How do I maintain relationship with extended family when they aren’t nearby?

[GretchenWild]

I’m a people pleaser and struggling with the current situation. When I was growing up my cousins, aunts, grandparents etc were about 90 minute drive away so we’d meet up at xmas and at Easter, staying overnight. Sometimes we would go on holiday together. The tradition has continued on and off even though the cousins are all in their 40s and have their own families.

The issue is that I moved further away and it’s now about a 6 hour drive to where we used to meet. Everyone else is within an hour drive. I have 2 teenagers - 14 and 15.

Whenever meet ups are arranged I find myself getting excluded because it’s just not practical or fair to drag the whole family. Do I just have to accept that because I’m far away I’m not really part of the family? How else do I maintain a relationship? Or should I be dragging the family along?

You do the drive a few times a year and stay in a Premier Inn or something. As the person who moved away, the onus is really on you to make the effort.

That’s interesting because it’s their view as well. I moved away to go to university and then got a job - so wasn’t my intention to move away it just happened.

It might not have been your intention, but you did move away, just like many others do. So if you want to see them, you make the effort. Simples.

I agree, as someone who has moved around a lot, the onus is primarily on you to make the effort. Though I would expect them to make some effort sometimes too!

It was easy to do before kids. And when the dc were young. But now they are teens, I don’t think its fair to drag them away just to meet up with the family for an afternoon. I do go on my own occasionally but then the family never get to see the dc

And just to add no one has ever visited us. Apart from my siblings (2 sisters) who have visited once in 20 years

I would make a mini break of it maybe once or twice a year - stay in a premier inn a couple of nights and on the other days book something your teens would enjoy eg theme park . You could also meet with your siblings separately eg a spa day somewhere mid way, this is what I do with my sis who moved away x

Thank you, I do need to start doing that again. I got into a grump as last time we did that everyone cancelled at the last minute. And it’s difficult when the meet up is planned for Bank Holidays! I need to stop looking for obstacles I guess

Could you go on a weeks holiday nearby once every two years? That way you get a lot of quality time at once but you don't have to drive as often.

I have family down u der. We don't see eacht other every year but when we do it's for a holiday and more intens. Works for us.

I think the issue might be that in order for us to do anything we need firm plans in advance. Whereas everyone else likes a bit of flexibility. So as an example last year we said “we’re visiting in May Half Term” and booked a cottage nearby. But then most of the family later decided to also go away as it was half term so we only saw 1 cousin.

Then there is the example of what is happening today. A couple of months ago I asked if anyone was doing anything for the Jubilee and was told no so we didn’t make arrangements to go and visit then. But they’ve all been chatting and changed their minds and now there’s a big get together arranged at the weekend. So do we change our plans and face the traffic? Or just take the hint that they really don’t want us there

You are over thinking this massively. When people live close by, inevitably spontaneous events are far easier and far more likely and inevitably, you're going to be excluded. Doesn't mean your'e not loved. But yes, it does mean you're not going to be included on a day to day basis. And this is especially true with family that aren't that closely related eg cousins etc.