Please help - anxiety over TTC no 3

[Tessa182]

Mums – my head and heart are killing me over whether to have another child – I need some expert ‘peer’ advice to decipher why on earth on the one hand I feel that I would love another child, and yet on the other I am racked with fear and anxiety.

Hubby and I have a 4yo daughter and 2yo son. They are perfect in everyway and we are so blessed. Even since my son was born I’ve been unable to shake the feeling that he wouldn’t be my last and now as he gets toward 3 I find myself permanently obsessed over having another baby. I am 40 so time is not on my side.

In my heart I know I could love another child. I feel the pangs when I think of holding a newborn and the magic of having a sweet little soul in our world. But two things absolutely wreck me with fear that I feel sick most days about the prospect.

One – how would this affect the relationship I have with my two kids now. My two kids are my world. I know all parents say that but my daughter is literally my best friend, we do everything together and have a special bond. I spend any time I can playing with them, reading to them, and snuggling them in bed. I love every bit of it. If anything happened to one of them I know I would literally struggle to survive. I love my husband but that love is nothing on my kids. Having another child would necessarily mean having less time with my kids now and that thought absolutely kills me. I read a comment someone posted about stopping at 2 children as they wanted to be able to ‘date’ their kids and I get that. I want days out with just each of them, overnight adventures and one day special mummy holidays. I spend 40 minutes with both of them before bed reading and talking – we are very close. How could I bring about a situation where that special time is less? With a third child I would need to increase my days at work so there would be less ‘home time’ again. The other part of this worry about my kids is that I would ultimately be giving them less at the end of the day. We could afford an overseas holiday some day with two but not three. One day any money they might get a house deposit will be a third less. It’s such an upsetting thought. Can the love of having another sibling really outweigh these considerations? What if they don’t get along with the sibling? What if is has extra needs? What if it burdens them?
Two – my husband is agreeing to try for number three for my sake. He is happy and done with two. But after a year of painful round and round discussions he said he can’t take it anymore and if this has to happen in order for me to move on then so be it. He says he could love another child, but it’s not his preferred choice to have it. Further complication is that we are infertile so any further child needs to come through IVF the same as the first two. After he agreed to it, I have contacted the clinic to start a treatment cycle but my anxiety whether this is the right thing to do is already through the roof and I haven’t start injections yet. I have said to him I need to feel supported and that we are in this together – essentially he says we are – you want a child and I want this process to be over with – whatever that results in. He is a great Dad and I know he could love another child but I realise it’s hardly the best place to be coming from. I know he ‘supports’ this process but I miss being on the same page as him and I can feel there is a certain ‘distance’ between us which I hate. Aside from this issue we are strong and parent well together. I know in time this will get better – but I also know I will need his support with having a newborn and the worry that’s not fair on him (even though he says he will be ‘all in’ if it happens) is contributing to my anxiety.

Ultimately since having my son I have always felt like something is missing, that I have more love to give, and when I wake in the morning I can often feel my heart yearning for another baby to love. But I just don’t’ know if I can get past these anxieties to follow that dream. I don’t’ want to regret not having that last child but I’m terrified it’s going to destroy the beautiful relationship I have with my kids. Are these valid concerns or just horrid anxiety? Please help.

I swear to God I am telling you the truth: When I wanted a third child but I knew it wasn't appropriate I got a pet and it filled that hole and gave my children a wonderful addition to the family. A third baby will take you away from the other 2.

Instead of halves they are getting thirds. The older you are the more dangerous and tiresome the pregnancy and a higher percentage of disability. I knew I couldn't cope with a high need child and some disabilities are not obvious in pregnancy.
Approaching menopause can make our hormones crazy and panic that we need to procreate. You have 2 lovely children, one of each and a great balanced life. The children get on well with a great age gap between them. Enjoy what you have! And adopt a cute pet! You can channel your excess love and care into a pet and they will give back the love multiplied.

I would not say get a pet to a childless infertile person wishing to be a parent but in my case as a mother of 2 wanting a third it really filled the hole for us and so based on my experience I recommend this.

I got a puppy who I adore and then still went to have a third. A son after two daughters and it's the best decision we made.

It sounds like you know that having a third would ultimately be a selfish decision buy you want somebody to tell you it isn't.

