a no no for us. Although we didn't have any whilst we got together anyway so that helps.

For me this shows, that the relationship with the female is more important and valuable to him than you as he chose to continue speaking with her despite your feelings.

It would feel a bit like emotional cheating/micro cheating to me. Also the checking your phone/deleting numbers is weird, maybe a guilty conscience and thinks you are doing the same as he?

The jealousy is a big red flag. He maybe just very Insecure, or its because he is cheating & scared you will too. Either way, it isn't good.

You've been together a long time & have children so I understand you may want to try & work on the relationship. For me , I'd feel like it would only get worse, but if you feel the good outweighs the bad with him then it may be worth trying.

For me the biggest indicator of whether to get rid or fight for the relationship is , is he required to put in the effort needed?

He may need therapy for his jealousy and controlling behaviour. Is he required to do this?

The discarding of your feelings/lack of care you feel from him is another thing. You can try talking to him about it, but if you already have & he knows how you feel and has made 0 changes or efforts to this, then it isn't looking good really.