I have three, mainly as I looked ahead to wanting the bigger family. I could easily have done without the new baby phase. And although I had my third at 40 I wouldn’t say I had the yearning or broodiness you describe. I have often seen mention of this kicking in and being mainly hormones as we reach 40+, although I don’t know the truth of it. Our third has fit into our family and the older two love him. But from what you describe I’m not sure I’d do it in your shoes. Your partner is agreeing to it for your sake. Three children is intense and without a partner totally bought into it and willing to do a lot of heavy lifting, especially early on, I wouldn’t even have considered it. It sounds like you have significant barriers to conceiving, which in itself would probably make me stick at two, given what convincing a third will involve. And inevitably you will have less time with your two existing children, especially if you have to work more to help pay for the increased costs. Of course you will love your third as excessively much as your current two, as that’s how mums work, but it is a constant struggle to give each what they need and a real struggle to carve out meaningful one to one time. My older two love their sibling and have never seen him as the reason there may be less time, but given how much time you say you spend one to one with them your two may notice a more dramatic shift. So I’d perhaps try and count your blessings, if it is just hormones causing the feelings, don’t let them trick you, and enjoy the many wonderful adventures that only having two will allow from both a financial and time point of view.

So many valid reasons not to. You have to think rationally about this rather than letting your emotions win over.

Honestly, just enjoy what you have.

I have 3 but 2 are twins which is a unique dynamic in terms of being able to split my attention equally - it's basically impossible.
I often have a certain amount of mum guilt that one is missing out and financially of course their future is going to be different in terms of the support we are able to provide. It also completely changes days out and holiday options.

If im honest though there is no way I'd pay for a full new round of IVF if I had 2 already and was your age. It's different if you have "ready made" embryos left frozen (i do and would consider one more) but my eldest really suffered during my IVF for their siblings and I wouldn't want to put her through that again.

I had a third, unplanned, at 43. For various medical reasons we didnt think it was possible. We agreed that if it happened, great, but neither of us thought it would. He's a gorgeous, easy baby and so far the other 2 adore him. But the pregnancy was really hard and really took its toll on me. The birth ended in an emergency C section and i am sure the recovery was even more gruelling because of my age. That said - the family is now complete. We now feel like we are the right size for us, if that makes sense. DH had a vasectomy 6 weeks after DC3 was born!

Oh for goodness sake! You have two beautiful children and loving husband and a good life, and you are 40. You lost me totally when you said you would need to put yourself, your DH and your children through rounds of expensive IVF.

Why do you want to do that? Its just a silly dream. Quit while youre ahead if a very valid option.

Thank you each for your honest feedback, it’s really what I’m after. I am surprised but glad to hear that a pet may actually remedy some of the missing I feeling I have. I certainly don’t feel our family is complete. I’m not actually after someone to say I’m not being selfish, I think the closer this gets to happening the more I realise how entirely selfish it is - I just can’t understand if it’s wrong why do I feel so compelled to have another child? Is it really hormones, maybe I don’t know. I have a feeling that I want to put a brick on top of my kids heads - ie freeze then at the age they are at now because I adore it. It breaks my heart to think there are only a few years left that they will love me so wholly and come have snuggles in bed. I would do anything to keep that going for as long as possible and maybe that is contributing also to wanting another - securing for myself another few years of love and tenderness, is that wrong I don’t know. Since having kids being a mum is all I want to do but I don’t want my kids to think how they might have had “more” in their life it had only been them. So confused. Suggestions on how to stop the yearning? Seriously would having my tubes tied stop it?

@Tessa182 I've just had my third, he's 14 weeks. I'm 34 and I had my other two in my 20s. I'm SO much more tired this time round!!

Just a few thoughts....I was broody about your age. It didn't happen for me and fast forward to 45 and the peri menopause hit me like a train and I was SO grateful I didn't have a 5 year old in the house. In my case, the broody feeling passed really quickly once I accepted it wasn't going to happen (or at least not without throwing everything at getting pregnant to the detriment of the rest of my life).

I too had a melancholy when DC were young, thinking they were just too lovely and I wanted them to stay like that forever. I promise that you don't lose any of that besotted love for them as they get older. In fact, with young adult children I LOVE this stage. We have days out, go for meals, have lovely week ends away, and still have some lovely hugs!